My Mum Is In Denial About Her Incontinence - Advice Needed

[colette]

My mum is housebound as she has severe rheumatoid arthritis . She lives 400 miles away so I do not see her as often as I would like to.
She is really frightened of going into an old peoples home (understandably so )but won't accept much help ie. carers to help with personal hygiene etc. She is incontinent and even though my db, ds and aunt have discussed it she appears to be in denial and to be blunt the carpets in her house are constantly damp and the smell is unbelievable . When I think how ds's bottom could be if he was left in a wet nappy too long I realise that she must have chaffed skin/ open sores as well. My db and ds have bought her sanitary wear and either she does not use it or it is insufficient.
I am now at the point that I think the only way we can help her is to get some "outside assistance" if she realises the only way she can stay independant is to open up about this. She cannot wash herself or her hair and not want my sister to do it either
We have been trying to help her with this for the past 2 years and it has got worse tbh my ds would not go near her . It is very sad . My mum is a very secretive person and does not open up, tends to just talk about impersonal things etc..

does she have a GP that she trusts?

Thanks for answering flack

She should have regular blood tests etc. but is putting them off. Tbh she does not always tell me the whole story and is trying to avoid health proffesionals I think .
I do not think her gp would talk to me without her permission and tbh I don't think she would give it as she likes to have complete control( pardon the pun)

what about speaking to the gp and getting the district nurses or HCA's in to wash and dress her. They will be able to provide pads/nappies and can order a comode if that would help.

Good luck, I too have a parent who is in denial with a medical problem and I know that you feel like you are banging your head against a wall, its very difficult so I really feel for you

collette her gp should talk to you about this, but he will not reveal any personal medical information to you HTH

colette I am sorry to hear this and it must be so hard being so far away.

I definitely think you or your sister or both together, need to be blunt with your mum about this, because as you say her physical condition will decline fast if she is getting sores and things. It may be time to have the 'go into a home or accept carers at home' conversation, my mum and her siblings had to do this with my grandad and it was hard, BUT he accepted carers as his greatest worry was leaving home. He had them in 3 times a day by the end of his life and they did all his personal care. He was an extremely proud man also secretive like your mum, and paranoid to boot (I can laugh now at his supposedly 'whispered' comments to us about his carers who were standing RIGHT THERE, with him telling us how they had been pinching things from him etc etc)

However it worked well and kept him at home....I think it's the initial idea of the embarrassment but the carers are so well used to it and no-nonsense about it (and so QUICK!) that it is easier than it seems at first I think.

Best of luck with it all x

ooh, yes my grandad had the district nurse too. Basically I think your port of call is the GP who may well instigate an assessment by a SW who can then call in the right amount of care.

SW = social worker. sorry.

Oh your poor mum. I guess she's massively embarrassed and upset, isn't she and just doesn't want to face that her body is failing her like this. It must be awful for her to have to face that she needs help in such an intimate areas, especially if she is not a person who likes to keep herself to herself anyway. Horrid for you guys too. Can you ring adult social services or Age Concern in her area and ask for their advice? It sounds like she might need some very sympathetic, gentle help to sort this out emotionally and start accepting some help. It might come better from "outsiders" than family- sometimes people really don't want their children to be the ones to either hear about their frailties or to provide personal care because it does bad things for their sense of place in the family and consequent self-esteem. She also may be more inlined to believe a social care worker if they point out that she really needs services than she would be to listen to you guys. Lots of older people have their kids pegged as over protective worriers! Hope you find solution.

sorry- IS a person eho likes to keep herself to herself

thanks for your replies. I think I will try and get to speak to her gp first.. Mosschops30 I think she has been offered a lot of help and knocks it back because "she does not like them coming at all different times" She thinks they should be able to giver her an exact time aaagghhh

sparklemagic your grandad sounds a great character. Maybe I can get my dsis and db to visit together and try again . My mum can be and always was extemely awkward (sp) at times. Srummymummy you have really hit the nail on the head - she will not talk to us about it - I will try age concern. She is very paranoid and will conduct a witch hunt if she thinks a SW is contacting her. But we need some help on this and things are getting worse and I can't leave her living like this. Thanks everyone better get dressed now