Think I'm losing it [sad]

[tinker98]

Hi folks, i really feel so fed up. A few years ago i went through a divorce after being in an abusive marriage for twenty long years. During my marriage i became seriously depressed and was hospitalised for a week while i was being introduced to the anti-depressants. I'm still on the medication but have been ok.

Now's the time i should be happy to move on with my new life, but i feel so terrible. After the divorce, i stupidly went through a stage of one night stands, about 14 in total. I regret this so much, it haunts me. I was looking for affection in totally the wrong way.

I feel so cheap, and feel that i will get cervical cancer as a result. i googled it and im so scared. On top of that i caught chlamydia which may have present for a few years. I googled that too and have read that chlamydia might be a risk factor for cervical cancer. Im so certain that i'll get cancer, i cant stop thinking about it. I've had 2 smear tests in the past 18 months and they came back normal, but i still cant stop worrying.

I dont know what to think, is it my depression taking over, or will i get cancer? Im beginning to feel like i dont want to be in this world anymore, i cant handle it.

tinker, everything will be all right. Honestly.

You have had treatment for the chlamydia, you are having regular screening for cervical cancer - so even if you do have some cell changes it will all be perfectly treatable - and you recognise that the one night stands weren't good for you and you stopped.

You are being really responsible and making changes to become happier.

What you have left though is a lot of residual anxiety that you need to work on. A lot of people on these boards recommend CBT and I am very positive about it myself, as a way of stopping negative thought patterns and dealing with anxiety.

Also, make sure your GP has got you on the best ADs for you.

And good luck. You will be fine.

It sounds like your depression 'talking'. No, I don't think you'll get cancer. It sounds as if you feel so guilty about having had those one night stands that you feel you'd be deserving of it. This is also your depression taking. I have dark thoughts from time to time. I think it's healthy to share them. This way, they lose their power and you get an objective reality check.
The reality is, you've been through a tough time. You slept with a few people. You regret it. I'm not making light of hyoid experience but there's no room for guilt here. I think it'd be useful to treat yourself as a BEST FRIEND vs cruel, punitive parent. This includes how you think / talk to yourself. It's absolutely imperative and wonderful that you shared your thoughts. This will help them to lose their power and, hopefully, you'll see them am for what they are: your depression finding an opportunity to have a go at you. It's like a bully. Ignore it and tell adults ;)

At a time when I got overwhelmed by obsessive thoughts I was taught a "mindfulness" technique, and that was to recognise those thoughts, and picture them as jabbering monkeys, then tell them to go away and play somewhere else.
In their place, be very kind to yourself. You will not have brought illness on yourself. That's highly unlikely, and I speak as a cancer survivor.
You've been through a traumatic time, be your own best friend, and start from there. Also, talk to a counsellor if possible, or a friend.

Thankyou so much folks, it is helping alot to know that people are there and dont think i am a bad person. Im taking in your advise and and will see my doctor about perhaps cbt and some therapy. I've been thinking so many negative thoughts that i know it will take time to change my pattern of thought, but today i feel a little more positive after reading your replies.

This morning i woke up feeling terrible, but after reading the messages, i got up, wrapped up warm and went for a fast walk. When i got back, i said "well done" . I have to be determined to get over this, i have an amazingly strong 16 year old daughter, who often gives me advise instead of the other way round! something has really stuck in my mind from all your kind advise and thats to be Kind to myself.

I hope you are all well, and having a good day, Big Hugz! xxx

tinker, I am really pleased that you are feeling a bit more positive. Make sure you keep on being kind to yourself, at least once each day.

Glad you're trying to face it vs give into it. I love the idea of imagining negative thoughts as jabberwokies. I imagine little gremlins and tell them to F off. You need to imagine what yours look like. Make them grotesque, recognise then when they're speaking and tell them to go. Also tell MN and friends in RL these horrible thoughts. It'll help to ease their power over you and you'll believe them less.

I don't think you are a bad person at all. So pleased to hear the messages on here gave you a boost. Perhaps your depression makes you feel bad about yourself and as if you deserve to be punished? (Totally not true but the mind is a complex thing.)
20 years of an abusive marriage?
You have built a new life and clearly raised an amazing young person?
I think you are ace!!

Thankyou for the lovely replies . They are really helping me, i read them in the mornings which is when i my anxiety's at its worst.

I'm trying to imagine the bad thoughts as big nasty flies and then i imagine swatting them!
I'll be happy when this horrible feeling in my stomach goes, its like that feeling when you get a sudden fright but just constant.
I agree that i seem to be punishing myself and denying myself happiness, but its hard to confront it, and i think i'll need to get some proffessional help.

Im so glad i found you lovely ladies! I feel like i've made some great friends. Hope you are all having a good day, Big Hugs! xxx

And a big hug back to you. You're doing great. x