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Original poster

PND seems to be returning now I'm 4.5mths pregnant! Advice and Reassurance Please?

21 replies

M2T · 09/03/2004 15:47

I have not felt the grip of PND for quite some months now.... perhaps nearer a whole year. I've felt remarkable in control. I haven't ended up a hysterical heap on the floor, I haven't cried (sobbed) until I have a headache and wake up the next day feeling drained and with puffy eyes. I have looked at every problem that's come my way with a degree of logic and resolve. And I have thoroughly enjoyed my ds.

.... Until the last 2 days. I have felt isolated, lonely, scared, and angry. I have cried hysterically about things that haven't made me cry for a year or so. I woke up this morning with that same dreaded feeling of my eyes being puffy and stinging, and with the memory of me crying hysterically at DH coz he wouldn't 'listen' to me trying to tell him how I feel and how much I need his support. He was looking at me with dread .....and I just thought Oh GOD NO.... NOT AGAIN. Whats wrong with me?
Could it just be my hormones? It really did bring all those feelings of fear and depression back to me. I can't go through that again.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 09/03/2004 15:53

Poor love ((())) I had lots of days like this when pregnant and didn't have depression or PND. I hope for your sake that it's just the hormones.

Original poster
M2T · 09/03/2004 15:57

I hope so CD. I really want to feel normal this time around.
It was the memories of the bad times that I've tried to block out that came flooding over me again. Like a big black sheet stopping you feeling like a normal human being.

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dinosaur · 09/03/2004 16:01

M2T - just to let you know you're not alone - did you see my miserable posts on Saturday night on Twiglett's "Down..." thread?

She included a link to Rhubarb's site which you might find useful.

secur · 09/03/2004 16:02

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Original poster
M2T · 09/03/2004 16:04

Thanks Dino, I didn't see that. I have been so proud of myself the past few months and have been really looking forward to having what I count as a 2nd chance at being a happy Mum to a baby. It took just 2 'incidents' over the past 2 days to shatter my illusions. I am now dreading the same pattern of events happening again to me.

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Original poster
M2T · 09/03/2004 16:07

Thanks Secur. DH just got really (rrrrrreally!) angry with me last night. He said he couldn't believe I was doing this to him again. And that he couldn't handle me. So not only do I have the fear that I'm going back to "that place", as you so rightly put it, but I also have to realisation that DH is just not able to emotionally support me if the worst happens again.

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secur · 09/03/2004 16:18

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Original poster
M2T · 09/03/2004 16:21

You're right Secur - I just hope I can keep in control when I get home at night.

I used to take Sepia to help. Don't know why it worked, but it did and I felt like it was my extra crutch when I felt myself sinking again. But I can't take it when I'm pregnant.

Are there any natural remedies you can take during pregnancy? St Johns Wort?? It would perhaps give me that extra psychological boost I need to keep on top of things.

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secur · 09/03/2004 16:28

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miranda2 · 09/03/2004 16:29

when the health visitor came for my ds's 2 year check i suddenly burst into tears on her about the very thought of having another baby and getting PND again. She said that if i was really worried to go to the GP when i conceived and discuss it - there were various options, from close monitoring to being put on pre-emptive antidepressants at about 35 weeks (an option i find quite tempting as it would relieve the worry...). Might be worth going to see your GP?

Original poster
M2T · 09/03/2004 16:33

Thanks Secur - I didn't discover MN until I had been suffering with PND for 18mths. So I'm hoping that I will recover quicker if it happens again as I have these boards to spill my emotions onto.

Thanks Miranda - My GP and HV seem to be very dismissive about it. I did voice my fears to my HV about having another baby and she wasn't much help. I think I'll give her another try.

Thanks all. I'm just getting ready to leave work for tonight. Fingerscrossed that this evening is less eventful as the last.

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secur · 09/03/2004 16:42

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kizzie · 09/03/2004 21:35

Hi M2T - i think the prob when we've had PND is that its very difficult to see a few bad days for what they are - just a few bad days. I know for me - i have this fear of it coming back. Whereas before the PND I could feel like S* - because I was tired / my boss was getting on my nerves/ PMT - hundreds of reasons - but it didnt worry me.

