Advice needed: DD's father has just been told he has bladder cancer

[Ginandcolic]

Hello,

A bit of background: H and I have been separated for about a year but we have stayed in close touch so he can see DD (2yo) as much as possible. We hadn't started divorce proceedings as we had a lot to sort out and wanted to wait until we were both in a place mentally / emotionally to deal with that. He also had a drinking problem and we both felt it would be better to let him deal with that before adding to the stress by divorcing. He has now really sorted himself out and is doing v well at staying off the booze.

We were both FINALLY in a place where we were about to start official divorce proceedings and making arrangements to sell the house etc when he went for a scan because of blood in his urine and was told it was a "growth" in his bladder.

We have just found out it is a "single, small Transitional Cell Carcinoma;" he is booked in for a CT and a TURBT so we don't yet know how advanced / invasive / aggressive it is.

He is 40 which is very young for bladder cancer but has been a heavy smoker since he was 15. He does not smoke in the house or around DD. As I understand it, smoking is a major risk factor for bladder cancer and its recurrence.

Since he found out, he has totally ditched the fags.

Sorry for the ramblings but I need some advice on my thoughts so far and it is all relevant (promise). I want to suggest that we put the divorce on ice and that he move back into the house, at least for the short term, because:

a) it will be less stressful for him

b) while there are plenty of other people (friends and family) who could take care of him, they all smoke and will continue to smoke around him because most of them are fuckwits (a large part of why we split up). When he told some of them, their response was to offer him another fag and say "well you already have cancer, so it can't hurt" ... clearly missing the point about recovery, prognosis etc etc

c) I think spending time with DD will really help give him something positive to fight for and help him stay off the fags

d) I think he will make a better recovery after whatever treatment he needs if he is in a family environment than if he is with his fuckwit friends (or equally idiotic relatives)

NB He would be staying in the spare room so he could see as much or as little of us as he wants, he would have a quiet, comfortable place to recover and I can help out with meals etc.

The obvious issue is that it feels like a retrograde step emotionally for me. However, I think I would feel terrible knowing what he is going through and not doing everything I can to help. Does that sound stupid?

One of my friends was really about it but he is DD's father and although we are crap together as a couple, I still care about him as a person and I want him to be OK so he is in DD's life for as long as possible. She's only 2

Anyway, I guess what I'm asking for is:

1. Any advice on bladder cancer and other people's experiences
2. Honest (but not mean pls) opinions on whether my plan sounds OK or really shit

Thanks for reading x

I think your plan sounds kind

As far as I can tell he didn't treat you badly? It just didn't work out?

So you have no reason to be bitter?

I think it sounds lovely and is a great thing for you to be doing

I think your plan is kind, and supportive i really hope your ex appreciates what you are prepared to compromise.

Thanks for your replies!

Mumof3 tbh he wasn't great to me when he was drunk but I asked him to leave before it got really nasty and he did.

And then sorted himself out. So I was pretty pissed off but not bitter and seeing how much effort he has made to sort himself out so he can see DD (I said I wouldn't let him see her if he was drunk or hungover and he has never been either when he has come over), I think he really did have an illness rather than being a bad person.

So while there is too much water under the bridge for us as a couple, I think he's fundamentally a good person. If that makes sense...

HerRoyal thank you, I was worried I was losing the plot after my friend's reaction!

frames thank you. I know he would appreciate it and he hasn't suggested it so he's not being entitled or anything x

Tricky one. You are being very kind but you did split up for very good reasons. Could you perhaps invite him to stay for a couple of weeks initially to help him through his operation?

Would the friend that you dislike be an issue with coming over and trying to give him booze and fags and create difficulties between you?

Also, he will be feeling very vulnerable and might well start to feel love for you again and expect your relationship to rekindle, even if you are clear about this not happening. If this happened it would be another loss/ trauma for both of you to deal with.

Think I'd start with just offering a couple of weeks and treading very cautiously. Good luck, you sound lovely. Hope the surgery is successful and he is soon back to full health.

I can't help with 2, but my dad has bladder cancer, so I have experience with that.

He was diagnosed in 2002. The cancer is not curable but can be kept under control. He has check ups a couple of times a year. Any small growths are removed under GA, via a catheter. He is then treated with a bladder wash. The wash is related to tuberculosis and he has to be very careful with splashes using the loo afterwards. Basically somehow putting TB into the bladder triggers an immune response which causes the body to attack the cancer cells itself (very basic explanation). This has kept it under control for the past 12 years.

My dad was also a smoker. He was 53 when diagnosed.

This is quite close to home. I've looked after someone during chemo and surgery etc, and have an ex who is currently under investigation for possible cancer.

If you offer to have him back in the house you must be open about the details.

How long for? (Weeks? Months? Whatever it takes?)
Will you be taking him to and from appointments?
Will you be doing his coming and cleaning?
Can his fiends and family drop by unannounced?
Will you take time off work when he needs someone to help feed / wash / dress him during the day?

