Do I need anti-depressants?

[Bumblelion]

Can anyone give me some advice?

In a nutshell:-
I had an affair 3 years ago and now my marriage is over although it is still early days - i.e. he is still living with me, although he is in the loft.

My dad died 2 years ago (he was my boss at work where I still work) and was at work one day, dead the next. It was that sudden and that much of a shock.

My mum has had 3 nervous breakdowns in the past (once when I was 11, just after my DD was born 9 years ago and just after my dad died - understandably so, I think in the circumstances - bit of a shock, and all that). My mum is also having a nervous breakdown at the moment - not looking after herself, not looking after the house, not driving the two cars, etc. She is on anti-depressants and I am now thinking that may be I need some (Prozac, or something).

I have 3 children - 9 years old, 5 years old and 5 months. People ask why I have a baby of 5 months when my marriage is breaking up but when I fell pregnant (tried for baby with husband's joint decision) I never imagined I would be in the position I am now.

My H told me New Years Eve he was leaving me and then changed his mind. The day before Valentines Day he told me again that our marriage is over and since then I have had to slowly come to terms with this.

To start with, I felt relieved - at least I knew where our marriage was going (nowhere!) but now, 8 weeks on, I feel I am starting to "lose it".

I work part-time and have 3 children to look after. My H is still around and I still cook dinners, wash, iron, etc. while he does the decorating, gardening, etc. Nothing has changed in that respect but I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay sane. Last weekend I spent Sunday and Monday in tears - just kept crying for no reason (other than that I am feeling sorry for myself - can't believe my marriage has failed).

I still love my H and he says he loves me but he no longer likes me or wants to be with me. I think I am finding the fact that he no longer wants to be with me very hard to deal with. My friends tell me I should ask him to leave and he actually said on Monday night that he feels he should leave as it might make it easier for me.

I don't want him to leave - although I know we are not together I don't feel I would be able to deal with the fact if he actually left my house. Although, every night, either he is out or I am out at least he is still living with me. Although, saying that, I was beside myself Saturday night as he had gone out with a girl friend from work and didn't come home until gone 4 am. I was so upset and I think that is why I didn't stop crying Sunday.

He says, quite rightly, that he is not being unfaithful as we are no longer married and when I had the affair it was worse because we were still married. I said I still feel I am being betrayed.

I said to him that I have got to get my car MOT'd in the garage which is just behind where he works. While it is being MOT'd, I said I would pop in for a coffee and I said to him that he had better make sure that T (girl from work) stays out of my sight because I feel like punching her f*cking lights out. That makes me feel worse inside. I feel sick in my stomach thinking of him and her together. He says they are not actually sleeping together or anything, they go out together because they are in the same situation - she left her partner just after Christmas. I feel so angry, bitter, upset all the time.

But would anti-depressants make me feel any better? I know I have got to deal with this and I don't want to take any tablets if they are going to make me into a zombie (although I know that isn't the case) but I feel I need to deal with the situation and if I start taking anti-d's it might make me stop dealing with what is happening which means that I will have to deal with it some time in the future.

I just feel so lonely and this is so hard for me to deal with. When I am in work (like at the moment) or out with my friends, I am cheerful, jolly and enjoy myself. This is not a front, I really am like that and I do feel fine but it seems that sometimes it just gets on top of me.

I feel I have so much to deal with at the moment - money worries, my mum (who is normally my best friend) not being there for me as she is depressed and my marriage on the rocks (well, not on the rocks exactly, more like "smashed to smithereens".

Bumblelion, just posted to you on another thread.

I'd say you need to do whatever it takes to get you through this horrible time. You could try asking your GP what he/she thinks, if you have a good relationship with them and trust them to give you good advice?

On the one hand, you're going through a terrible, terrible time and it's no wonder you're down and feeling depressed: who wouldn't be? Therefore your reactions are normal and maybe you don't need anti-depressants.

On the other hand, if some medication helps get you through this, then maybe you should consider it. Crying most of the time is (one)symptom of depression so maybe it's worth a shot to get you through the next few months? Although I would add that if you do feel happy and normal some of the time, you're probably not (IMHO) clinically depressed, just responding to what's happening around you and in your life.

