Could anyone answer some q's for me re Al Anon meetings?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

I've only been to two but am determined to keep going. It all seems a little strange right now (actual meetings) but the people are lovely and listening to others experiences really helps. (i'm going because i left my alcoholic ex fiance recently and have to start my life again completely and utterly from scratch)
Each week the 12 Steps and Traditions are read out . Why is this done? They don't change, they can be read any time! What is the point of this? (im not trying to be critical..i'm just so new to it). I can kind of get the Traditions but i thought the Steps were only for AA? for alcoholics? I find it a bit negative to say the bit about being powerless to alcohol. I'm not ! I'm not with him now and my own drinking is no problem!( I drink
probably a few times a year) I might be wrong but i do come from a spiritual background and am trying to be positive..to be it's a bit reinforcing negativity?
I agree about listening (to others stories) without interruption . But how come no one's allowed to give or ask for help and guidance? Who would you go to, then? doctor? But what if you are not the drinker? It seems to be so much about 'acceptance' rather than 'doing' and moving forward. In AA, can the drinker ask for help and guidance?
Please please go easy on me as i'm in a very bad place right now! I have a lot of bitterness and rage against my ex , my compassion is used up. He's still abusing and harrassing me. I've lost job, home and town , pet etc over this. But worst of all he's scared off a new man i was seeing, with his spite and malice and I'm absolutely devastated. So I did the right thing to leave, but he's still affecting my life. ( i do have a DV advisor but she's on hol)
Should i keep going/ persevering? The support and hearing others stories is great but a lot of the meeting feels so alien.
What other support is out there apart from AA? I have a weekly counseller but i have just so many long hours to brood. Im back at my parents and theyre on at me constantly too.
Also how come some groups do chanting and holding hands but others don't, yet all read the steps and traditions out?

sorry so long!

For what it's worth, I went to Al Anon some years ago and found it was not for me at all. I got nothing from it. It did not meet my needs and I gave up after about 4 meetings and never went back.

I then spent 18 months looking after myself (good food and early nights) and getting my head round the experience I'd had with my drinker. I found the time alone much more helpful.

We're all different. My drinker wouldn't ever go anywhere near AA. Others swear by it.

i have been to three now and take the bits i need..hearing other's experiences really helps with not feeling so isolated. but going through all the traditions and commenting on each.. i don't get it, they are written down for everyone to see... a whole eve spent talking about anonymity or why AlAnon shouldnt enter into outside issues..i didnt go for that... the 'politics' as it were.. nonetheless i'll keep going for now

I asked why last night, as a non drinker i had to read the 12 steps each week but they said it was that we followed the same principles as AA. To me it sounds too passive and 'giving up' to say i'm powerless against alcohol... but their attitude is very much, let go and let God..

I the think the powerlessness in al anon is more in relation to stopping the drinker from drinking and their actions relating to that. It can drive some people crazy trying to fix it.
The steps are the same because it is a similar process of introspection that is used to heal from the damage of alcohol abuse and stop a cycle of finding another alcoholic or lame duck to try to save.
The person to ask for help is a sponsor - other people in the meeting may or may not be in a position to provide good advise.
All meetings are different and some people try a few before choosing a 'home group' but it is always a bit alien to start with.
Well done for moving on, I hope things just get better for you.

I am many a veteran of ACA meetings. Agree try a few different meetings, they can vary a lot.

it's just one way to recognise problems and may not be right for you. The strengths of the 12 steps is they make the principle clear that there are things you Can and things you CAN'T do. Steps3-7 are not about giving up because you are supposed to be willing to do whatever IS in your power (and the 12 steps give an example of the minimum you should do if you are willing). The problem with addictive behaviours is people indulge in the delusion of thinking they can handle it when they certainly Can Not. Co-dependents are fixers, they try to fix the impossible.

The thing about not giving advice is that it can become pressure & everyone needs to be make their own journey with

it does give me comfort to know now, i couldn't 'fix' my ex and i didn't drive him to drink..he already had the illness, and even with his dry years he was still 'programmed' as an alcoholic.. i used to run a mind body and spirit centre and also have done a lot of NLP and CBT. I find it hard to say i am powerless to alcohol as it goes against the work i've done on myself and feeling empowered.. but i do realise (now) it really means we can't change other's drinking. I find the acceptance bit all so passive but also oddly comforting if that makes sense..i think i'm just having to re programme a lot of my own processes to adapt! Just going to have to accept the 12 steps will apply to the drinker but not all the members of the family groups.

i didn't look for an alcoholic/ lame duck to save..he was teetotal for 6 yrs, i never knew him as a drinker. so it was all a complete shock to me and i had nothing to draw on. and yes i did try to save him.. but he was the strong one when we met. A lot older than me, very controlling... but very much teetotal and i trusted that.

I suppose it's worth remembering that whilst you have left your drinker, many of the others at the group are probably still living with/involved with theirs. So reminding them that they are powerless over alcohol (their drinker's alcohol) is useful.

Going over the steps also ensures that newbies get to hear it - they can't guarantee that every meeting isn't someone's first time.

There is also power in mantra of course.

The main purpose of Al Anon is to allow those who are closest to alcoholics to detach and move their lives beyond the constant anxiety about and concentration on the alcoholic.

'powerless against alcohol' means, to me, that I can't stop someone drinking, I can't stop the effect alcohol has on them, and I can't control the unmanageability/chaos that comes with it for an alcoholic. That's all.

Nothing weak, just putting power in its proper place (power to change my own opinions/decisions/habits).

FWIW, if no longer living with an alcoholic, I found CODA and/or ACoA more pertinent. I had issues with caretaking/rescuing/control that went far beyond whoever I was living with.

Oh - and I found all the stuff about acceptance confusing/passive when I first encountered it, but I see it differently now I guess.

Acceptance isn't the same as resignation

i guess not, Elibean. I'll get used to it i'm sure