I can understand why you'd want to offer but I don't think it's a great idea.

Also think about the impact on a child-
Seeing a parent at their most ill
Wondering is daddy is here to stay after all

Will you be doing his cooking and cleaning?
Wondering if daddy is here to stay

Mathilda I think I would have to say that a condition of him staying would be that none of his idiot friends were allowed over. When we were together, they didn't come over much anyway as I didn't let them smoke / drink / behave like prats in the house. He does have some nice friends who could visit (although none can help take care of him as they don't have spare rooms).

I think setting a time limit is a good idea, thank you. I will find out more about how long he will need to spend recovering and when he will know more about the long term prognosis. With any luck, he will just need one op and then regular check ups so the worst could be over in a few weeks.

We haven't had much detail from the Drs other than the tumour is small and that it's a good sign that there is only one. The Dr doing the scan said "it doesn't look like an aggressive tumour but we won't know for sure until we biopsy it" so I am hoping that is a good sign too as presumably he wouldn't have said that if he thought it was likely to be more sinister. Although maybe he was just trying to be positive.

euro sorry to hear your dad has it too. The Dr has mentioned doing a chemo wash but said it might not be needed. I think once they get in and look around properly, they will have a better idea of whether they will need to do it and which chemo option they will go for.

Interesting about the TB thing though ... I didn't know that.

I am just praying the CT scan shows it hasn't spread. The ultrasound and abdominal x-ray suggested that his kidneys and various tubes were clear ... but I guess we won't know for sure until next week.

Thanks again for your responses

x

You sound very kind and concerned. Does he live close by? Would it be possible for you to help him out in his own home, rather than move back in with you? I don't think I'd want an ex who I'm yet to get divorced from moving back in as I think it sends the wrong message to everyone (i.e. that there's a chance you will get back together). However, if between the two of you things are clear and unambiguous and its just until he gets back on his feet it could work. Do you think he'd say yes?

mipmop I will be doing the cooking, he can contribute to more hours from our cleaner if necessary.

It's a good point about how we talk to DD about whether he is staying for good or not. She has been totally fine with him not living here but seeing her lots so I am hoping it won't be too much of a disruption.

In terms of him being ill, the procedures that are planned so far are not that debilitating so it won't be like having full on intravenous chemo. Depending on how invasive the cancer is, he will need to rest and take it easy after the op so no picking DD up or taking her out but he can read and draw with her etc.

However, if it does come to full on chemo (ie if it has spread), then you make a good point, I will need to discuss that with him and look out for DD.

x

Juneau I think he would say yes as he hasn't been able to sort out a proper place of his own yet because DD and I are still in the family house. Until we sell and split assets, he won't have enough deposit to buy anywhere.

He has been staying with friends nearby so he can see DD and the rent isn't too much (ie cheaper than getting a place on his own), but, as I said, I don't think they are right people for him to be around right now.

Although, he may say no ... I don't know. I just need to work out whether I really can be OK with it all before I offer so I don't mess him around or end up in a situation which is unworkable for me or DD.

Survival rates for bladder cancer can be good, a family member had it and did very well indeed afterwards.

I think your plan sounds good as long as you both keep the communication open.

Good luck with everything.

By "doing his cooking" I meant preparing whatever he fancies, whenever he fancies it / popping to the shops because he fancies something in particular right now etc.

If he doesn't have a home of his own, it seems even more important to be clear about timescales. Does contact usually happen at your house then?

I can understand the urge to step in and make it all better.

Thanks Ivy I am glad your family member is doing well, that's good to hear.

Mipmop contact with DD mostly starts at our home. When we first split up, it was just at our home and I was always there. Then, when it became clear he had knocked the boozing on the head, he started taking her out to playgroups, the playground, just out for breakfast / lunch etc.

You make a good point about being high maintenance; I think I will definitely have to discuss that with him. My first thought is that, until he is ok to move around properly and he is OK to pick DD up then he can't look after her on her own so I can't be running off to the shops. What I can do is sort out having enough things in the house so that he doesn't have to worry about that. I'm also thinking I could put the tiny fridge I was about to get rid of in the spare room so he can have immediate supplies up there with him.

Lots to think about. Thank you all for your thoughts

X

You sound very kind. Hope you manage to work something out.

Your plan sounds like a kind and human one. My dad has bladder cancer too...and was a smoker. He is on a constant 3 week on, 6 months off treatment. It's not chemo but a newish live vaccine as mentioned up thread. It involves a bladder wash and then careful using loo for 12 hours. Then every 6 months a biopsy to check for cancer cells. As treatments go it's okay. But I'm fairly certain it's never going to stop so depending on your ex h treatment you need to consider that.

Its very hard emotionally living with someone going through that treatment. My dh is going through chemo himself. Its obviously very hard for him, but its taking its toll on everyone. Having said that, I would certainly do what you are suggesting if I were in your position, without a doubt. But it will turn your lives upside down.