Also what about alternative therapies: reflexology, yoga, counselling (just you, for someone to talk to)?

HTH

Bumblelion ((((hugs))))
I have had depression on and off and been in hospital with it - and it sounds like you have more than ample reason to be depressed.
Just because it is a bad situation doesn't mean that you dont need antidepressants. They might help you cope better.
I think you should print out your own post and go to see your GP with it. This means you dont have to remember everything you want to say and you can let them read it if you get tearful while there.
All the best. I think you are being very strong and brave, especially for your children, and you need to look after yourself too.
Take care, and keep in touch and let us know how you are.

Thanks for your kind words. I think I will go and see my doctor and, as you say, take along a print of this. I know what I am like - I will arrive feeling all strong and positive and then start crying. When I start crying, I cannot seem to get any words out - they get stuck in my throat.

Wickedwaterwitch - I used to do yoga when I was a (lot) younger and really enjoyed it. I can still remember the feeling of relaxation at the end of the class. I might enquire to see whether I can find any classes locally - I think that would make me feel better - clear my mind, etc.

Because my mum has suffered from depression for years, I think I know that I haven't actually got depression in the correct medical sense, I know I am just down and I will pick myself up. Because I am normally so strong and positive, I think it frightened me on Monday to see how desolate I felt. I didn't have "bad" negative feelings (if you know what I mean), just couldn't believe how awful I felt.

My mum has got a doctor's appointment next week (I have to take her as if I rely on her to get herself there, she won't turn up) and I might see if I can book myself an appointment too.

My HV knows some of what is going on as I used to attend a "Stop Smoking Clinic" (another thing I failed at) and when I went after Christmas, I had to tell them I had started smoking again. I actually got upset in the HV office as I explained about my mum, my husband and also the "stress" (if you can call it that) of having a new baby (although she is absolutely wonderful - so good, I wouldn't be without her).

I look at my children and cry thinking I have ruined/am ruining their lives but at least I have got 3 beautiful children out of my marriage.

At the end of the day, my childrens' happiness, security and stability is my prime concern but my husband says, quite rightly, that if they see I am okay then they will be okay. This is just a bit harder to put into practice though.

Bumblelion,

As I said on the other thread, I think you need to get him out of the house. It's like being on a diet and having chocolate in the cupboard, if it's there to keep reminding you it makes it worse.

I don't know what you mean when you say he says quite rightly your marriage is over so he's not being unfaithful - are you divorced or officially separated yet ? If not then it's not over and there is no difference between what you did and what he did ! He may feel it's over but you certainly don't. You are being betrayed and what's worse is that it's like you are having half a relationship. Surely it's better to have nothing at all than sloppy seconds ? You don't know if you're coming or your going. I think that's a nightmare situation to be in.

It is totally understandable that you feel depressed. I don't know what advice to give here except that although your mum has had several breakdowns and this may make you feel like it runs in the family, I don't think it does. My mum also had a nervous breakdown when I was little and has a tendency to depression. I do believe though that taking anti depressants, although helping you through the day, doesn't make the problem go away and it's still there to be faced when you wake up until you take some more to get you through the day. It's totally understandable what you are feeling and no wonder you feel like you're having a breakdown, anyone would. Try if you can though to work through it withouth because you will still have to deal with the problems later anyway.
Why don't you try some support groups - I am sure it will help to have other people to talk it through with who are in a similar situation. I have been divorced already and am married again now and ever so happy. But it does take time and you need to work through the grief, it's like losing someone through death. I instigated the split up with my previous husband because things weren't right but it still needs working through. So it must be a 100 times worse for you if you still love him. I can't help but think that you are overly punishing yourself and he is making it much worse for you / rubbing your face in it although he may genuinely be thinking he is making it better for you. How can he still love you yet not want to be with you. I hate to say it but I think if you turn around and stand up to him he will probably respect you a lot more. Don't tell him you love him anymore. Just tell him you think it's best for everyone if he goes. I think he will certainly be surprised. It sounds to me like he is probably enjoying you being beside yourself and desperate for him back whilst still carrying on with this other woman.

