Husband Drunks too much but I stay for sake of my son

[Shelly122]

Hi
My DH drinks a bott of wine every night, thats bad enough, but a few months back I found a half empty bottle of wine hidden in the garden. This wasnt a one off, has continued so he's basically hiding that, so that I don't realise how much he's really having.
I am so fed up and feel v trapped. We have an 8 year old son who is adorable but who now is noticing the drink. He keeps mentioning it to me, together with is Daddy's smoking. He really doesn't approve of it and it's breaking my heart to have to listen to him wondering why his Daddy drinks like he does. (Sorry, this is a long story... Thanks for bearing with me.)
My DH has always " liked a drink" but never realised just how much.
Every evening he goes to the shop to buy his wine and when he gets back, our son now asks if he's bought more wine and it's just awful to watch.
I have challenged him on this and although he agrees it's far too much, he will not admit he has a problem.
I know he's under a lit of pressure with money and work, he is a self employed builder, just a v small one man band but over thd last few years it has been so duffucult and he has admitted that he drinks in the evenings to help him sleep and to stop worrying. I've suggested he sees the doctor who could help by perhaps giving him auld sleeping pill (cheaper than wine) or perhaps would help him with his smoking and drinking but he just won't go.
I've spoken to his Mum, who was no help whatsoever as she cannot and will not accept any kind of negative comment about her darling son. So no support there.
In addition to all the above, my DH has a snoring problem, so needless to say, his snoring is unbelievable when he drinks. As that's now every night, we now don't sleep in the same bed.
I'm sorry if I sound laid back, I really am not but it's been going on for years now and I think I'm beyond angry.
In addition to all the above, he always falls asleep downstairs every night. So now I'm in the habit of waking up around 2am to go down, turn out all the lights, TV, lock up ( god knows what would happen if we got an intruder) and throw his remaining wine away as it could get knocked over, so another wind up for me.
While this has all been going on, my Mum god rest her soul was suffering from cancer. My sister, Dad and I helped nurse her through everything but it's just been the worse thing I've ever gone through. For the last year of mums life I was half living with them. It was awful to see her suffer so much and to know we were gradually losing her. I still feel mortified by it all but sadly my DH never asks how I am or even puts his arm around me. In fact even the night my mum passed away,in may 2013, he let me go up to bed alone, as he sat there like every other night, TV on, chilled glass of wine next to him. I was quietly devastated. I dongbthink I've really gog jvet that either. Although we speak about day to day stuff, there is now no bond between us, apart from our son, who is such a good boy and just loves us both tremendously. Our son actually sleeps in the bed with me now.
I have been on Citalipram now for about 6 mths and I am a lot calmer in myself. I also think I went through so much with my mum that I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I have no more energy to argue with my DH. We used to row a lot about his drinking, but once my mum was diagnosed (by the way, while my mum was ill, my Dad also got diagnosed with bowel cancer, which was another big blow but luckily, after chaemo and radiotherapy he pulled through but it was another massive shock) it put things into perspective massively and I just didn't have the time to spend on him and his "habits ". That's still the case I'm afraid, as I just have no more to give. Other things have happened along the way.... His business went downhill and we had £2,000 in the bank which people gave us for our wedding present (we decided to get married, when both my parents were diagnosed as I wanted them both there on our special day). We kept thd money in a joint account, for buying things for thd home. Ond dag I went up thd bank to draw money out for a special item I'd seen and I was go smacked to see that all thd money had gone. DH had taken it all to pay a debt to a supplier. Without even telling me. When I challenged him on it, he apologised and said he didn't want to bother me with it and had hoped to replace it without me ever knowing(??!) needless to say it has never been replaced. Overvthe ladt tear ir so, whilst trying to deal with my mums death, I hzve had Customs & Excise, bailiffs etc knocking at my door, he constantly plays thjngs down, so as not to worry me but just recently everything was confirmed that I had been suspecting, he's now gone bankrupt. I would be v supportive normally in this situation but because if how he is towards me and his selfish habits, I just cannot bring myself to show any sympathy.
Once again I'm so sorry to waffle on but I am in such z difficult situation. I'm sure people will come back saying "kick him out" etc but I am frightened that A) my son will be devastated and B) we wont be able to cope financially because I want to stay in our house and keep our son as settled as poss.
My husband is a v good provider when he has the money, but even so, he can say v hurtful things if he's been drinking if I challenge him. He has never been violent and I know he never would be. Just basically refuses to change his ways.
All in all, after losing my Mum, I now look at things differently.... Basically you only havd one life and I want to make my sons life the best it can be. I cant bear him being exposed to the drink etc. I also feel I've put all I can into my marriage, I'm sure I deserve better. Thank you in advance for reading.

