Stressed and in a vicious circle - advice please!!! (long)

[Plumpbump]

Hi there

I could do with some advice from you guys, rather than those close to me in RL! I'll give you a bit of background first, if that's ok...

I'm not sure which order to put things as I don't want to give the impression that any one thing is worse than another at the moment! I am pg, 2nd trimester; I have a stressful job, which without giving too much away, should have been easier since the summer, as new job description, except I am doing old job plus new bits as old job tasks have yet to be reallocated. On top of this my line manager left and has not been replaced. I was, for one part of my job, more senior than he, but am now doing his job (running a department) as well. On top of this, I have been given another project.

I am doing not one of my three jobs very well as I am overloaded. I don't want to bring up the pg thing, but I am pg and think, if anything, workload should descrease.

Next up, we are in the process of buying first house. It feels like an nightmare. DH has taken over the reins, but I am like a cat on a hot tin roof.

On Sunday, I had an "episode", i suppose. Tiny thing triggered it, but it was basically a conversation trying to fit one more event into the week and I cracked, hyperventilated, roared crying, drove off in car, weeped all night, woke at 4.30am cried again.

Have been to work until today. Awoke with pounding headache, onset of yet another migraine. Have been off one day a week for past three with migraines. GP prescribed Codeine and Paracetamol. Was checked throughly and not suspected to be pg related. Just stress/tension etc. I do not normally get migraines.

I checked my email from home today and felt anxious, panic stricken and burst into tears again.

I am worried about the effect on the baby and on me. I feel like I am fighting my way out of a paper bag. I feel like no-one at work hears my pleas for help and suspect "she's pg" is the general excuse.

I think the doctor would sign me off but feel anxious about that as only I can realistically do some of the things at work (hence my need to check into emails). Will things be worse if I go off sick? Am I a failure, flakey? Am I not coping because I am pg or hormonal? Is this "stress"?

Any thoughts would be welcome....

Sorry plump am on the way out and havent got time to reply but wanted to bump this for you.

plumpbump, it sounds like you are under high stress. I don't think it matters whether it is pregnancy-related/triggered. You have enough on your plate to make a non-pregnant lady doolally.

But the pregnancy hormones could compound things. Do you have a previous pregnancy to compare against?

You are right to worry about the effect on baby and yourself. The company must take your GP's sign-off seriously for health and safety reasons. If you think you are able to cope, then offer to work from home to cover the essential parts of your job that only you can do. But please make it clear that you are doing thisv as a favour to the company - you are not obliged to once your GP has signed you off. And also that you need to handover asap. It is appalling for an employer to triple a pregnant employee's workload! They should be the ones worried instead.

You are NOT a failure. You need to take care of yourself and baby

Thank you so much. This is my first pregnancy, so unsure what to expect. My DH questioned whether being signed off would just load it up ready for me to come back to, but I just think they would have to address the issue properly as at the moment, I'm plodding on alone.

The awful thing is that things are so bad generally, the senior managers looked grey and pained. I don't want to add to their load, but I think when everyone is stressed, they are less sympathetic when someone is crying out for help.

They shouldn't be doing this to you, whether you're pregnant or not (says she, who has just had a v stressful time at work and left it untackled for a few weeks but hey, do as I say, not as I do). You have to tackle the old job/new job thing and ask them to make sure your old workload is allocated to a new person or someone else. If there isn't a new person it's not your problem, you cannot do 2 jobs. You cannot:

do 2 jobs
run a department when it's not your main job
AND run a project

if you list it like that does it seem more unreasonable to you? Does the manager above your manager know this is the situation? Because if not they need to make it their business and prioritise for you. You can give them a list of tasks (have you got one showing the time it would take for each to complete?) and ask them which they want you to do and which you can ignore or delegate or not do.

And put it all in writing, now. Don't mention your pregnancy, I reckon this would be enough to get someone down without being pregnant and it's not relevant, them overloading you is relevant.

I posted recently and had some good advice, will do you a link in a minute.

What's helped me in the past couple of weeks:

I don't check emails from home
I only open my email at certain times of day
I say no whenever it's reasonable (I sent an email yesterday saying more or less 'you've got to be joking if you think I can read this document and sign it off with 5 hours notice')
I make sure I have lunch away from my desk
I am trying to leave on time with an 'if it's not done then never mind' attitude

You're not a failure or flaky by the sound of it. You're stressed and overloaded and pregnant. Which does mean your hormones are in overdrive but doesn't mean they're being reasonable.