It's really not fair on the kids either, what sort of example is he setting ? It must be totally confusing for them. As I type I am getting angrier and angrier. I vote he goes. What you did was wrong but at least it was in the open and you didn't prolong his suffering. What he is doing is slightly sick and he is being all pious and self righteous and is rubbing your nose in it. I vote tell him to b-gg-r off !

Love and sympathy. If you need a chat, you can call me.

Bumblelion, I really feel for you. Do you feel any better when you talk to a friend or something nice happens with the kids? I heard psychologist Dorothy Rowe on Desert Island Discs the other week who said some interesting things about depression - it's when you can't be 'lifted' out of the sad/low feelings by someone else, ie you're depressed, not sad. She's written a lot about how depression/happiness results from our own personal reaction to events..some people feel down when little things happen, others seem to sail through whopping disasters.
A couple of years ago when my relationship was in trouble and work was really s**y I literally fell apart one morning over something trivial and was signed off by my doctor for 3 wks. drugs were never mentioned and only later did I realise how ill I'd been. I didn't feel better even when I spoke to best friends, my mum etc, who usually manage to bring a smile to my face. The passage of time helped a lot but I do wonder whether my GP had a too "hands off" approach. good luck, you're being a real trooper!

Firstly, Tillysmummy - we are not officially separated or divorced. I am going to be strong here and say I know he has to leave and I will ask him to. At least he said on Monday night that he feels he should leave so I am half way there. I just feel so lonely now - although I won't feel any lonelier when he has gone. I think sometimes you can have a house full of people and be surrounded by so many people, but still feel lonely.

He said that, although I don't want to hear it, the children will adapt. The baby is too young to understand and DS is still a bit young (5) but our DD (9) is more than likely to know a bit of what is going on. I have had my DD friends' mums tell me that DD has been saying things to their children (her friends) like "I don't think daddy loves mummy any more", etc. so she does now something is wrong.

H was 6 when his dad died and he said he can remember being told on Christmas Eve that daddy had died and everyone was crying. He said he remembers sitting in the lounge also crying but not knowing why he was crying. He only seemed to be crying because everyone else was. DS is a year younger than H was when his dad died and H said DS will adapt very easily. I said the one difference there is that when someone dies, that someone cannot help it but I feel that if he leaves the children will know it is because he/I wanted him to - it is not that it is something out of anyone's control.

Bundle - I don't think I am actually "depressed", I am just sad. I feel angry sometimes (at myself for what I did and towards my H for hurting me now). When I am with my friends, most (95%) of the time I feel fine, I feel great in fact. When I am with my children, I also feel absolutely fine. We had such a good time last night swimming - they enjoyed themselves so much and I got my enjoyment from seeing them enjoy themselves.

I would say I am happy most of the time - it just seems that sometimes things get on top of you but I will be fine and happy again soon, I know I will.

I have got a busy weekend this weekend - out with friends from work (one of the girls is leaving) and also on Saturday it is my friend's birthday so we are going to Tiger Tiger, a new pub/club near where I live.

I don't normally go out two nights on the trot (well, actually, never have before) but it is just the way it goes. I know that when I go out Friday night, I will have a great time and feel good. I am normally a fairly confident person (when H is not around) and know how to enjoy myself (without being "silly".

Positive Thinking Here - When I go out Saturday night, I am going to get dressed up big time. I know that when I "do" my hair, make-up, etc. I look fairly decent and I am going to prove to H that I am not heart-broken, devastated, etc. I am going to get out there and enjoy myself.

Thanks so much for your positive comments - I actually feel like a weight has lifted my shoulders and I actually feel a bit better than I had this morning.

((Bumblelion)) - it might be worth talking to your GP about tablets if you are finding things so hard - they aren't a life-sentence anymore, and often are used short-term to allow patients to deal with the situation that is causing the depression , and then reduced once the crisis is passed.

It sounds like however that you are feeling a lot better and you have had some fabulous advice from the other mums on this thread, so perhaps it wont be necessary - I really hope that things work out for you

Bumbleion, I only come into this from time to time but have picked up a little of your situation. The thing that always strikes me is how much care and concern and love you have for your children and that is worth more than anything.
I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you. It sounds as if someone (NOT YOU!) is being v unreasonable. Don't let him pass all the blame to you. Hang in there.

