fear of death

[Evita]

I'm probably going to sound like a total loony asking this, but does anyone else get plagued by fears of death?

Since dd was born (16 months ago) I've been scared all the time of something happening to me so that she'll be left without a mom. It doesn't help that recently I've been diagnosed with a heart condition which may or may not be serious. I've also got a sort of chronic gastritis thing which means I feel nauseous and unable to eat much all the time. So I've lost quite a lot of weight. But it's the thought of letting my dd down, of her asking for me and me not being there that is driving my quietly mad. I play out all sorts of scenarios in my head about how dp will cope without me too. We've worked really hard to give dd a v. secure life with lots of attention and fun and she's v. happy with us. I just hate the thought of it all being spoiled.

Just re-read this and I do sound nuts. I haven't really spoken to anyone about this.

Evita, my husband is a little like this, but it's chronic. What we've done is plan for every eventuality and get the insurance we think we'd need. We also have plans in place on what we'd do if the other died. I don't think it's a morbid subject and it does help us plan for "what if". It helps to talk about it -- I find it reassuring knowing how my boys would be cared for in the case of my death. He's more secure, too, knowing that I'd be ok on my own if he died.

That doesn't help with the "how will the kids cope" questions, but does mean that we feel we could focus our energy on that, rather than logistics regarding how to live and what to do.

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Evita, to echo what others have already said here - I think most of us with children harbour worrying thoughts about how the remainder of the family would cope if a parent were to die. You've had a recent distressing diagnosis - as Twiglett says, you need time to come to terms with that - and you still don't know if it's serious or not. That must be hard to live with. And you've got the day to day misery of a nasty chronic condition too, it's not surprising you feel like this.
It is most definitely not loony!
Dh lost his dad when he was only six and that casts a long shadow over our household sometimes. We have found making a will, appointing guardians, and as you do, telling our children often how much we love them and how much we enjoy their company, all acts as a sort of insurance for when we feel a bit wobbly about the march of time...
Do you literally feel this fear all the time? If so, as Twiglett suggests, it might help to talk to your GP about it. Otherwise, take strange comfort from the fact that there are a few of us about!

Yes, I do find that I think about this far more since having dd and also find it hard to speak to anyone about it. I guess it's natural to think more about your own mortality when you have a child to care for. It didn't help me when a friend died at 30 leaving 2 young children.

However, I also agree with twiglett in that you can't let it take over. Maybe you could talk to a third party about your fears? Sometimes talking these things through makes them easier to handle?

JJ, that's a good idea, to cover the eventualities practically. I'll put it to dp, though I think he gets a bit fed up of my 'morbid thoughts' as he calls them!

sobernow, I'm in a v. similar situation in terms of having virtually no family. Dp is adopted and his adopted father died and his mom is v. difficult. I've got an ok relationship with my mom but she lives a LONG way away. My father died very tragically and I think that has had an enormous effect on me. I adored him, a real daddies girl, and it took me years to come to terms with his death, if I even have. I think the sudden nature of how he died and other things about his death were such a total shock I've never really stopped reeling. I do exactly the same as you when I'm out and about. And my dd is really v. lovely and I'm constantly looking at her and filling up with tears at the thought of her alone.

twiglett, I see a therapist every week, I have done for ages. It does help but it doesn't get away from the fears completely. Really I posted here, not looking for a solution, but just to see if anyone else felt the same.

Marina, thanks, I do take huge comfort to know other people feel the same. Because when one gets caught up in this kind of thinking all rationality goes out the window and you start fearing that the fears are a kind of premonition.

Clayhead, that must have been hard losing a friend so young. I too knew a woman (though not closely) who died v. suddenly and left 3 small children. It's so tragic.

I too started to think morbid thoughts after my first daughter was born and it got worse after the second, this comes and goes but I did end up talking to my GP about it as it was taking over my train of thought.

I would think of losing my children what would happen if myy husband died myself, if my husband would have an affair and leave us all alone, it got quite out of hand and my doctor diagnosed me with post natal depression which I have tablets for and I am feeling alot happier now..

alysmay, how old are your dd's now? Do you still take medication?

Me too, evita. I have contributed to a couple of threads on this: I also have the gastric problem, which is probably caused by stress and worry. You sound a litttle depressed, which is understandable. Basically, yeah, I feel the same a lot of the time and I obsess about death and cancer, and I hate myself for it. Think I'm nuts, too!

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As others have said I think it's part and parcel of being a parent. You suddenly become very aware of your own mortality. I am exactly the same. I worry about anything happening to my children as well as me and DH. I agree with other though, that you could have a chat with the doctors if you feel it is taking over and making you anxious all the time.
These kinds of thoughts could be symptoms of depression. When I suffered from PND after DD, these anxious feelings were my main symptoms.

Another idea which might help you is to look in the bookshop for self-help books on this subject. There must be plenty of them since as you can see from this thread, a lot of people battle with the same fears. I got over my PND by reading self-help books (I know it sounds very American of me...).

Anyway, you are not nuts! Or we are all nuts.....

I have this too (what a relief to see I'm not the only one!) - some days it's worse than others - almost every day when I need to drive somewhere I can't get the thought that I could be involved in a fatal accident out of my head (not helped by the fact that recently on a nearby junction a mum was killed by a lorry after she'd dropped her daughter off at school ). I worry about cancer and whatever else could lead to a premature departure! For me this is partly caused by one of my little ones having special needs - I really feel that she needs me to look out for her now and in the future more so than the other two. And of course that, whilst it is hard having small children, I love being with them, seeing them grow and really feel that life is good (but also terribly fragile).

These replies are amazing, thank you all.

Gilli, I'm sure the gastric thing with me is to do with stress. What do you do about yours? Have you found you've lost weight? like robinw says, I don't think not eating helps mood at all.

sobernow, absolutely! I look at this little girl with everything ahead of her and I am terrified of losing her and of her losing me. She's incredibly close to me.

Fairymum, do you think PND is likely in my case seeing as I haven't really been 'depressed' since dd was born and she's now 16 months? I kind of think maybe I've always had a problem with anxiety and fears of loss and now it's intensified as I have the most precious thing to lose.

2under2, I can imagine how having a child with special needs puts even more pressure on you. Even a child without those kinds of needs has 'special needs' so to speak, or at least you imagine so, you imagine that no-one can do for them what you do, than no-one will understand them like you do. But having a child like yours that is undeniably the case. You are very brave.