DH's ankles are swollen. Is this more than just a weight issue?

[StubbornHusband]

DH is overweight. It's not new, he has been for some time. He has tentatively addressed it. I have supported him, tried not to make a big deal about it as I don't want him to think it's an issue for us as a couple. It's not, but he is sensitive about it.

However, I am worried about it from a health perspective. I have tried being gentle, tried being a little more forceful over the years, reminding him we have young children, and I don't want him to become very poorly and the children certainly don't either.

He is starting to take better care of himself, he has quit smoking, he has joined the gym (ok, last year, used sporadically, but renewed last week to address his health properly now he has stopped smoking). He doesn't eat enough fruit, or drink enough water, although he is not a big drinker. He does have a couple of pints here and there, or a whisky in the evening, but nothing major and within the safe drinking guidelines for a man, sometimes almost none at all, sometimes higher toward the top of the guidelines, like many people.

He has had issues with apnoea for some time. Largely when he sleeps on his back, but more recently it has crept into more general sleeping, on his side (and he finds himself turning onto his back more and more). He simply refuses to listen to me and do anything about it now (of course losing weight is something he is working on slowly, but he needs to address the apnoea now).

Anyway, I noticed a few months ago that his ankles were swollen, like he had put on weight on his ankles, but thought it was odd as it's not somewhere he has weight gain normally (belly is the biggest culprit really, little around his face). I pointed it out, asked if he realised and if he knew what was causing it, he was a bit embarrassed and just said it was nothing, just on his feet too long (we were sitting out having a picnic at the time). They were not hot and swollen like they can be when standing on them too long, and his feet were not swollen, nor his legs just around the ankles, on both feet. He knows it's weight related but thinks it's not serious.

I noticed again they are swollen. Quite a lot. I did not mention it today as we have argued a bit about some other stuff and I don't want him thinking I am nagging him or not finding him attractive as I think he is going to take it that way.

So.

1. Is this a problem bigger than simply a bit of weight - i.e. could it be a problem with his heart, or cholesterol or put him at risk of a stroke i.e. more of a risk than before - i.e., is it potentially a symptom of something being seriously wrong right now? Does he need to see a GP, or does he just need to lose weight (ok, 'just' is flippant, I know it's not that easy).
2. How do I get him to address his health issues with a greater sense of urgency, get across to him that he is going to become unwell and put his life at risk?
3. How do I support him and encourage him to address the overall issue of his weight in the immediate and longer term without him taking it the wrong way (which he will) and think it's about aesthetics. He will take it, store it, and when we argue about something else (low sex life for example due to pain meds issues with me) he will say it's because he is fat and I don't fancy him. I need him to get this sorted, and I could not give a toss about his weight in terms of how he looks. I still fancy him, find him handsome, he has not suddenly become a different looking man, just carrying more weight (he was never skinny in the first place).

I have said he is going to the gym, but I don't think it's enough, especially as he still has the 'i'll do it tomorrow' attitude, the 'there's too much going on with DS doing half days' 'got stuff to do that can't wait'. But it doesn't stop him from eating more fruit, more water, less fat, less sugar, less crap right this second.

Oh goodness, he won't weight himself.

It's pretty much all around his stomach. his legs, shoulders, etc are not weight carrying areas, maybe a little but nothing significant, i.e. if his stomach was in proportion, I would unlikely think he would look/be particular overweight at all. Sometimes carries in his face/neck area, not much - he doesn't have a double chin etc, and when he loses a little, he loses it in his face first.

I am not entirely sure, if/when I lay it on the line with him, that he will speak to me any time soon, or, certainly not civilly. I already told him he needed to get the sleep apnea and the swollen legs sorted out now and he just responded by turning it around to be about me not having any compassion or understanding. I expect when I mention risk of falling asleep/heart attack/unwell at the wheel of the car, he will just tell me I am being dramatic, being ridiculous, picking a fight, with info based on what he will refer to as fuck all evidence.

It doesn't mean I won't have the conversation. I will, I know I need to. But, it's not going to be an easy, comfortable one.

are you married to a man or a teenager?
seriously he sounds immature. I don't know how you can bear being with someone who treats you like this. Sulking, angry, not speaking?

weight around the middle is the most dangerous of all.

Maybe if he won't listen to you, print off some info from the web and give it to him to read- google causes of swollen ankles/ legs and sleep apnoea.

Tell him if he won't go to the doctor, he needs to make sure his will is up to date.

