It just hit me, I think DH is autistic

[Reastie]

I have no idea where to put this thread, so hoping this is a good space?

It's just dawned on me over the past week, I think DH may be autistic. I guess I'm wondering if other people think I'm on to something based on his behaviour.

He doesn't have any friends. None. He isn't very good at social interaction. He doesn't like lots of people and crowds. He says he's never felt the need to have friends and is happy on his own. He doesn't handle his emotions well and will occasionally have aggressive/angry bursts. This is never physical to me but I get upset by the outbursts and DH has never been able to understand that his behaviour has an effect on me. To him, the emotion has left his system and it's my issue if I'm upset by it not his and he doesn't seem very bothered about my upset (which in turn upsets me more!). I take an interest in how his day was etc, he doesn't very much to me, or if he does it's sometimes asking for the purposes of feeling he should ask rather than if he's interested. He isn't great with knowing what emotionally I need, and I'll often have to ask him or tell him what I need from him.

BUT, isn't obsessional about facts, can't remember things in that way. He doesn't have a collection of things of be fanatical about anything in particular. I always thought he was just funny with emotions etc but never really thought he couldn't see things from other peoples perspectives. Now I wonder if he can see things from other people's perspectives but more from the view that the other person is like him perhaps in the way they think and see things and if they aren't he isn't sure quite how to deal with that.

Gah, looking at the facts now I can't believe I haven't thought or accepted this may be the case sooner. How does it look to you? And where on earth do I go from here?

I'm certain my father has (undiagnosed) Asperger's. The odd thing is that I never made the connection. When my godson was being diagnosed, I read a lot of studies, and was discussing them with my DP, when he said that sounded just like my father. It was as if scales fell from my eyes, and I realised immediately that he was 100% right. My siblings know, and agree, but I've said nothing to him or my mother. A diagnosis would baffle him and be of no real use to a man in his 70s, and my mother would be devastated.

The maddening thing, though, is that she normalised his behaviour to us throughout our childhoods - she is shy and very isolated, and had zero experience of men before she married him at 21, and continually generalises about how 'men are like that', based on my father's behaviour, some elements of which are more pronounced as he gets older (terror and anger at the slightest break in routine, half-hour monologues on obscure usually technical topics, regardless of audience, obsession with technical facts, complete inability to understand social cues/tailor his conversation to different people etc etc.)

OP, I'm no expert, but nothing in your post is saying autistic spectrum to me.

OP what made you fall in love with him?
Was he always so rude to you?
Do you have children?
When you were dating did you not find it strange that he had no friends?

OK, there's alot of things in here that I find very interesting and thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel a little overwhelmed by some of the things said here and think I just need to take a mental step back and let what you've said sink in and think about it all so I don't really have anything useful to add ATM.

look after yourself. x

Firbolg that's an interesting mumsnet name.

Take care OP. I hope you can get the help you need to make sense of your relationship