what do you do when you have lost hope?

[misdee]

muddle through each day? or just break down and cry?

you come on here misdee and you shout and moan and cry and get some of it out. Then you listen, really listen, to people who care and let them hold you up a bit until another day comes when you feel like you can get through it a bit easier. And you keep coming back each time you wobble xxxxxx.

Probably a bit of both misdee.

And you can do both here.

xx

i just want to scream today. dh is back at harefield for a check up. i always lose it a bit when he is there. just want him back home.

You, quite understandably, associate harefield as a threat. It is the place that might fix Peter, it is also the place he might hear news you don't want. It is a place you don't want to be, ever. How long will he be there misdee? Can we find a way to get you through today?

Can you:

shout, cry and scream and wallow a bit?
make yourself extremely busy?
envelope yourself with people who have been where you are and understand and who can pull you through today?

its the fact that one the surface he can be seemingly well, and the one time he felt well in end stage heart failure, he got called in and didnt come out for 16months as he was actually in multi organ failure. those blood tests can reveal so so much.

i want for him to go there one more time and stay for a while because hehas a heart, not because he is failing fast again.

he seems so well. ok he has an LVAD sticking out of him, but he is so so much better. its still hard to get my head round that untill he gets a heart he is dying still. yes he is stable, but one infection on that LVAD drive lines, and he could be a goner

I just want him home now. and he will have onyl just arrived.

I am about to go out with dd2+3, then nursery run after lunch. this afternoon hopefulyl dd3 will have a nap and i can get one with preparing dinner, which hopefulyl he will be home for, and maybe bake a cake.

Stay busy and yeah, bake that cake if the girls will let you. Its a horrible situation to be in, like walking on eggshells I imagine and each day that you get through is actually a massive acomplishment for you, each day you are getting up and getting through in spite of begin emotionally ransacked and thats hard work.

Focus on him coming home tonight, post here again and let us know how it goes today xxx.

some days i do feel there is no hope left. he has been back on the list now for over a year, and one call. thats it. what if he missed his chance by being de-listed after the LVAD op.

Do you have much support in the real world misdee? Thinking of you today

Do you know what my latest coping strategy is Misdee? It's to ride out the horrid hopeless feeling knowing that in a couple of hours or at worst at cople of days, I will at least feel a bit different and less hopeless. It's true the situation may not have changed drastically.. but the way we feel does.. constantly and often dramatically.

I am a great believer in reminding myself that "..this too shall pass.."

You particlar situation is pretty damn hellish I'm sure.. but you are a lady with great personality, strength and courage even if it often deserts you as well it might! You are only human! But come what may, you will feel better and more able to cope at some future point not far from now, however bad you feel at the moment.

((hugs))

break down and cry, then pick yourself up and get on with muddling through the day. Crying helps release the tension - so do it when you need to - it helps.

misdee

Where there is life, there is hope. So while life is not lost, hope is not lost.

It's only natural to have down days, especially when Peter is away from you having tests. And it's ok to cry, because tears can wash away the despair, and bring a smile back when Peter comes home. use the time he's away to have some you time, sit down, have a cup of tea while the kids are playing/napping/at school. Then make dinner/a cake, and before you know it he'll be home with you all again.

He's still with you, so while he's still there, the call can still come.

be strong

well he is home. and i just got a call from the transplant clinic! omgoodness i thought this is it!!

but it was just a call to confirm his next appointment

when will it happen? WHEN?

aw bloody hell misdee. The ups and downs are hellish - why can't they call themselves the appointments clinic???????

How was his day then? As expected?

Hi Misdee I didn't realise your dh was so poorly and as I gather waiting for a heart. Just wanted to send you all a big hug ((((()_))))) and say that I hope he gets one soon..........

By the way I am a cryer when things get too much but sometimes a shout and a scream can relieve the tension!

yes turkey, he has been on and off the transplant list since march 2005 all this info on his illness is on www.waitingforthecall.blogspot.com

Misdee I just wanted to let you know I am thinking and praying for you and Peter. I just came across all your info and my heart goes out to you both. I could so easily have lost my DH this summer, I was falling apart and worried sick. He is on the mend thank god but I know the pain of potentially losing DH is just unbearable. You have those adorable DC together, try and keep up your absolute amazing strength. I second an earlier post, "where there is life there is hope", hang on in there Misdee, your courage is admirable and we are all praying for you and your family.

You won't lose hope misdee, I guess it must feel like it sometimes, but you won't.

Just followed your link Misdee - I didn't know your whole story - you and Peter are both so young - I had imagined you were older (not that it makes any difference). Your girls are beautiful. Sending you cyber huggs

Thinking of you misdee xxx

I'm thinking of you too, Misdee. I hope Peter's appointment went well.