MIL has got bowel cancer.....and I have to tell DH HOW???

[Distel]

DH and his dad had a row on the phone the other day about his MIL health and he hasn't spoken to him since. I phoned FIL today to find out how she was and he told me that she has Bowel cancer. How the hell am I supposed to tell dh? She is blind and deaf so he can't speak to her about it.

Where do I start? Any help/advice would be really appreciated.

Distel i am so sorry I have no advice at all but couldn't not post

I think you just have to tell him gently. Just say that she's more ill than you had realised and he should really go and see her.

Distel I am so sorry to hear about your MIL
Would dh be ok hearing it from you?
If you think he is then, wait til the kids have gone to bed, grab a bottle of wine and sit him down, tell him calmly I guess.
Otherwise you may need to persuade FIL to ring or visit dp to tell him himself perhaps?
News like this should hopefully make any row pale into insignificance

I'm a bit confused. Dh's MIL is your mother? Or who are we talking about, his mother?

Think just say it and give him a big hug. Then I would listen. It's going to be a big shock.

Just sit him down - tell him you have something to tell him and it is very hard but you feel he deserves to know the truth and you respect him enough to tell him. Then tell him MIL has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. Then perhaps suggest that you both can do some research together and may be for MIL time to put row with FIL behind him for MIL's sake.

I know this seems very harsh adn matter of fact but having just sort of been through this with dh myself - his father was recently diagnosed and has since died from a form of cancer.... I was the one who had to tell dh his father had died...... very hard. ALthough the fact I could barely see to drive him home from work was probably a give away.

I know dh appreciated me just saying that FIL had passed away and the rest of the info I had to give him.

sorry for your family.

Distel
I do know that bowel cancer - if caught early - is one of the 'better' cancers to have. Sounds sick I know.

The thing is the whole argument was over dh making a fuss over her health. He offered to go and stay with them if they needed him to and FIL said he was always beeing so melodramatic and it turned into an argument. SO if dh rings again once I tell him (he should be fine with that, but we are supposed to be going to the bloody circus tonight) will it all just blow up again.

FIL said he would keep in touch and was sorry for shouting at him, but was quite adament he would phone us when there was any news.

The argument will blow over I just don't really know what to say to dh. I will have to just come out and say it I suppose .

Thanks everyone.

Oh Distel, what dreadful news.

I'm so sorry for you and your family

As your dh was actually quite right to be concerned, I'm sure he will just want to do anything he can to help. He could always just say he was also sorry to his Dad, and I'm sure neither of them would want it to blow up again in the circumstances.

I'm so sorry, Distel. I do understand how hard it is passing on news like that - I have had to tell my dh that his favourit aunt was dead, and that the one remaining aunt had breast cancer (both his parents are dead, so they mattered a lot). IME I would choose a quiet time when he has room to react exactly as he needs to, be that a lot or a little, and then just calmly give him the information exactly as you have heard it.

It does sound important to also pass on the message (spoken or implied) that your FIL needs a little space and would like to be in control of when to get in touch next. Thats not unusual when someone has had bad news/lots to cope with, even without a row. But I can imagine it would be hard for your DH not to get on the phone straight away - I know I would want to!

Wishing you and your family well, xxx

I had to tell my husband that his mother had terminal cancer. I just sat him down and told him all the facts as straight forward as possible. Then was ready with a big cuddle

Have you spoken to him Distel? How did he take it and how are you both feeling now?

Thanks for all the advice. I was going to tell him last night after we came back from the circus but his mum had sent him an e mmail, so I diddn't actually have to say the words.

He took it very well, she is very positive which I think he finds helpfull. She has a CT scan next week to see if it has spread and an appointment with the surgen in a couple of weeks to have the tumor removed.

Thanks again.