Hi Bumblelion, No I'm not sorry I asked how you were on the other thread! Glad you've been able to write some more stuff down if it makes you feel better. I've taken some antidepressants - a brand of Prozac called Fluoxetine. they did work for me and are not addictive according to a lot of sources. It may be worth talking to your GP about them as you may not be clinically depressed (hey, like I'm a doctor) but they may help get you through tough times ahead. Also, I have been thinking about you and was going to say what Tillysmummy said about it being like grieving when somebody dies. You will I'm sure go through times of intense grief and anger but I am sure that you will come through it. I have had a horrible time with my husband during the last few years - I cried all the time when things were first bad, then got angry and thought he's bloody well not going to treat me like this anymore! And sad to say, in a way I got over him. we are still together - by a thread - and who knows how it will go. But the point of all this is - YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!! I won't reiterate stuff that's already been said - and there's a lot of good stuff there, but hang on in there girl, we're rooting for you!

Bumblelion, as someone who has been through a devestating marriage break up I can only offer my own experience , which is I felt exactly as you describe, and did go to my GP who recommended antidepressants.
They helped enormously.They made me see more clearly, beyond the overwhelming sense of sadness, and I was able to make some decisions and find a way out of the fog.
Modern antidepressants DO NOT turn you into a zombie. They are are quite unlike the oldfashioned tranquilisers.
If you and your doc think they are right for you,(perhaps you will decide they are not appropriate after all) two points to remember about antis - they take a few weeks to work ( two or more)
There are many different types and it may take a couple of attempts beofore your GP finds one which works for you.
Best of luck.
Incidentally I agree you have to get your husband out of the house. If the marriage is over you need to start getting over it sooner rather than later.If there is any chance of a reconciliation that's another matter, but if it's over, you have to move on and that means stop living under the same roof.

Have i just said the same thing as everybody else?! Just read the other stuff again. Oh well, I'm thinking of you even if I'm not very original!

I've been thinking about you Bumblelion. I hope you can be strong and give him his marching orders. He is clearly having his cake and eating it, and he is trying to justify his behaviour to you. He should not be living under your roof whilst dating someone else (IMO), or dating someone else at all whilst the split is still fresh, and he should not leave it up to you to tell your children what is going on, which is what it sounds like he is doing.

Once he has gone you can get on with your life, at the minute you are stuck in a rut, he is still there and you see him every day, you know what he is up to and it hurts. See someone if you can, much better than anti-depressants believe me. Have a girls night out once a week and get him to babysit (might as well make him useful while he's still around). If you lived closer I would take you out myself!

Don't rush yourself, allow yourself time to heal. Just take it one day at a time. You're a strong person, you can get through this. Did you visit that website? www.soyouvebeendumped.com. It has a chat room, legal advice, personal stories, etc. It is full of camarderie and is designed to uplift you and help you to move on. It also has nice stories from people who have moved on about what they are doing now and how happier they are. Have a look, it might just cheer you up. Things will not be like this forever, in another year you might be completely different, who knows what may happen?

I'll be thinking of you still.x

It is strange but I feel so much stronger today than I have done recently (well since Sunday actually) and I know I don't need anti-depressants. I just think I need someone to talk to. I wil definitely have a look at the "youvebeendumped" web site - just hope it doesn't upset me too much (only joking). It might give me some strength to see how others have dealed with the situation.

My mum is currently on anti-depressants as she is depressed and I do know there are so many different ones available and they do take a while to get into your system before they start working. I don't actually believe I need these, talking is so good for me.

I might see if I can go to Relate on my own (although when I phoned before their waiting list was very long) just so I can come to terms with what is happening - not so that me and H can get back together again - I now know that is not going to happen.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and support - it really does make a difference to me even though you are only "virtual" friends.

I have one or two good friends that I can talk to - other people I feel are both our friends and I could never talk to them.

One good thing about this site is that I can be absolutely truthful and know I am not going to be judged.

Bumblelion - more (((hugs)))
Glad you are feeling better today!
Virtual friends are great, but I'm really glad you have some real ones you can talk to too.

Will be thinking of you, lots of love susan XX