I really hope its the hormones but just in case my friend who had PND ended up taking AD's at the end of her 2nd pregnancy and for a few weeks after her daughter was born. The depression never kicked in and a year on shes fine.

Hope you're feeling better in a couple of days.
Kizziex

Original poster
M2T · 10/03/2004 08:31

Kizzie - You've hit the nail on the head there! I think it's the fear that I'm slipping back that is making me more upset. I got home yesterday and burst into tears. DH was looking at me in horror again. I ended up sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing so DS couldn't see me. It broke my heart when he followed DH upstairs and asked why I was sad.

I had a good talk with DH and he is desperate to phone my HV for me! I panicked. I just can't believe I'm deteriorating so much again. Hopefully I can put it into perspective and see that it's not a total relapse....... yet.

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twiglett · 10/03/2004 08:36

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kizzie · 10/03/2004 10:31

Hi M2T - I know its totally impossible to try and keep it into perspective when you're in the middle of it but try and keep telling yourself that a/ its probably just crap pregnancy hormones making you feel bad and b/ IF it is the start of return of PND then you WILL get better. And even though you haev that awful feeling of not being able to go through it again - because you have faced it before you are more capable of seeing the signs early/ getting help early etc.

Try if at all possible to stop yourself from thinking about how bad it was last time. Tell yourself that even if this is a relapse its a new illness not a continuation of the other one and that this will be different.
Make a list of all the things you'll be able to do to help once the baby is born (Ad's / the sepia which I think you said helped before etc etc)

Re. your husband - I have been in exactly the same situation with DH and found it devastating. But just try to tell myself that he is probably scared. I know if the roles were reversed I would have had absolutely no idea what it was like to go through depression and just wouldnt know what to do to help. (I dont think I have ever felt so lonely or desperate as when my husband just stared at me and turned away when i was having a panic attacks one day. I was totally devastated. Yet he is a very kind, caring man)

Sorry M2T - this note is rambling on. But just wanted to let you know that the support is here for you and that I understand those awful feelings.

You WILL be ok!
Kizziex

Original poster
M2T · 10/03/2004 10:40

Thanks Kizzie and Twiglett. I think DH sometimes is of the opinion that I could stop feeling like that if rrrrrreally wanted to. He's very supportive and understanding when I am talking about it rationally, but the minute there is any hysteria/panic/upset he immediately gets angry and frustrated at me and shouts.

I am feeling more positive about it today, but then I seem to be able to switch off those feelings when I'm at work.

We are going to Berwick Upon Tweed at Easter for a 5 day break and I'm looking forward to it. One thing that really sticks in my mind about PND was that I couldn't look forward to anything..... my future was just a black hole. So I am reassured by this and by all your comments.

I will speak to my HV about it even just to make her aware that I still have bad days and hopefully she will suggest a way to minimise my chances of becoming very ill again after baby is born. Thanks everyone, it really does help to post here.

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secur · 10/03/2004 11:17

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dinosaur · 10/03/2004 11:23

M2T - so glad you are feeling better - just want to send you a big cyberhug

oliveoil · 10/03/2004 13:02

Just seen this , hope it is just those foul pregnancy hormones and not PND. Not had any experience of PND so can't advise but I think we are around the same length in our pregnancy (?) and I spent most of Monday afternoon crying and have NO IDEA WHY. Dh was at work so didn't know and felt stupid so I didn't tell him at night, I just slumped on the sofa in a black cloud.

Know what you mean about switching feelings off at work, I am the same.

Try and keep your chin up, and don't forget that this site is just what you need and people are always 'listening'.

Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
M2T · 10/03/2004 13:55

Thanks Dino.

OO - I'm realising that this seems to be quite a common thing and is most likely to be my hormones. Horrible isn't it.

I'm going to go home tonight feeling very positive and give DH a big hug.

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