Bulimia- any advice ?

[Tillysmummy]

My cousin came over for dinner the other night and told me her sister is badly bulimic. My aunty and uncle are useless and aren't doing anything about it, just prefer to ignore it. She is very thin and needs help. Any suggestions, I told my cousin to look into booking her into a clinic, does anyone have any better ideas. Her sister is very angry at life in general and I guess this is another symptom.

Tillysmummy, from my personal experience it would definately help to talk to someone. It is normally an illness that is caused because the person has lost control in another area of their life. It is a problem that can get worse very quickly as the more it takes a grip the worse you feel about yourself therefore the more you need the comfort from the illness.
The root of the problem needs to be found but just booking her in to a clinic is not the answer as you need to find a way to get her to realise that she needs help first and she needs to be approached about it very gently as she will be feeling very ashamed about it. Go carefully and thoughtfully.

Sister thanks. I agree it would help to talk but I am not at all close to her and I don't think she would talk to me. Also her sister that told me she hasn't talked to for a couple of years now. It's a really tricky situation. There are 3 sisters and the one she does talk to has moved to Spain. Apparently she's also got a best friend but she supports her bulimia and won't talk to her ! It's a really tricky situation. I am not close to her at all and think that she will definitely not talk to me -I haven't seen her for 5 years !
Her parents are useless and just prefer to ignore the situation. Maybe I should try and get someone external to talk to her ?

Tillysmummy, what a worry for all concerned. How old is your cousin? Does she have a GP? I think Sister's advice sounds very wise - booking an adult into a clinic is not really feasible unless she wants to be there herself - and as Sister says, if she does not think she has a problem, she is hardly likely to comply.
Maybe this website will give you some ideas about how you can support the cousin that you are in touch with, and help her help her sister.
Eating Disorders Association

Marina, thanks that's very useful. I am seeing my cousin again this weekend so will have a chat with her about it and give her this address. It's very difficult situation.

One thing that horrified me, I have a friend with a sister at Uni and she said that apparently it is very 'fashionable' to have an eating disorder these days. How sick is that.

Tillysmummy, in my personal experience I would say that until your cousin acknowledges she has a problem there is very little you can do... which is terribly depressing. However, once the individual does acknowledge this she is half the way there and seeing a counsellor is a good idea. Bulimia is something that controls ones life in the end, eventually to the exclusion of all else and whatever the original problem is the bulimia will end up taking over ones life.

I too have come across the concept of so called intelligent women being 'fashionably' bulimic but IME all bulimics think initially think they can control the bulimia but it almost always ends up controlling them.

It is so sad that this persons parents aren't likely to help in any way because as sister has said the bulimic needs to be confronted but very gently the underlying problem needs to be addressed too. If there is a conspiracy of silence the individual will convince herself that her behaviour is acceptable although she is almost undoubtedly ashamed of her actions. I can recommend a book called Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating A Guide to Recovery By Peter J. Cooper. ISBN 0814715230

I do hope that the eating disorders website is a help as Marina suggested as I know how bulimia can ruin peoples lives and destroy families. Good luck, Winnie x

Thanks Winnie. I will pass that on. Unfortunately she has already got books on Bulimia and Anorexia and reads them regularly. I wonder why she won't talk to anyone if she has gone this far which seems to be acknowledging it to some extent. Apparently she has grafitti'd (spelling / grammer ?!) her walls with all sorts of unpleasant things about herself being fat etc.

The parents are an absolute nightmare and all 3 daughters have had problems which is why one of the other sisters I mentioned before lived with me for 5 years. The other sister of the 3 went into a care home and was in and out for years.

It's all terribly sad and I feel sort of helpless because I can't do anything. I will give my cousin the address of the website though and suggests she goes there.

I too know how destructive eating disorders can be as I suffered from one for several years shortly after my parents divorced.

If she is reading books on bulimia I would say she knows she needs help, which is a good start, now to get her to start opening up. Wish there was something more to suggest.

That's true. Thanks for the messages. I guess we will just have to wait and see if my cousin can get through to her. The problem is that she is eating herself up with guilt because she has been able to do nothing but her sister won't speak to her so there's not much she could do anyway.

Tillysmummy, How awful for you. I was bulimic over 10 years ago and I agree with winnie1 that she needs to acknowledge that she has a problem. Unless she does this, no amount of treatment, books, websites will help her. I had, and still have, a very supportive network of relatives, friends and work-mates who tried to tell me that I was ill but I was in denial.

It was actually a stranger that spurred me on to get help before I killed myself. I had a burglary and Victim Support visited me. I don't know why but I just blurted out everything about my life and how I saw myself as "fat" (despite being 5 and half stone).
She asked me if I had been to the doctors and I said I saw no point as there was nothing wrong. She told me to ring up, request a lady doctor and, most importantly, request a long appointment (30 minutes, if possible). She then said to write down everything that I was unhappy with and wanted to discuss with the Doctor and take it to me to the appointment. I really didn't want to do it but I pushed myself to see the Doctor. I felt that I wasn't ill and I would be wasting the Doctor's time!

The Doctor was brilliant and told me that I had "Princess Di's Disease" and that she would refer me to a clinic and physciatrist. It was only when I was told that I had been allocated one of only 3 places in the whole of the borough that I realised I had a problem.
What followed was intense treatment followed by self-help groups for a year.
In my time I saw a few ladies in exactly your cousin's situation and some of them really didn't want to live. However, it does take time and there is no overnight solution. You need to learn how to love yourself before you can allow anyone else to love you.

In your cousins' situation this is going to be hard but I would really suggest trying to involve a third-party and spur her into helping herself. What about your cousin's sister making an appointment with her GP and explaining everything? The GP may be able to think of a way of getting your cousin into to see her.

I do wish you and your cousin every luck in trying to help her sister but it is not going to be easy.

Thanks for your message 21stcentury girl. I saw my cousin on thew weekend and I think that she is going to try and get her to the doctor. I'll keep you all updated.

Thanks again all for your messages and support I'll let you know how she goes.

Thinking of her an dyou, Tillysmummy x