(Your wills should be up to date even if you're in totally tip top health. Anyone could be run down by a bus or something tomorrow.)

Sorry to have to say this, OP, but you need to nag. Keep nagging. He'll get the message and make an appt in the end

In answer to your earlier question, an underactive thyroid might well make him ratty. Whatever is going on, it needs checking asap. Make him an appointment and go with him.

We don't have wills. Need to sort that. As you said, whether we are well or not.

pinkfrocks he is not like this with everything, and to be fair, he has not been sick too much for me to nag about the docs. It's only the sleep apnea, which admittedly is big enough on it's own, and now the ankles, and I guess he knows it's going to be fixed by hard work and time on his part, rather than a pill or some medicine.

I had a chat. I did it in a 'relaxed' environment. He was brushing his teeth, I was taking a shower! I said I didn't want him to think I was not compassionate, but I was worried. I said that I knew my health was good (apart from physical disability issues) but only because I had health problems which has meant I have had regular blood tests and blood pressure taken quite frequently. I said that he really needs to go get a thorough MOT, check everything out and make sure he is doing ok. If he is, great, all ticked till next year, and if there are things that need addressing, he can pick them up now not when they become huge. He accepted this, without burying his head in the sand. Agreed, that as we are growing older we are going to have things go wrong from time to time and need to keep on top of those things, that we have a responsibility to each other, and importantly to our children to stay as well as we can.

I also mentioned that I was worried that there was something wrong, because of his ankles swelling, and the risks of sleep apnea causing heart problems (which I mentioned to be him once before when I first spoke of his breathing problems at night). He said he reckons that he sleeps better than I think, and it's not troubling as much as I think. I disagreed and said I think it's affecting him more than he thinks, and that he may well be sleeping worse than I think as I only see if a few times a night. He says he is not sleepy in the day and does not feel overtired, as I approached the 'driving while tired' argument.

I suggested if he does not want to see his GP, then would he find out about, or I can for him, a well man clinic, if they still exist, to get a body MOT done and chat about issues in a less 'hello I am XX and 'this' is worrying me, what is wrong?' with the GP and more a 'so lets look at how things are for you over all, as a check, and work from there'. He agreed. But, lets see if he means it.

How old is he? When I turned 40, I got a letter from the GP to say that everyone between 40 & 70 gets offered a free health MOT (which I admit I haven't done, but I have had my BP tested recently anyway.) That would mostly be with the nurse rather than the doctor, so would he do that?

And while it may need time and hard work on his part, if it's something like BP or thyroid, then pills can help manage it so he's actually capable of spending the time and effort on it.

EB he is 41. He hasn't had a letter. But, he has had a letter saying he needs to update details as part of some check to make sure gp records are correct in terms of patients they hold and if he doesn't contact them by x date they will presume he no longer wishes to be registered and will remove him from their register. He has not responded to it.

He would be better going to my GP anyway. My Gp knows him! Well, insofar as I spend a lot of time there for my own health issues, and he takes the children for things if I can't make it. He took DD there last week and the GP asked him how I was!

He says he would go for an MOT. I talked about it in a more 'this is what we need to be doing as we grow older to keep ourselves well and healthy and manage problems as they arise' rather than make it a huge deal and he seemed to respond better to that. He of course has not made an appt for it, but perhaps if i make an appt for that, he is more likely to go if he thinks it's a check up rather than a problem to address. Then, if/when something crops up (they will probably discuss his weight with him i would think) he can go with it as the ball has been thrown already.

If he doesn't do something soon, I am going to start getting very cross. I don't want to watch him as his health suffers and he continues to refuse to address it. I love him and it's not nice watching him potentially become unwell and putting himself at risk.

And obviously he does give a shit about his health as he has given up smoking. That was his choice, no pressure from me (well, pressure from DD who chucked his tobacco away!) and he wells better for it, so he does care. It's not self destructive, it's a refusal to accept the implications of not addressing his weight over the years, or now.

Men are notorious for ignoring their health- until it's too late.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this and you know him best- maybe the softly softly approach will work better for him- but TBH he IS on self destruct because he's ignoring very serious symptoms. As posters have said, swollen ankles can be a sign of kidney disease or heart disease.
Heart disease could be a faulty valve, under-functioning chamber, blockage.
All of this could take a severe turn for the worse any day, and in the long term there could be permanent damage.

I'm sorry but his attitude is immature and irresponsible.