Expecting my lump to return

[Rivercam]

During 2012, I got breast cancer. I was fortunate in that I only got a small lump, had a lumphectomy and radiotherapy. Apart from ongoing tamoxifen, I've been fine since.

In many ways, I don't feel I've had cancer. I never felt ill, and the treatment was good. It wasn't a complete smooth ride, but I know how fortunate I was.

Since then, my mammograms have been clear.

Occasionally, however, I get breast tenderness/ache. Before. I never really thought of breast cancer, now I know I'm at risk from it. Sometimes I expect to get another lump, and know I won't be so lucky. I'm almost waiting for it to appear. Does anyone else feel like this?

Hi rivercam. I have been through exactly the same as you except I was diagnosed last May and am expecting to have my first annual mammogram fairly soon. My treatment was quick and relatively easy and I know I was very lucky. I have been posting on the tamoxigang thread for the last year which has kept me sane.

I completely understand how you feel and the worry about it coming back. I think that is something I'm going to have to learn to live with and I guess you have had times when you have managed to control your fears, but it comes in waves.

It's quite nice, in a funny way, to hear from someone who has had exactly the same type of lump and treatment as me. Most other people have had more extensive treatment and I have felt almost guilty for getting away with so little. It also makes me think that at some point I'll get a really bad diagnosis. Logically that is unlikely, my chances are very good and I expect yours are too but cancer messes with your head. Have you been on the tamoxigang thread? It's a very friendly place and you would be most welcome to come and chat.

Me too RiverCam. I had DCIS (pre cancer), and had a double mastectomy. But no rads or chemo because DCIS is not yet invasive. And I am still massively paranoid that it will come back. I have an unexplained pain in my shoulder, and some days I am sane and rationale, and others I think they misdiagnosed, it was invasive, and has spread to my bones.

Not sure what the answer is. I am going to give myself two years from diagnosis, and if I'm still being paranoid then I will ask for help.

Until then, I figure a bit of paranoia is to be expected....

I totally empathise.

Agree Tamoxigang thread is great. I never really post, but I lurk and take strength and comfort from the ladies on there.

StillProcrastinating your story is very similar to mine except that my mastectomies were 11 months apart, the 2nd being Sept last year. I have very similar thoughts to you. Counselling has helped me.

I post on the Tamoxigang thread and find it helpful to exchange thoughts and info with the ladies there. You are not alone!

Hi Marshy, nice to meet someone else in the same place. I had to wait six months for my second mastectomy. Still don't understand why, I argued until I was blue in the face, but convinced them eventually!

I'm so unsure about the whole counselling thing. River has it been suggested to you? I just don't like letting stuff out. A "good" cry just leaves me with a headache!

Hi still
I wish I had had both breasts off at the same time. They discovered dcis in my 2nd breast at my annual.mammo so I had to go through the miserable investigation process and recovery from surgery all over again. Luckily the outcome was similar to the first time.

Re counselling, my gp spoke to me 3 times before I agreed to it and I cried solidly for the first two sessions which wasn't much fun. But I can talk about it now without even a lump in my throat and generally feel so much better. It's a very individual decision though.

Thank you for all your replies. It's helpful to read that other people feel the same.