What do I say to my friend?

[CrockedPot]

My oldest friends dh phoned me tonight to tell me that she has cancer. I spoke to her after he told me the news and she sounded ok, under the circumstances, fairly positive, though she has always been a worrier, so you can imagine what this means to her. I know this isn't about me, but I kept it together on the phone, and hope I was upbeat and encouraging - early diagnosis, she is otherwise fit and healthy etc, but I admit that when I put the phone down, I broke down. I am going to see her tomorrow. What do I say? She is late thirties, two young dd's. It is heart breaking.

Being there for her is worth more than words.
Just let her know she can talk to you, cry, rant, sit in silence, get pissed, that you're there for that, through all this unfairness, just being there will be hugely important for her.

Thanks west. I can't talk to anyone in RL yet, I feel so helpless and so shocked by the news,

I think you should remain upbeat, as you were today, but encourage her to talk. And if your friend breaks down, let her cry and tell you her darkest fears. Reassure and say you will do all you can to help and support, for example looking after her dd's. is that possible? You sound a lovely friend. What sort of cancer is it? What treatment will she have?

You have us for hand holding now, but need someone in RL as well. Being supportive of someone in your friends position is bloody hard work sometimes and you need someone who has your back too x

It's breast cancer. She only had the diagnosis yesterday, and has told her parents and sister. Her dh told me today but no one else knows yet.
I have never been in this situation and want to support her in every way I can, my dh was really shaken by the news as he lost his mum to cancer aged 8, and it really knocked him sideways.
Thank you so much for your support.
I will know more after seeing her tomorrow.

Give her a huge hug. It'll do you both good. Then just sit and listen. Come home and hug the ones you love.
You sound like a lovely friend x

Very sorry to hear your news, CrockedPot. I still remember vividly hearing that my step-father had been diagnosed with cancer. It was a shocking moment in my life.

Like many cancer sufferers, he is still with us. His tumour is in remission and he is fit and well. This may not always be the case but he is being carefully monitored and we can only watch and wait.

A friend of mine was diagnosed only weeks after her wedding. She also is fit and well and still with us. I think she recommended a book called 'How to Talk to Someone with Cancer' but the first thing I found with that name is this excerpt from a pamphlet from Macmillan.

Friends will feel helpless. One thing my friend did was set up an Amazon wishlist so that wellwishers could get her something to help her get through chemo - a great box set or some essential oils, but knowing that whatever they chose was something she really wanted. Your friend will need practical support as well.

My step-dad breezed through chemo, by the way. Apparently the fitter you are before you start, the easier it is to get through. (No idea if this is true but he also had open heart surgery as part of his treatment and that seemed to go okay as well). Everyone is different but you mustn't give up hope. She needs to be able to talk about her fears, and so do you, but do remain hopeful.

x-posted with you. Some stats on breast cancer (I would suggest this isn't something to share with your friend yet). Overall her odds are good.

Just be consistently there. Don't back away because you can't find the right words. Let her talk if she wants to and if she doesn't then just be there to chat as you normally would.
Your presence and support are enough.

Thanks so much for your advice. Tribpot, will have a read of that link and love the idea of a wish list.
I woke up thinking about her this morning. Just can't quite believe it.
Thanks again for all of your positivity and kindness xxx

I've had cancer, though not breast cancer. I'd say that what you want is for people not to ignore you (some people can't handle it and avoid you), which you're not doing, and for people to treat you as normally as possible. Being ill is weird, it makes you the centre of people's attention when you don't always want to be, you just want things to go on as normal as much as possible. You don't want to be pitied, you just want normality when you're feeling well and to know people are there for those times when normality isn't possible. Just be yourself and above all listen to her if she wants to talk. Treat her like you've always treated her, with love and compassion and you'll be fine. You sound like a great friend.

I have breast cancer too and agree with one ways post, carry on as normal and try and talk about and do things that are not all about cancer when you can. It is horrible knowing that everyone is talking abut you and feeling sorry for you.

OP, I found myself I a very similar situation to you a few years ago when a close friend was diagnosed with cancer. Things I wish I'd known then:

1. Prepare yourself for the long haul. It's almost 'easy' to be there for the first chemo, the first cry, the first trip to a clinic, but not so easy months or even years down the line. So give yourself time to keep healthy and your own home life ticking along as well: stamina and consistency will be important.
2. Expect the unexpected: sometimes your friend will be better than you all could hope, and other days not good at all. There will also be some really good times amidst the worry and fear. It took me a long time to learn to just roll with it.
3. Always give your friend a chance to talk about the dark stuff, but equally, as others have said, don't treat her as a 'sick person': she will be more than glad to have distracting chat as well.

I hope this is some help. Do be good to yourself in all this; your friend needs you to be strong and you can only do that by looking after yourself first. Good luck OP.