Compulsive buying of the most ridiculous thing...

[Bibiboo]

Okay so I've put this in health because I think I'm quietly losing the plot.

I've got a dd (2.1) and planned another fairly soon after but had a m/c just before dd turned 1. I was trying to get over that when my Dad died and we decided we were going to put babies on hold for the forseeable future for emotional and financial reasons. I even went as far as having a coil fitted. Various problems with that meant I had it taken out a few months ago and ever since then, despite the fact that we're using condoms I'm compulsively buying pg tests.

I would be over the moon to discover I was pg, but it's almost as if I'm wishing the decision was taken away from me. I'm too scared of how we'll cope if we were to choose to have a baby, but like I said, I'd be overjoyed if I accidentally got pg.

Wandering round Boots last night (buying condoms ironically), I just picked a test up and popped it into my basket - no need, I know I can't be pg (or there's a v v v tiny chance) but I just had to have it. I frequently waste two every month - I am mad aren't I?

When I say "scared of how we'd cope" I mean for childcare and money. We wouldn't be skint, but we'd be close.

thats your sub conscious telling u something

That I'm mad and will soon start stealing babies out of their prams?

it is far from ridicolous IMO.....you have had two bereavements...the loss if a baby & the loss of your dad...in quick succession

have you allowed yourself to grieve fully for both these losses....did you not grieve after the miscarriage because your dad passed away perhaps?

your buying of the pregnancy tests is telling you that you have not addressed the need for another child...you can hide it away..but it is there lurking......you obviously really want anther child and are hoping, by some miracle. you get pregnant without meaning too..then you don;t have to have made a decision and it is a fait accompli...

have you spoken about your bereavements with anyone?

does DH know how much you want another baby?

no --not mad...trying to cope....

I thought I had grieved for my baby but burying my Dad only a few plots from my baby, 3 months later kind of took over.

Dh is leaving the decision of when to have another up to me. He's ready and willing right away but knows it's an emotional time and thinks I should decide when to put myself through it again.

We are desperate for another baby, but losing my Dad has impacted on childcare - my Mam is still grieving and in her 70s - when they were both at home together a baby was manageable as two babies would have been, but my Mam's not up to two on her own.

That leaves my MIL and childcare - we can't afford childcare for another babbie and MIL is already reluctant to look after dd more than her 2 afternoons and 1 day a week - I think she'd maybe look after a baby too, but we wou'dnt hear to end of it.

My head says I should get a promotion at work and go 3 days a week, then have a baby. My heart and ovaries say BABY NOW!!!