The more I hear about tihs the more I think it's so awful that so many people are in this situation, my sister is having a similar problem and I really feel for her. Don't suppose you're in a union are you?

my thread

Hi plumpbump, sorry you're having such a hard time. Agree with all other mn's about work-related issues. YOU ARE NOT A FLAKEY/FAILURE!! We're so hard on ouselves and worried about not making a fuss...why shouldn't we when we have 200x amount of oestrogen per day directing our emotions (or whatever the figure is, compared to a non-pregnant woman!) Regarding house stuff, I think that again, though stessful under ordinary circs, this is compounded by pregnancy hormones. We had a flood 1 week before DS1 arrived and now having some minor structural stuff done before DS2 due at Xmas, and I am a wreck!! Finding the disruption so stressful and it's nowhere near what you're going through. I've never been one to blame hormones, previously thinking that people did it to make excuses, but I can't deny that an unsettled home life during pregnancy has sent me doolally both times. All I can recommend is trying to have just a day away from it all and enjoying some time with your partner to try to put it in perspective. Counting down the days until maternity leave helps me too...I try to think that no matter what crap they throw at me today, I've only got x days left of it etc. Based on my last maternity leave, I quite literally forgot all about work the second I went into labour, and did not think about it again until DS1 was at least six months!

Looking on the bright side, if some of this stress is hormone-related, you are fairly likely to have a swing up to a blissful mood soon, whether or not the circumstances improve, emotions being as unpredictable as they are during pregnancy!! Hope things get better very soon. Until then, please do not beat yourself up about how you are coping, you'll realise how well you did cope when you look back a this in a few months. And don't let any buggers at work rob you of this amazing time! No job in the world compares to being a mommy, and you are entitled to enjoy your pregnancy regardless of work pressures. Take care x

Hiya,

I really feel for you on this one. I'm in a similar situation in my own job, despite being pregnant I've been sent on trips all over the country and had my arm twisted into overtime and long hours when it was making me ill. Even from managers who claimed to be sympathetic there was very little consideration given for my circumstances.

This also included allowing a close colleague with infectious shingles to keep coming in to work. I raised this with management and HR as posing a risk to me and my baby, but despite many words of sympathy, no-one was willing to tell the person they shouldn't be in. I felt that the demands of the project were put well ahead of my health and safety, much as they are doing with you.

I have now come to the conclusion that in business no-one is going to do anything to help you unless compelled to do so, however nice individual people are, so I have to look after my and my baby's interests myself, and if that means being signed off mid-projec then so be it. If the company, knowing you are pregnant, hasn't put any arrangments for cover in (bearing in mind they will have to cover your maternity leave soon) then it's their own problem for not being organised.

I was back to work today after nearly three weeks off, partly sick leave, partly the first proper holiday I've had all year, and after my being absent for that length of time they have suddenly decided to get someone to learn what I do as they've finally realised they are a bit stuck if I'm not there.

Perhaps being off for a bit (and don't do emails or calls, your stress will not decrease if you are doing that and it sounds like you really need the rest) will make them realise that they need to take your needs more seriously. There is nothing wrong with needing to wind down the stress and workload a bit during preganancy and everything wrong with loading extra responsibility onto people (even the non-pregnant ones).

hi plumpbump, www is right. You are very sweet to worry about your senior managers but they are paid to do a job, namely sorting out staffing issues, not to bury their head in the sand. Don't feel shy about standing up for yourself (and baby).

AGree with all posters. Luckily work were very sympathetic to me, fab manager. The stress thing though....I went bonkers at the end of my pg (around 34 weeks until delivery at 39 weeks). Hormones were all over the place, I had shed-loads of panic attacks which I could do nothing about and was terrified what I was doing to my unborn baby.
If I had been in the situation where I could have actively influenced my situation - I wouldn't have hesistated.
Is anyone going to thankyou for putting in 200% effort? You are not flakey by any stretch of anyone's imagination!
If you were unable to work, say you had flu, what would they do? The world would carry on revolving and THEY'D FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT!

Take it easy on yourself and your bubba. Don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty.
I had dreadful trouble 'letting go' of work as I didn't know what else to do. Once the baby arrives you honestly won't give a toss about work (you won't have time too!)

I had a situation at work which caused me major stress without being pregnant. I don't even want to go into the repercussions that it had for me, but in the end I decided that my employers were complete wnkers and got a new job. What really pssed me off was the fact that the situation was down to their inability to manage our department properly, but I was made to feel like it was my fault. If your company value you, they will be supportive; if they don't, you have to put yourself first and get signed off. I got signed off and then put the sh*ts up my old employers by saying that I had told them how I was feeling so they were on notice that I was suffering from depression/stress and I considered my being signed off to be completely foreseeable. Apparently, they subsequently asked on of my colleagues if he knew whether I was going to sue! Petty, maybe, but it gave me some satisfaction to think that I might have caused my boss a few sleepless nights...

