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My DM stinks. Is she lying about why?

62 replies

MilchMama · 22/08/2014 06:02

I've namechanged for this.

A bit of background to start off.

To all intents and purposes my DM and I have a good relationship. She left my step-father a few years ago for another man, which caused a bit of an upset in the family. Since she's been with OM, she has radically changed her personality - enjoys different things, acts and speaks differently, moved country, looks different. If that's what makes her happy, it doesn't matter a jot, although I suspect she has had long-term problems with loving herself and always trying to please the man in her life ... But that's a story for another time.

OM clearly favours the "natural" look in women. He writes things on Facebook about how women shouldn't shave their "bush", for example, so he's quite overt about his preferences. DM stopped dying her hair, stopped using shampoo and conditioner, and also stopped using deoderant. (He also doesn't use these things as far I know.)

At first, she was really proud of the fact she had freed herself from the "constraints of consumerism" and waxed lyrical about how much money she was saving by not buying into the beauty industry's marketing cons. Both DSis and I sort of laughed along, but pointed out that without deoderant, she was starting to smell a bit. She assured us she didn't, that only old sweat smells, and that as she showered twice a day and always changed her clothes (not we saw any evidence of this when we were around her), she did not smell. She had previously been fanatical about appearance, by the way.

Fast-forward a few years. The smell has got worse. So bad, in fact, that their whole house stinks when you walk in. The family all talk about it behind her back (not in a bitchy way though). She works in quite a professional setting, and I can't believe that her colleagues won't have noticed it.

I slept in a bed she had been in for two nights the other week (staying with family). Even though the sheets had been changed, the smell made me retch Sad One of my teenage cousins refuses to give up her room for them anymore because the smell is so hard to shift.

I spoke to an aunty of mine to ask whether or not I should tell her. She advised doing it very gently, and perhaps leading with a question about her health, so I didn't embarrass her too much.

The response I got was very weird, but maybe DM was just highly embarrassed. She told me that yes, she knew she had a problem, but that no one had ever mentioned it to her before. She said the menopause was causing her so many problems that she was in hospital for tests. I immediately felt awful for saying anything, and gave her a hug and said it wasn't that bad anyway. She asked me not to mention it again because she felt so dreadful.

So I haven't. But I've seen her once since, and the smell was definitely better. So my question is, does this happen in the menopause often? I know I was very sweaty during puberty, so I can quite imagine the hormones doing horrible things during menopause, too. What kind of tests could she have been having? Or is it more likely that she lied when I asked to save face? I can understand why she would have done, because I would be mortified, too, to be told I smelt. But if she is actually ill, I want to know.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 23/08/2014 21:45

I've not used bio washing powder since about the 90s. Before there was bio, there was non-bio and people were perfectly fragrant back in the day. We used own made gloop - non fragranced - for years [before discovering splosh] and again, didn't smell. I had a £50k job and still used home made gloop. And didn't smell! You don't have to be a 'lentil weaving hippy' to not want biological washing powder ruining on your clothes.

Shockers · 23/08/2014 22:37

Maybe for some people gingeroots. If DD only washed every few days, I'd have to move out. It might be down to her epilepsy meds + the fact that she is 15 and quite literally pouring with sweat and grease, but she needs to shower twice a day and wear fresh clothes daily. Clean clothes and a natural deodorant stops the pong in the short term, but my word she smells ripe if we don't keep on top of things!

gingeroots · 23/08/2014 22:38

I guess everyone is different Smile

OddFodd · 23/08/2014 22:44

hiddenhome - that's bullshit. I never use bio washing stuff because DS and I both have horribly sensitive skin and it gives us eczema. We don't smell. Truly. And our clothes are clean.

Bunbaker · 23/08/2014 23:40

I used non bio stuff for years because of DD's eczema. It never went away. when my washing machine started to smell I got some Ariel Bio and not only did my washer stop smelling, DD's eczema disappeared. I think mould must have developed in the washer and the spores from that were causing the eczema. I still use Ariel for sheets and towels and DD's eczema has stayed away.

MilchMama · 24/08/2014 05:50

OP here. Real life got in the way yesterday; I never expected so many replies!

I will check out sage remedies, thank you, Shotgun.

It really is just the stereotypical BO-type smell. No incontinence issues that I can smell.

He smells pretty disgusting, too, but not as much as DM.

FWIW DM always used non-bio when we were growing up, and I have dreadful ezcema. Since I've moved out ten years ago, I have gone through phases of using both bio and non-bio. Ezcema still dreadful but only on my hands now.

I'm still going to give her a parcel of smellies as a belated birthday present. I hope she won't be too offended, but I do hope it will hammer home that something needs to be done! I'd love to have an open and honest conversation with her about it, but I imagine that will be too much to hope for. I love her very much, and I just don't want people to steer clear of her because she's very a bit whiffy.

OP posts:
ethelb · 24/08/2014 07:38

Just a quick word about people with eczema using nonbiological powder/laundry liquid. The advice from my GP and hospital derm team was that non-bio can be worse than bio as it has even more potentially skin aggravating chemicals to make up for the lack of enzyme. They advised me to go SLS/detergent free and I now use soap flakes or use the laundry glop mentioned above if I can be arsed making it.

People with eczema may need to try a few different things before they find the holy grail!

Justgotosleepnow · 24/08/2014 07:54

For people not believing the op that people can smell- you are wrong. Even if you shower every day and use an Eco deodorant you can smell- dirty clothes.
I saw a friend I hadn't seen in ages and I'm sad to say she stank. All her clothes needed a proper (ie hot & Daz) wash. I didn't say anything.

I use method Eco brand at 30 degrees for clothes but our washing machine is smelling of mould. Done a few washes at 90. But sadly I need to use Daz at 40 or 60 more often to keep it working well.

You have my sympathies op

Bunbaker · 24/08/2014 08:05

That's interesting ethelb. Perhaps that was the reason DD's eczema wouldn't go.

vikingnc · 24/08/2014 08:07

A few years back if tried using rock mineral deo- it really didn't work for me ( don't usually have a bo problem) Even showering twice a day, changing clothes etc, I felt really smelly and I couldn't wash the smell out of my clothes. After about 6 months I gave up and went back to normal antiperspirant, because I realised I always stepped really far back from people, because I could smell my own whiff. To me bio does make a difference, so do hotter washes. (I guess everyone's sweat is different). Also powder works so much better than gels. ( I never use conditioner). I had to bin most of my tops from my mineral deo days. One that I really love, I have kept. And every now and again I try something new to try to get the smell out and sometimes It seems like it's worked, but if I put it on it will smell again after about 30 mins wear. I guess the body heat brings out the smell and that in some fabrics the whiff can really linger.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/08/2014 13:08

Ginger-it is possible for SOME people, my Dh for example would be fine,I would be I've of those people you recoil back from if I did that!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/08/2014 13:08

One not I've! Stupid phone

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