There's something wrong with me.

[legolegolego]

I don't know what. No one seems to know. I keep having the 'depression' diagnosis but I'm not convinced.

This week I feel awful, the worst I've been. I have no energy, I feel like my legs are going to collapse under me. I get like this sometimes but normally I can sit down for a while and recharge, but recharging doesn't seem to work this week. I feel like all I've done is sit down and I'm still exhausted. I'm getting agitated because I'm getting nothing done. I'm also getting increasingly angry, at everything. I burst into tears after lunch because I had the radio on, the back door open (where the neighbours were talking and I could hear a lorry unloading) and builders drilling. I couldn't cope with the noise. I just want to cover my ears and scream but I don't, so I always end in tears. I've actually noticed this noise thing more and more since moving to the city, and I am much calmer in the quiet countryside.

I also have no motivation. At all. It completely baffles me when people arrange so many social outings. How do they do it? I want to do the bare minimum, but then feel grumpy because I've accomplished nothing. I feel good if I force myself to go for a run, or a walk, but I always need quiet time after.

I don't like people being close to me a lot, and I find it difficult to form a relationship because I like my own company, and need time by myself so much. Partners don't understand this so I have to pretend I've got other plans if I want a day sitting in bed. I get really frustrated with things touching me, blankets, babies crawling over me etc etc.

I just don't feel very tolerant of life :(

I need to book another doctors appointment to ask AGAIN for help, but I've no idea what I would say. I forget everything as soon as I walk into the room, and if ever I write it down before the appointment, I'm too embarrassed to get the piece of paper out.

Sorry you are feeling so shit. Have you had any blood tests at all? You could be depressed but some of your symptoms could point to thyroid issues too, particularly the exhaustion, which can be mistaken for depression.

Thyroid? Have you had this checked. I felt a lot of those symptoms before I was diagnosed. I was told it was probably pnd until I kept pressing for further investigation.

I read the first half of your post thinking yep, that sounds like depression, and whilst it may be true it doesn't sound like it fits all your symptoms. The noises/touching/other people thing made me wonder if you're on the autistic spectrum? Might you be able to get referred to someone who can assess you for that. I'm sure if you look up national charities for autism or aspergers online you can see if you think it might be a better fit?

Hope you get some answers x

I've had a lot of blood tests over the years, they all come back clear. Haven't had any for a few months but I think thyroid would have been picked up by now? I'd rather just have a sodding broken leg, at least then I would know what was wrong and not have it all in my head :(

That's interesting you mention autism. My mum is always talking about how she thinks her and her dad are mildly autistic. I'm used to extreme cases in children so I suppose I don't really associate me with it, although I will have a read up about it in adults.

I'm sorry to hear how bad you're feeling, OP.

To be honest it does sound like depression. Which doesn't mean there isn't anything else going on. Sometimes depression is a consequence of an underlying condition, rather than the underlying condition itself, if you see what I mean.

Why aren't you convinced by the depression diagnosis? I think it would help to think about what is going on, physically or mentally/emotionally, that you feel the diagnosis of depression does not explain, or other reasons why you think it is unlikely.

If you find the appointments difficult, which I can really sympathise with, I suggest emailing the doctor in advance. That way the doctor already knows your issue and you don't have that awful moment of having to explain everything while scanning her/his face for the inevitable signs of scepticism or impatience.

Also, think about what you want your doctor to do for you. In your place, I would ask for full blood tests (for thyroid dysfunction, vitamin deficiencies esp B12, D and iron), cholesterol, diabetes, white cell counts etc. That should help to work out what is going on. It may be several things, including menopause, happening together.

I do hope you get some answers.

How long had it been going on for

Sorry, cross-posted!

What about cronic fatigue syndrome?

The depression thing, I'm slightly sceptical because in 2012/2013 I was put on all sorts of anti-depressants and I don't think they helped. I had a bit of a meltdown in 2013 and CBT seemed to help with that but not the medication.

My best friend describes me as 'the most unconfident confident person' she's ever met, because I can move half way across the country by myself, start a new life every other year yet find it bloody impossible to spend an evening at the pub. I don't make sense.

Stealth, I would say it started early 2012

I was going to suggest cfs/me - I have this and find that when I'm more fatigued I struggle with noise.
B12 deficiency also has similar symptoms so worth getting this checked before going down the cfs/me route.

Yes I was wondering about b12

I'll have a little Google on that now

It sounds like you're a natural introvert anyway, needing time alone etc, which is not really a medical problem although it sounds like that is coupled with something else that is causing the tiredness and possibly exacerbating your sensitivity to noise. Could be depression, anaemia, coeliacs, cfs, it's really hard to say without being a doctor though. Have you ever read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain? I found it eye opening personally, but it might help you separate your natural tenancies from actual physical symptoms if that makes sense.

Can you remember if you had a virus or anything before you started to feel like this back in 2012?

Mine is post viral cfs but has been going on for a couple of years now. I do have the motivation to do stuff just don't have the physical ability to carry it through. You could have mild depression alongside something else? any pain anywhere?
depression with

Yes you may be right Apple. I think people find that hard to understand because I tend to be quite good at 'working the room' when I am in social situations. But I think that's more because I prefer conversations in small doses rather than anything in depth if I stay standing next to the same person long enough! And I'd still rather be sat in bed with a book...

I can't remember what it all stemmed from Hey. Perhaps it is depression after all, and I've just not found the right treatment or how to manage it yet.