Past bulemia sufferers... i need some advice/ help/ words of wisdom

[day1]

Hello ladies. Im fairly new to this site but i have changed my name for this anyway. I need some advice from anyone who has been where i am now.

I have been bulemic for 5 years now and i dont want to be anymore. At first although it seems stupid admitting it, it was a life style decision i was comfortable with but not anymore as i have woken up to the reality of the problems.

I don't want this life anymore. i want to sort myself out starting today. I have prepared myself for this day and now it is here.

I need advice about how to change my thoughts and feeling about food. I don't want to go to the doctor, i don't want to talk to any family member or friend about it, i just want to do it alone so that no one ever has to find out about it. I understand i will battle with this all my life but i just need some words of comfort that i WILL come out the other side and be 'normal' again without having my whole world revolve around food

I know it is even harder doing it alone but that is how i want it to be. It came out a few years ago that i was bulemic and it was awful everyone knowing. They all think im 'cured' now so im not going back there again

Has anyone else been in my situation, and how did you get through it? especailly the first few days and weeks?

well done for getting this far.

I have no experience of this - but thought maybe these would be a place to start

www.eating-disorders.org.uk/
www.edauk.com/Home

Good luck

Hi day1, I suffered with anorexia and then bulimia in my teens, so quite some time ago now.

I'm now maturing nicely (shall we say) and my teens were a long time ago, but I can still remember how my mind worked in those days. And also how this horrible disease affected me.

Firstly the positive - you can come out the other side. It won't be an overnight thing and you may have relapses, but you can conquer it.

You're right when you say you want to change your thoughts about food. As those who have suffered know, it's not about being greedy, it's an addiction to the feelings that come with the whole scenario of binging and vomiting.

In very simplistic terms I think you need to start by telling yourself that you don't deserve to have bulimia any more. You are better than that. Why should you punish yourself anymore. You really do have to change your whole way of thinking.

What helps as well is realising how you are seriously damaging your body, and I do mean seriously. I'm assuming you do have children due to being on this site, so of course you want to be around to watch them grow up.

If today really is the day, then stock up your fridge and cupboards on good healthy foods, lots of fruit and veg, wholemeal bread, yoghurts, stuff like that so firstly you know you're not going to be depriving yourself and you're definitely not going to starve yourself.

Make a rule that you only ever eat when you are sitting down and prepare yourself some good meals. They don't have to be big, but bulk yourself up on the fruit and veg.

Try and be really strict for about 3-4 days and you will really soon start to get a good feel about yourself. You will see that it is possible to eat normally, feel satisfied and feel better. That leads onto not wanting to damage yourself by bingeing.

I could go on and on with tips. I'm a really healthy eater now, have been for over 12 years now) and am naturally slim and healthy after years of damaging my body, so it can be done but just take things a day at a time to begin with until your mind gets reeducated.

Hope this is of some help. Please feel free to CAT if you need some more support.

Thanks emmatomATO thats helped a lot. I stocked up yesterday on stuff for proper meals and lots of fruit and veg. There is half a pack of choc biscuits which i think il throw away as i cant stop thinking about them! Today really is the day. Yes i have a 2 year old son and its him thats most of the reason as to why im doing this. He needs to be my no1, not food.

Ive had a look on the websites throckenholt suggested and they were quite good.
I think one day at a time will be the best way to go. I feel so determined, but also very scared as i know its not me in control. I need to get that back

I don't know if i can offer anything useful, but i stopped when i addressed my sadness. I had been sexually assaulted previously, and was also self harming aswell as either starving myself or making myself sick. I met me DP then, who i off loaded all my shit onto (should have been a counsellor, but i was too selfish to see that then) and i gradually stopped wanting to hurt myself all the time. DP followed me to the toilet in the early days (more to comfort me than to demand i stopped).

