dementia

[Cantabile]

MIL is in her 80s. She has been deteriorating for years, and now there is nothing left of 'her'. She is losing her vocabulary of common words too.

DH spoke to her on the phone yesterday. As expected he had to remind her of some fairly basic things.

One exchange went a bit like this:

MIL: ...... oh, I'll pop round and see you tomorrow morning.
DH: Mum, we moved to X 8 years ago. We don't live in London any more.
MIL: Oh, don't you? Oh. Oh dear.
and she was sad all over again that we were no longer living close by.

What we are wondering is whether it would be 'kinder' or 'nicer' to her, if dh had just said "Oh that'll be lovely." instead of reminding her.

So is it better to go along with her - she will almost certainly have forgotten that she was going to pop round within a few minutes, probably doesn't remember she was on the phone let alone who she spoke to or what about - or should he remind her of reality? Does that stimulate memory, help keep it going?

Reminding her of things tends to cause a little sadness for a few moments. Going along with her could avoid that?

Advice very much needed. Thank you.

Hi, sorry to hear this. It's very distressing.

I believer that current thinking is the route of not correcting. Instead something like 'yes, mum we're looking forward to seeing you soon'. That's assuming she won't actually put on her coat and go to look for you. Constant correcting is just upsetting for you both and makes no difference anyway.

I hope you have her well cared for and safe. That with visits and calls are all you can do.

I agree with going along with things as long as it isn't endangering her at all. Much nicer if you can 'live in her world' as it were.

You might also like to post this in the 'elderly parents' topic wher ethere is a long running dementia thread with many people who could aoffer you advice.

for you & DH - it's so tough.

I'd say definitely go along with it. Hard sometimes, but far kinder. There's a lovely book by Oliver James called 'Contented Dementia', which has helped me a lot with my mum. He argues for not correcting, but also talks of strategies like keeping them happy by not asking any questions, so even 'would you like a cup of tea' can be stressful. He also talks of having a few topics they like talking about that you let them keep repeating as though you've heard it for the first time.

Thank you. I know I did that with my own Grandad but that was 30years ago when I was very young.

I shall look at the Elderly Parents topic. Thanks - didn't know there was one.