(Excuse my language, but it still makes me so angry to think of the way they behaved!)

Haven't read all the responses so apologies if I'm repeating folk. Get signed off. Take a week or two to get yourself back together. Not pg related, but I went through a similar thing at work and it kept going and going and going... and so did I. And a year later I was very depressed and off work for months.

I do think that hormone wise you're likely to feel a bit more vulnerable and weepy too. If it's any help, I cried for ages because I forgot my M&S gift token when going to the shops the other week. And cried for 2 hours the other night because I was tired and couldn't get to sleep.

But, get signed off. The fact is that in about 16-20wks someone is going to have to be doing ALL your jobs. So why not let them get used to the idea a bit earlier?

Take care and cut yourself a bit slack.

I can't thank you all enough - you have helped my head to clear enough to be rational and understand the points you have made. I am going to get signed off, make arrangements for someone to cover immediate jobs and see if my email will set up one of those instant replies explaining I am absent.

I think when things go so far, you can't see the wood for the trees. The thing that frustrates me is that I work in a "vocational" industry and it just seems that everyone feels entitled to a piece of me.

I really really appreciate the time you have all taken to post and impart your wisdom. xxx

Following post earlier this week, I have been signed off until the 21st October. After much deliberation the GP and I decided to be honest on the form and put "stress" as the reason. Was this a good idea? I just don't want them to think the problem is my pg, when clearly the catalyst is work.....

Now I need to inform my employers , probably via email. How should I explain my signing off in more detail? Any advice much appreciated....

Just tell them the truth. Say that you've been overloaded with work and you simply cannot manage. If you've asked for help, point that out too as it makes the point that they were given the opportunity to prevent this happening... Good luck and you've definitely done the right thing!!

tell them you have been trying to do 3 jobs and can't manage it - it has made you have recurrent migrains and the GP has ordered you to rest.

Agree, cite stress. Ideally, say "we discused my workload, which is xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx, i.e. the work of 3 people, on x date and I additionally raised my concerns at x meeting but nothing has changed and so I consulted my GP" (if this is true, obv). They ought to cack themselves, fall over themselves to apologise and sort it out. Good for you, use the time to relax and recover.

Glad to hear you're going to get aome well-earned rest plumpbump. Don't worry about citing stress as the reason for being signed-off, I work in the public sector and would estimate that 25% of my 100+ colleagues have had time off with stress over the past year. Companies have to recognise the implications of rubbish management structures and do something about it, which they blatantly won't unless people like you are brave enough to tell the truth about how workload is affecting them.

Now, I really hope that you feel able to leave work worries at work and concentrate on getting well, sleeping, making what house arrangements you can without gettig overloaded, and most importantly...enjoying that ever-plumpening bump! Indulge in a bit of naughty eating, naughty shopping and lots of baby-daydreaming as an antidote to all tis pressure you've had. Take care x

Hiya,

Glad you are taking the the chance of the rest. Definately the right thing to do.

Do you need to explain yourself at all ? You can tell them it's "stress" and send them your sick line from the doc, but let them work out for themselves where it's come from. From what you have said it should be pretty obvious without you having to try and quantify exactly what's happening with you health.

You can discuss the particulars of your workload/health when you get back, when they've had a chance to see how they cope without you. They will also have needed to address someone else covering the work by then, so there will be a basis for re-distributing the load longer term.

You don't owe them any explanation, other than the medical facts, and don't add to your stress by worrying about how to put it across to them at this point.

Thank you, folks. I've sent them an email explaining I have been signed off for 2 weeks but without detail. Think they will need to know why I have got to this stage, so will construct an email or letter to send in with sick note. Based on previous experience, I think they'll will ignore it and plod on regardless!

I feel much better knowing I am away from it, better than I thought I would. I have checked my sick pay allocation and I am fine so that is a relief too.

You have all been really lovely and I think being impartial, you've given me the strength to do what I needed to do! xxx

Good for you girl!!
F### the job (sorry) but you and your babies health comes before anyone/thing else! Having just had mc, i have resigned from my job as my health and baby will come first next time around!! You do not get more thanks for what you are going through, put your feet up and relax!!
Hope all goes well...thinking of you!
Lynne x