Alcohol and Christmas and MIL

[rara67]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post. MIL has always enjoyed a drink but things got out of hand in October when she drank a lot of brandy on top of her usual wine, had a bad fall and spent the night on the floor and ended up in hospital for over a week (nothing wrong with her but needed to be rehydrated). She is back on the wine as doctors give conflicting advice but we have managed to stop the brandy (we live 50 miles away and all her friends know not to buy it even though she puts in on her shopping list every week (doctor stopped her driving in September). My question is what do we do when she comes for Xmas? Can you get the taste for it just by having Xmas pud or a liquor chocolate? I think my DH will weaken and offer her a nightcap but my worry is that she will become addicted again. We only have the dregs of the bottle that put her in hospital and half a bottle unopened. She has done so well, it would be a real shame if she started drinking brandy again. Thanks, any help appreciated.

Personally I would say cooking with it shouldn't be a problem but would strongly advise your DH not to offer her any. In fact I would "misplace" the bottles so he couldn't.

She can't demand what you can't find/don't have :-)

I would have thought alcohol generally is the problem, not specifically brandy.

Was the fall in October an isolated incident or are there other reasons to suspect she has a problem? Because I'm not sure one fall, however worrying and unpleasant it was at the time, indicates an alcohol problem, especially if medical opinion seems mixed.

If she does have an alcohol problem then as Ziggy says, usually all alcohol would be a problem, not just brandy. Does she drink more wine instead?

Also, with all due respect, surely she hasn't "done so well" if the only reason she's not been drinking brandy is because she can't get any?

If you really don't want her to be able to drink brandy and your DH is likely to give it to her then remove it from your house. I don't know if the brandy in food would be a problem. On the one hand, if she really likes it and isn't able to have it otherwise then she might enjoy having the chance to taste it, but as you say she might crave more when she's tasted it. Could you have a dessert without alcohol in instead, just to be on the safe side?

Sorry this is a bit rambly, I hope you find a solution and that you all have a lovely Christmas

What RunRunRuby wrote.

Your home needs to be an alcohol free one this Christmas if she visits. Neither you or DH can weaken here by offering her alcohol which she will freely drink. She could well turn up at your house in a state of drunkenness.

Do you actually think his mother is an alcoholic?. Does she actually have to visit, infact the question should be should she actually be visiting you at all?.

Thanks for your support. MIL lives on her own, no other relatives. DH is an only child and much as he would like Xmas on our own ie just us and the DC, we can't not invite her (I am an only child too, so my DM always comes). We can limit the wine as I am now doing her weekly shop on line and will only order one wine box 2.25l (I need something to make up the minimum order as she struggles to find £25 worth of food!). When she's here, she will only drink what's offered, so we can have control over that. I dont think it's fair on me, DH, DSS, DM and any other guests to have a totally dry Xmas. She doesn't eat peel so Xmas pud and brandy butter is out (for her at least me and DM love it) I know she likes brandy cream but I haven't ordered it this year. In fact she eats very, very little so that's why drinking 40 percent brandy is a problem. I will look out for some little dessert that might just tempt her (she constantly turns up her nose at any suggestion, so I wont go to the effort of making something!) Last time I saw her I said that preparing food for her was like making food for a dollies tea party - she laughed, bless her! Off to "misplace" the inch of brandy that we removed after the fall (think she downed rest of bottle over 2 nights with a bottle of wine to celebrate her 80th. She thinks she only has a night cap, we think she has the whole milliner's shop) and the half bottle that we have. Thanks again and best wishes to you all for Christmas

"DH is an only child and much as he would like Xmas on our own ie just us and the DC, we can't not invite her (I am an only child too, so my DM always comes)"

Am sorry to ask but why do you both feel so obligated?.

How did you get roped into doing her online shopping?. Do not order her any alcohol with her online shopping, you are just enabling her (enabling is not helping and are becoming further enmeshed in her life as a result. Alcohol is likely suppressing her own appetite, that is perhaps why she is not eating so much.

Would you call her an alcoholic?. You did not answer that, what is your definition of an alcoholic?. Alcoholics are certainly not all passed out on park benches.

I think her own situation will eventually come back hard to bite you both on the behind. You cannot ignore this elephant in the room.

Attila - thanks. The obligation started over 20 years ago when we had our first house and DSS was little. Both DM and DMIL our on their own now and no other family. DM and me are very very close and she adores my DSs more than life itself. Just a family tradition which I promise we will break at some point!
I do DMIL shopping because she cant drive at the moment and her neighbours are older than her and not in good health themselves so too much pressure on them. She has one younger friend but she isn't well, Being 80 means her friends are too and they have their own mobility and health problems. Also she hasn't kept in regular contact with people.
Alcoholic - yes I think so, but then she managed 9 days in hospital without it and seemingly without any withdrawal. Just doesn't seem the right work for someone I have known for so long, admired and love.
Yes, we will definitely get our bums bitten but short of leaving her to starve/ drink herself to death, I don't see the options. And yes, definitely the elephant in the room, but she wont admit there's a problem. Will be an interesting Christmas but will be putting my little family first!

Looking at this from another angle have you any ideas why she might like too much brandy? I ask because my darling nan used to enjoy brandy a bit more than she should, usually on her own and sometimes in a hot chocolate. When she died she was found to have breast cancer which had spread to her bones She was a lovely lady and it makes us all sad to think she couldn't talk about it to anyone. Unfortunately I think the not talking about it bit was typical of her generation.

I would try hard to be your DMil's friend, try and get closer to her as there may be a reason behind all this.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

orange - thanks for your kind words and sorry to hear about DN. Yes, I think there's more to it (very unusual relationship with DFIL who died 3 years ago. Many years before that her DP of 30 years died but because she was the OW she didn't got to funeral. I could go on!). As you said it is a generational thing - her GP, a counsellor and pyschiatrist have both failed to get her to open up and they don't think she's depressed (despite her drinking, not getting up til noon, some days not dressing, not making an effort to see people, not bothering to write xmas cards. Even if she did I don't know if there is the support for her in the health service (are they really interested in an 80 year old lady who likes a drink?) and what we could offer is very very limited due to the distance and work commitments. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

She certainly sounds depressed as she is self neglecting but I know how difficult it can be to help especially when you have a young family.

Maybe once Christmas is over with you could speak to social services and see if your MiL might qualify for a carer or befriender. Of course she may not like anyone seeing her at first but it could be a good plan in the long run as it takes some pressure off yourselves if you know someone else is going in to her regularly.

HTH