Should I ask alcoholic friend if she is drinking again?

[madwomanbackintheattic]

She's been sober for a few years after a lengthy period in a rehab centre and community support. Over the last 6 months her behaviour has been totally erratic and her mental health pretty bad, with frequent anxiety, panic attacks, outbursts etc, she's lost two jobs. A few times I have noticed, or a friend has mentioned an alcoholic type smell on her breath or in the vicinity. I am about 95% certain she is drinking, but am terrified in case in case I am wrong.

I can't decide if it's better to ask her, and have her know that I am concerned, or potentially trash her friendship. If I am wrong, I know it will tip her over the edge.

To complicate matters, we volunteer together with kids, and I know that if she is drinking, she will have to stop. I also know that if I'm wrong, she'll stop anyway. And if I'm right, and I don't do anything, and she melts down with the kids, I will be in deep shit for not doing something earlier. At the mo I am totally covering her arse as I know she can't be relied upon to do anything.

I've tried to suggest that she takes some time out for herself and concentrates on getting herself together (she acknowledges that she is in a bit of a mess and has started seeing a new counsellor who has experience with mid to long term recovery) but a few people have suggested that the volunteering is actually the one thing that is keeping her together (ie she needs the role more than the organisation needs her iykwim)

I am utterly conflicted. I want her to get well, and I don't want to cut off her route to self esteem, but I have a responsibility to the kids too. As an aside, she is never alone with them - and I make sure I am always there to keep an eye on what's happening, so they are not in any danger. She is just not reliable, and occasionally can't cope and has to remove herself. If I knew she was drinking for sure, I would pull the plug on it.

Any ideas?

mad you sound like a very nice friend. Tbh though your second sentence is reason enough to be worried about your friend volunteering with children at the moment. Regardless of the reason she isn't well.

Can you get hew alone for a coffee and gently suggest that you are concerned for her welfare in a more general sense? Maybe it's a mental health issue that needs addressing via her GP instead of or indeed as well as alcohol use. I can see that you don't want to scare her away but quite honestly she doesn't sound at all well and she does need support. If you open the conversation in a general way she might want to confide.

Who has arranged the counselling? That does indicate a level of self awareness that things aren't going well. Would she appreciate offering to accompany her to the GP? Does she have other family or friends?

Either way you do have a problem regarding the volunteering. Only you can call on that as we don't know the role or potential risks.

Good luck. You sound lovely. Softly, softly would be my strategy, I think.

She has arranged the counselling herself and is totally aware that she has been on a downhill slide. I'm meeting up with her tomorrow, so will see how it goes. She just told me she's going back to her AA group today, for the first time in a long while (I don't think she's been since the beginning of the year) so I'm really hopeful that this might mean she's ready to do something, or at least acknowledge that she needs that help too.

The kids are older (early teens) so not requiring hands on care - more supervision. She has a fairly kooky/ flaky personality, so they are used to her being fairly erratic... And she's managing to hide most of the panic attack stuff by fleeing and I take over. She talks a lot about being terrified of completely melting down though.