Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
General health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Worried about how much my friend drinks ....

19 replies

heavenlyghosty · 08/12/2006 20:44

My friend says, "I am not an alcoholic" but she drinks at least one bottle of wine a night, every night.
We went round there after school yesterday for 'A play and a glass of wine' ...
We don't get together that much, mainly because it ends up a huge drinking session ... and I am not a huge drinker these days - love my wine but can't do hangovers with kids and since DH has been away I don't feel I can get pissed as I feel I have to be responsible etc.
Anyway, I told her I wouldn't be having a 'session' which she understood. We got there at 4.30 ... she said, "Thank god you are here - I am soooo thirsty" and cracked open a bottle immediately.
In the time I drank 1 glass she had downed 3. By the time I was on my 2nd she was finishing the second bottle. By 8pm she was wasted ... still chatty and everything ... but wasted.
We talked about how much she drinks as her DH made a comment about how much she has every night (very unusual, he never comments apparently) and she confessed she drinks at least 1 bottle a night ... but often she has 2
That would KILL me ... 2 glasses and I am tipsy, 3 makes me pissed and 4 I am anybody's .... DH calls me a cheap date these days
She told me she has been to rehab twice but realised she isn't an alcoholic ... she can take it or leave it ... she has her liver and kidneys checked once a year and all is well ...
We left at 9pm and she must have drunk 3 bottles by then, she was swaying and squinting at me ... Her DH seemed resigned, her 3 DDs oblivious.

Very sad ...

Anything I can do?

OP posts:
moondog · 08/12/2006 20:45

3 bottles???!
Blimey...
I don't think you can do anything sadly.
She has to do that.

Original poster
heavenlyghosty · 08/12/2006 20:46

It must have been 3 bottles ... she was necking them down like they were ribena

OP posts:
lulumama · 08/12/2006 20:48

nothing you can do...if she is an alcoholic, and it sounds like she might be , or at least heading that way...until she is ready to admit she is, there is nothing you can do to make her face she is drinking too much......

Carmenere · 08/12/2006 20:49

Well at least they are aware of it, if she has been to rehab, she knows she has a problem, it is up to her to deal with it, nothing that you can do

ChristmasCaroligula · 08/12/2006 20:51

Has been to rehab twice and realised she isn't an alcoholic. My god, the awesome power of denial. Wow.

No, don't think there's anything really you can do.

nutcracker · 08/12/2006 20:51

I have a friend who can drink 3 bottles a night too although I think that was a rare occasion (hope so anyway).

She drinks a bottle most nights and if I go round for a drink by the time I have finnished 1 she has finnished 3 glasses.

TBH I was really worried for a while but her DH knows about her drinking and does try and rein her in every so often, so I decided there really wasn;'t much I could do.

Original poster
heavenlyghosty · 08/12/2006 20:57

I think what worries me is that she said she went to rehab because she thought, "I must be an alcoholic to drink this much"
This was years ago and both times she discharged herself thinking it was all a load of bollox and she wasn't an alcoholic at all ...
She regularly has memory blackouts. What shocked me is that she doesn't seem to think it is an issue ... because she is up front about it and doesn't hide her drinking.
Her DDs are so gorgeous and lovely and her DH is so kind ... but he seems so sad and resigned

OP posts:
controlfreakyturkeyandstuffing · 08/12/2006 21:02

i'm not suggesting you can / should tell him but he needs to get some support ... from alanon? he is co dependent and is enabling her to carry on like this. cant see how this is not a v real problem for the family. her parenting skills must be impaired by this level af alcohol(ab)use. what did / do you say when she is blithering on about not having a problem? do you express your own views honestly?

ProfessorGrammaticus · 08/12/2006 21:02

I don't know what you can do for her - but her DH must need a lot of support, is there anything you can do there?

Original poster
heavenlyghosty · 08/12/2006 21:06

I guess I could talk to him ... he works from home and often picks the girls up from school ...
We did talk about how she copes in the mornings with hangovers and stuff (as I just CAN NOT function with a hangover) and she seemed very proud of the fact that she gets up and deals with the children every morning .... always feels terrible but battles on sort of thing ...
I was as honest as I could be in a kind of "Surely it isn't doing your health any good" and "Have you thought about the prospect of developing diabetes in later life" type thing ... but I am not a confrontational person and didn't want to get into a row (she can be a bit shouty if pushed) ... so I didn't say, "YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC" ... obviously.