Honestly? Your son will be more devastated by living with an alcoholic than he would be by your splitting up. You'll be able to build a much better life for him while not enabling your husband to continue this way.

You can't change an alcoholic. You can only change how you react and what you put up with.

I'm sure there will be people along soon who can give you much better advice, but there's a group called Al-Anon which supports families. Maybe you could contact them?

Staying within this if you choose to for your son's sake (and you cannot burden your child with such a decision that you yourself have made) is going to backfire on you bigtime in years to come. Your son is far more perceptive and has seen and heard more than you care to realise. You run the risk now of your son asking you when adult why you as his mother put his drunk dad before him and ruined his own childhood as a result.

Like many alcoholics as well your H is in deep denial over his drinking and everything else in his life. He is lurching from one crisis to the next, you're now on anti depressants and your son is suffering as a result of seeing all this happening in front of his eyes.

How can your H be at all a good provider given his alcohol issues at all let alone the fact that the 2K that people had given you as a wedding present ended up being given to a supplier to pay off his debt?. He's also now declaring bankruptcy. You are kidding yourself hugely here and that is doing your own self a huge disservice as well as your son. Your H has well is refusing to change his ways, he has already told you as much so you need to listen to what he is saying.

Your H is an alcoholic; you cannot afford to bring up your son within such a dysfunctional environment anymore. It will not do him any favours to see his dad being a drunkard. FWIW I do not think your son will be so much devastated as relieved that he does not have to see his drunk dad on a daily basis anymore along with your reactions to same.

Your house is not a home, a fresh start for you and your son is what is needed. Without this man and his supportive mother (did you expect her to say anything helpful?).

I'm really sorry for you and your DH, but previous poster is right. Your H is pretty far along the alcoholism scale and the only person who can address it is him.

If he's gone bankrupt and you're married, I'm afraid you may be looking at losing the house anyway.

I'm sorry, but I think you should leave. Staying with an alcoholic for the sake of the children is not a good plan.

Honestly the best things you could do here is to speak to Al-anon(to get support for your own self) and to seek proper legal advice as to where you stand re the house and the finances with a view to divorcing your H. Take some power back for yourself, knowledge is power.

You should never stay with anyone for the sake of a child - and this is not a good role model for him is it? An alcoholic father who treats you appallingly.

He doesn't sound like a good provider at all - sorry. And maybe you will have to find another home - but you won't be living in this awful way any more.

Hi Shelly122,

We can see you're receiving some helpful advice here, but if you'd like us to move your thread to our Relationships topic for more support, please drop us a line.

Get immediate legal advice about the house if it is owned in joint names. If bankruptcy is threatened you must protect yourself.

It sounds unlikely but would you DH go to couples counselling with you? Does he actually know how close he is to losing you?

Sorry for the loss of your mum. You have had an horrendously stressful time. I'm glad you are feeling better with the ads. Time to look after yourself and your ds. Your DH is not a bad man but he's also not currently being a good husband or dad.

Dear OP, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, and having gone through such a stressful time with your parents - so sorry for your loss.

I have been where you are - albeit 40 years ago, with my first husband. I had a small daughter who was just a toddler at the time. I can well remember all the hidden bottles, the bank letters unopened, the comatose sleeping on the sofa, the smell of alcohol sweated out of his body at night. He too, frittered all our money on booze, was made 'redundant' because of the drinking and spent all his redundancy money on more booze. He even attended an alcoholics clinic for 6 months until they washed their hands of him because he was hopeless case. Eventually, he walked out one weekend, and I vowed he'd never return. He tried, but I never let him move back in, and with help from the benefits system at that time, managed to stay in my house and keep body and soul together.

You have to remember the three C's -

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You won't cure it

He is probably drinking far more than you know - and no doubt is driving under the influence too, that's not good, is it? He hasn't admitted he has a problem, and probably won't - mine never did, in spite of all the talks and rows we had. He drifted around for years after, and eventually died of throat cancer at the age of 55. Oh, and his mother thought the sun shone out of his backside, until he went to stay with her and trashed her house.

Attila has given a very succinct reply, to which I cannot add more, but believe me, your son will be far better off without this man in his life, and you won't have to walk on eggshells when your H is around - you WILL survive, and you DO deserve better, but it won't be with him.

Gather your courage, find out what you would be entitled to, and do contact Al-anon - they can e most helpful.

OP I hope you are ok and were able to begin to sort out your life.
I was drawn to your post as a friend of mine has the same problem with her db and worries about him. He drinks a bottle a night and some nights it's a bottle and a half. He is divorced - I'm not sure if it is due to his drinking. Like you, his mother is an enabler.