I would definately recommend counselling, perhaps some CBT regarding food aswell. (But make sure they are registered with the BACP, and not some half wit who'll do more harm than good)

Good luck! (I haven't made myself sick for over 7 years now, and can't imagine wanting to either!)

It is possible! Good for you for getting this far. I had terrible eating problems for over 15 years, but I finally recovered when depression was diagnosed and treated. For the 1st time in my life, I felt vaguely normal. What a revelation! What was helpful in retrospect was seeing a dietician who put me on a very basic diet. I went for years without professional help at first because there was nobody willing to help. I tried to hide it from my family and I had a wretched time.

The EDA used to have support groups all over the country which may be helpful. They often get professionals who treat eating disorders to come and talk. Sometimes it's useful to know that you are not totally alone.

It really is worth going to your doctor and getting professional help. It's really important to have a medical check as there are so many physical issues that accompany eating problems and sometimes drug treatment can work. For me, it was Prozac.

Well done for posting here. The EDA also does councelling. You need as much support as you can get without anyone judging you. Keep posting and let us know how you're getting on. You really can get out of it

Just a gentle bump to see how you are doing day1.

I was bulimic for about 10 yrs and now quite reasonable with food. I would suggest going to doctors for advice - i think prozac can make help make the getting better phase easier - it affects brain/appetite in some way (while also making you feel happier).

Nb my life now is just so different from when i was spending so much money on food, then off to public toilets, then back again, and looking and feeling dreadful throughout.

im a recovering anorexic and 1 thing people dont tend to realise is that anorexia/bulimia is an addiction like any other. i found keeping a food and mood diary helps me when im struggling, ive relapsed god knows how many times now but each time is easier to recover from. see your gp 1st coz its not just your thinking you have to change but things like your attitude to food shopping. feel free to cat me for chats, maybe i can advise maybe not, but i do know how hard it is and how good you will feel when you come out the other end of this tunnel

Not been in your situation but I hope you are strong enough to get over this. Friends and family will help I am sure and even if it is one person getting you ove this than that will help.
Maybe you can use this site more especially when feeling bad as there are people around to listen to you and give you advise and you dont really know them, there are alot of people who have been through simular experiences and can help you, so log on when you feel the need.
Good luck and stay strong.

Sweetie I am with you. I had bulimia from being 17 to 24. Like you I wanted to do it on my own and I did, but it took a long time. Like DeterntionGrrrl for me I think it was about dealing with sadness rather than the bulimia. I grew up in a household with alcoholic dad and an mum who was and is amazing but who was often sad and in tears which left me feeling distraut and powerless. I think that impacted on my confidence and it took me a long time to get to a place and identity I felt happy with: you know, friends you like, flatmates you like, a life you like. I gues this focuses around a sense of self and buidling self-esteem. Although I didn't know it at the time, I think the process involved identifying where I wanted to get to and then focusing on getting there - and not getting sidetracked. Once that started to fall into place I started eating properly and stopped making myself sick. It was a gradual change over maybe a year in the end.

In the 12 years since I would say I stopped being bulimic I have maybe made myself sick on 2 occasions, after getting a bit stoned and feeling really ill after eating about 200g of chocloate from greediness rather than self-loathing! but I haven't done that in a really long time.

In terms of immediate action you can take, excercise helps because you are controlling calarioes out in a positive way and may give you more incentive not to binge. Plus you get happy hormones that improve your mmod and sense of well-being (serotonin). Recommended for depressives and will help you. You could try high impact (running works for me)or yoga is great - more physical forms. I used to get a high off those. Also try switching to a diet (5 and day) with lots fruit and veg and 2l water per dayb so you feel you are doing active stuff to help yourself (will also improve mood, skin etc) In the medium to long term, maybe you need some time and space for self-reflection? Work out what you are interested in, care about, want to do and be and figure out how to get there. Talk to friends. As a last resort (it works for me) and maybe try some herbal aids for a bit of reflection? Not too much though! I have found I get moments of insight into my past that help understand where I am now, esp wrt relationships. I think the advice about seeing a consellor is a good one - if you can bear it, they can help guide you through why you feel like you do and out of the sump you are in now.

I don't think willpower alone will do it, but where you are now, wanting to give it up, is a good place for you to start.

Well done Day1, you have done the biggest part of all, comming to terms with it and accepting it, you've probably never told anyone before, I know its a sense of releif, there is light at the end of the tunnle,

I had anorexia/bulimia from the age of 10 to 22, I now have two little girls, I'm not big, only 7 stone but happy and not loosing anymore. I tried seeking help but I'm not the sort of person who can talk to people like that, I was abused as a child that's why mine started so young, I was told I'd never have children.

If you want it bad enough you will get trough it because at the end of the day its only you who can do it, people can try and help you all they can but if you want to let it rule you it will and leave your baby without a mother. I'v hit rock bottom and bounced back you can too!

You will have endless support on this site - I will be here for you too, anytime you need a friend just post me & if you ever want to talk in private you can post me an email.

Well done and all my love X

Reading messages like Hillarys and the others just reinforces my belief in how strong we women are.

We can overcome so much. It's very hard for non-sufferers to understand this horrible condition and for people like Hillary to go through abuse and then anorexia for such a long time, but be able to beat it is amazing.

Although I'm so healthy now and over my past eating problems at the back of my mind or somewhere in a deep hole is the memory and I do know the tricks involved in getting back to that horrible place. I would never ever do it now. I eat healthily to stay alive as long as possible for my children, not to be slim (that's a by product of eating healthily).

What I think I'm trying to say is that although you may be well over the condition, once you have suffered it for a long time, I think you spend the rest of your life with an odd relationship with food. I mean I can tell you the calories in any type of food you can think of. I don't use that info to calorie count though, as in a diet, it's just something I'm aware of subconsciously.

I know I will do everything in my power not to let me children fall into the food trap. The whole family eats well and we are all naturally slim and I make sure comments are made in the respect of 'eating for health' as opposed 'eating to stay slim'.

I'm rambling now so will end. But Hillary, although you say you can't talk to 'people like that', I hope you feel you can talk on here (or CAT or e-mail) if ever you want to. x

Hi there EmmatomATO,

Thank you, it's much appreciated, I know what you mean about the funny relationship with food, however much you try its just a way of life, you name it I've done it, you spend most of your time trying not to think about it in order for it not to trigger you. I don't have full length mirrors in my house or scales, its like an acceptance you eat and come to terms with it to be around for your children or don't eat and Christ knows where they will end up.

To this day I don't get hungry and if allowed will skip meals, I keep a meal planner on my fridge which is a weekly planner with all meals listed on it. We eat different meals each day but the same each week - if you see what I mean. This way we know we are eating a balanced diet and don't have to think about it. Just something I found helpful.

When you're a monther you will do anything for your child - including eat, and one piece of advice to anyone with an ED - DONT LOOK AT PRO-ANNA SITES!

Day1 - I tried to cat you, but think you've changed back to your normal name again as the site can't recognise such a netter - Please cat me if you are able as I'd like to share my story. I was diagnosed with an ED some years ago, but then I moved away from the area before I could start sessions.. I managed to change my life around with the r/ship I had with food.. it took hard work initially but am so much better these days.
Please, if you or any one else needing an ear to bend want to, just cat me.. support can always be found though one may not believe it at first,
Best wishes,

Meant to add, I did seek some outside 'alternative' help in the end, much as my efforts were good, I found the something that helped me massively in my new ways of dealing with food.

I need help!!! I have been bulemic for 15 years, and suddenly... cant throw up anymore. I know that I have done horrible things to my body, and I have kept this insane part of my life dormant...even to my own mind. I hate the fact that I cant vomit now and feel better. Now I just feel tense and want to starve myself. This is truly a control issue!!