OP posts:
ProfessorGrammaticus · 08/12/2006 21:16

And even if you had said that it wouldn't have made any difference - all the cliches are true - she has to want to change etc. Hard for him, hard for the kids. Probably hard for her, too.

MrsOhHu · 08/12/2006 22:01

Please look after yourself, first and foremost. I can't really give any advise. I've seen a friend die from alcohol and it's not very nice. I guess I may understand something. Give yourself a big hug before you get more involved.

Chocol8 · 08/12/2006 23:48

Is your friend driving in the morning after a heavy session? If so, she will most definitely be over the drink drive limit and if breathalised, be done for drink driving just the same as if she had been drinking that morning. Criminal conviction, fine etc...

She is in denial, but because she is upfront about it, is kidding herself it is ok.

Original poster
heavenlyghosty · 09/12/2006 19:16

MrsOhHu ... thank you, that is so sweet.
It is a worry really,
The set up is thus: She has loads of issues from childhood (nothing nasty from what I can gather, just a case of always feeling second best next to her brother), family history of ADHD (she takes ritilin too, as does her brother and nephew and niece), always struggling with money and talks about not having any but at the same time slates people who have money (on Friday night she had a go about my DH and his drive for 'The Dollar' in his career path), her house is always a show home, never any mess (always a bit funny about my 2 year old DD coming round and potentially making a mess or breaking something), her daughters are such well behaved, beautifully turned out little girls - she takes an awful lot of pride in how they look (hair, clothes etc) yet takes little pride in herself ... Husband a lovely lovely man who clearly adores her but seems so sad and resigned like I said earlier.
She is known in School Mum circles as a bit of a laugh (Always invited to any do's as she is hilarious and good value to liven up any boring get together) but I know very few people know how much she really drinks. For example last year it was a big joke at a christmas party that she threw up in the bushes and fell asleep on the sofa - but what no one realised was that she drank a bottle of wine before she arrived and proceeded to drink VATS of alcohol during the party .... she was on a mission to get as pissed as she possibly could ... and then saw herself as a legend the next morning for getting up with the children and running around doing the ballet run etc.
I know there is little I can do - she really doesn't think she has a problem ... I just wish she could see herself that's all
Thanks for the support everyone.

OP posts:
worcestercaroline · 09/12/2006 20:14

after having lost my sister in law last year to drink I feel that u can either leave it and watch it slowly get worse until the liver and kidneys do start to fail, then hope she comes to terms with having a drink problem or maybe she might do what my sil did and still be in denial about it, friends and family saying well we've done all we can until the day its too late OR try to do something about it I know its hard could u not speak to her husband and express yr concerns and try to get him to get her to go to dr again. trust me i often wish I had done something , i do feel very angry and resentful towards my sil as I feel she chose to finish her life the way she did. When she was alive sh used to ruin family events as she would be wasted or being sick and now she has gone she still has a hold over us and spoils it in a way because its always the 1st xmas without her, her what would have been birthday, mil says oh I wish she was here to see her niece, 2nd christmas without her .... (know that sounds really selfish and cruel) I see on a daily basis how her death has affected her family and friends. My husband is only just coming to terms with her death, he was a changed person for over a yr and a half. Please try to do something for the sake of her daughters I know yr in a tricky position.

Original poster
heavenlyghosty · 09/12/2006 20:20

WC ... that is so sad ... I am sorry for you and your family
I will see if I can talk to her DH sometime soon
Thanks ...

OP posts:
worcestercaroline · 09/12/2006 20:33

thanks
at least in yr position once u have tried u have done as much as u can. It is really then up to her husband and rest of family (her brothers/sisters or parents)But at least u will have tried.

dorisofdevon · 09/12/2006 21:53

Hi, as a nurse on a acute admissions unit it is more and more common (sadly) I thoughly agree with the advice about talking to her dh, see what he thinks if you can persuad him to contact alanon or a family support charity she might accept that otherS do see her drinking as a problem (that fact that she has been to rehab before says she knows this deep down) then again she may just see it as ganging up (playground langage I know but If she feels threatened she might become defensive)

If she is a close friend i personally wouldn't want to watch her self destruct, I would do something..... too many are losing their lives and wrecking families through alcohol

worcestercaroline · 10/12/2006 19:33

I agree with u dorisofdevon

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread