How tired is too tired?

[BettyFriedansLoveChild]

I'm trying to gauge what a 'normal' of tiredness is when you're in your 30s with young children. I have a 2.5 year, I work four days per week in a new job that is fairly high pressure at the moment (I've had to pull a few late nights recently to keep things on track). Once five or six pm rolls round I am too tired to do anything; even stuff that is supposed to be pleasurable like a yoga class or seeing friends, or even just holding a conversation with DP is too much effort as I am just too knackered. I exercise regularly (cycle to work, about 8k each way), eat healthily, take iron supplements. Have also had a fairly tough year - lost a full term baby at birth six months ago, went back to work about a month later, started new and stressful job recently. Have a sense that all my friends (most of which have 2 small kids and full time jobs) are all knackered too. I'm just trying to work out whether I am more knackered than most, whether I should see a doctor (although not sure they would be much help), whether this is grief, just how I can get out of this really.

Sorry to hear about your recent loss. You also seem to have a hell of a lot on your plate. My kids are older now, but when my two were a similar age to your 2.5 yo, both DH and I were on our knees. It often felt like trudging through a dark tunnel with lack of sleep, full time work and Duracel bunny kids. It has got better as the boys have got older and are less needy (except for computer log-ins). I don't think it would hurt to see your GP though, just to check you over, take blood etc and make sure there isn't an underlying cause. Is there any chance you could be depressed following your recent bereavement?

Watching with interest. I'm too exhausted to talk when I get in from work too. The whole evening passes in an exhausted blur until I fall into bed.

One day dh was away. I remember carrying with exhaustion because I couldn't find dds swimming bag for the next morning, and was too tired to keep looking for it.

That should be crying not carrying

That's a lot of exercise for four days a week I think, 8k each way? I'd be knackered.

I am no expert,but you have been through something awful and you haven't given yourself time to grieve.your life sounds really busy too,but really it seems as if you should try to take some time off and just look after yourself.im sorry for your loss and I hope you feel better soon.

I agree with stampy. Talk lots and see friends and indulge yourself etc.

Thanks everyone - its useful to get some outside opinions. BigPaws and Stampy - yes, I'm inclined to agree with you. Trouble is, I'm on a fixed term contract - if i stop working a) I probably won't get offered work from this employer again, and b) I won't be earning any money. Really need to sit and have a hard think about money and the logistics of taking time off.

No need to not work, I think work is good for you, just have time for yourself too. It can be just using your time more mindfully.

Sorry for your loss, you've had a really painful year.

I remember when I miscarried several years ago (and it was only 12 weeks so much shorter term than you), I went back to work in a couple of weeks. I was so tired! Looking back I felt I hadn't recovered physically or emotionally from my loss & pushing my body & mind to work and normalcy so quickly had been a mistake. In your case 1 month was possibly too soon. You do need to give your mind, body & heart more recovery time. Cycling is definitely more than what you should be doing. Perhaps a 3 day week with some gentle exercise like swimming would suit you more.

Don't underestimate the grief you have faced & how much it would slow down your body's recovery from 9 months of being pregnant. Be kind to yourself.

??

As others have said, be kind to yourself, good food, early nights, simple pleasures, time to grieve and to reflect. It could take you anything up to 18 months to get a perspective on your loss. Give yourself the time you need.

If you're used to that much cycling, it shouldn't be an issue, but is there any way you can change your working arrangements in any way to give yourself a breathing space?

The trouble is, continuing with work precludes doing any of the 'nice' stuff like yoga, early nights etc. - there just aren't enough hours in the days. Its lecturing on a new course, I have to write the class materials and deliver lecturers to 300+ students every week, plus prep seminar materials etc. Normally I would find this kind of thing challenging but essentially enjoyable; at the moment I feel like its going to give me a nervous breakdown. I'm contracted to deliver the course, so I'm not sure if cutting down is an option. I'm thinking of talking to my line manager, but I don't want to be seen as a 'problem' - this is the kind of contract that you're supposed to 'prove yourself' on before being offered a more permanent role, and I don't want to ruin my chances of that.

Betty, I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound both exhausted and depressed. Have you talked to your GP recently? Would bereavement counselling be useful? Also, it is your line manager's job to support you. Presumably she knows about your very recent trauma so she should be actively looking for ways to support you if you need that. Which you do. Maybe admin assistance or working from home? Maybe workplace counselling..

Adding a small child into all you have listed does sound absolutely exhausting. Is DH supportive, or can you get help in the house, internet shopping, ironing?

And finally please do prioritise some of the good stuff above the hard work stuff. You can't do a good job of any of it if you are unwell.xxx