living with someone with depression

[DimpledThighs]

Dp has depression - has done for years, but he takes Ad's and it is much more under control. I have also had problems at times e.g. PND depression so you would think I would be understanding and most of the time I am, but sometimes....

If I ask how his is the answer is either tired or ill or a non-vocal shrug of the shoulders. He is never cherrful and I know I should be understanding, but day in day out it wears me down too - I just wish he would fu#90()g cheer up sometimes.

I flit between thinking what I could do to help him to feeling really frustrated that I can be really knackered, have awful period pains and had the children all day and he will still be lying on the sofa moping and when I ask about his day instead of asking me about mine he will just tell me how tired he has found lying on the sofa watching the football!

Sorry - rant over!

I've never thought about depression from this point of view before - always thought about the sufferer - it must be hard and really frustratign for you. Does he know how you feel?

This must be hard! You will want to be understanding and supportive but also make sure he doesn't lie and wallow. I don't have much time right now but will pop this thread on my watch list and come back as soon as I can, maybe tomorrow?

My first thoughts are that maybe, instead of lying on the couch, he could have time-out somewhere else? Could you take it in turns to have a morning off? i.e. Saturday mornings are his and Sundays yours. Then that time must be spent out of the house. Gym? Pool? that type of thing. Depression is hard to manage but it must be managed not give in to. Down times are acceptable but they must also be fought.

Life must keep changing to keep it fresh. Sounds like he needs to kick the stale stuff and find a cause to fight.

Don't mean to sound rash, I'm rushing my typing......

thank you - this has already been very helpful, I hope to put together some proactive ideas.

I think in its own way depression can be as bad for the person living with the sufferer. My Dad has had severe clinical depression for years and I think my Mum has suffered in her own way as much as he has. Having to always be the strong one, the positive one when human nature means this is impossible all the time is so wearing. My Dad (touch wood) is a lot better than he was and this is down to a combination of ad's, group and individual counselling, a supportive family but most importantly I think, having something to focus on. He wasnt well enough to work for a long time so he got involved in volunteer work and committees. He often wasnt well enough to do it regularly but he kept at it and it really helped him in the long run by giving him a purpose and something external to himself to focus on. Sufferers of depression are unable to "pull themselves together" at will but from what I have observed a combination of the elements I have mentioned can have massive benefits. Its a long haul though, you have my sympathy. There are times when you just want for once for it not to be all about them, you want your problems to be recognised but as the sufferer you always seem to be consigned to the background. I remember with my Mum that for years noone seemed to ask how SHE was-it was always about my Dad and how he felt. There is hope though. Touch wood he is so much better. Him and my Mum are so close as a result of what they have been through and although he still has and probably will always have periods of lows, they pass after a few days and are much more infrequent than before. I hope 2007 signifies better times for you all.

My dad has always suffered from depression. He's been on various meds over the years (I don't think anything majorly serious, although I don't know exactly what).

He's always been fairly grumpy and sometimes, frankly, just needs to be told to get off his arse and sort himself out!

I know this doesn't sound sympathetic, but sometimes it's clear that he's wallowing in self pity. I think sometimes he's definitely in 'victim' mode and uses it as a way of getting attention.

I have no idea if your dp is like this, but perhaps he needs to be told to get off the sofa and do something?! It is always very easy to shoulder the burden and take the responsiblities away from someone else who is ill - but in this instance it does sound as if you need some help and a bit of TLC

thanks everyone. IN light of this (esp. what frumpy said) we have already had a chat this morning abouthow we are going to tackle this in a more proactive way.

I feel that my giving him space and letting him get on with it might not be the most helpful.

And so I just got back to this .

I'm so pleased you talked. Has anything changed? It will take time but after the first change just keep going, do stuff you woudn't normally do, do things you didn't think you could (either alone or as a family). AND keep getting time out together or apart without the children. It is needed for perspective. It can be better.