Dealing with my alcoholic father

[motherdaughter]

So I don't drip feed (sorry, this may be long)

My mum died 18 months agp. Dad hasn't coped well. He lives on his own about an hour and a halfs drive from us. I am an only child and I have 2 pre-school children.

My father is an alcoholic. He didn't drink much when mum was alive - they would regularly share a bottle of wine - and sometimes he'd drink whisky too.

AFter mum died he was devastated. She's been ill for many years and he was her carer but after she died he didn't know what to do with himself so he started to fill the void with alcohol.

Last summer we realised his drinking was out of control. He was staying with us but kept sneaking upstairs to swig from his brandy bottle. We told him he could never be alone with the children because he wasn't safe. He promised to stop. I was hopeful.

he saw the GP. he was told his medication was incompatible with alcohol. He promised to stop. I was hopeful.

In the spring his drinking got worse. There were days I'd phone him in the early evening and he couldn't get any words out. He promised to stop. He went to see the alcohol recovery partnership and saw a counsellor. I was hopeful.

He lied to the counsellor. he saw his mentor at the recovery partnership once and decided he was better.

He then got drunk and crashed his car. He wrote off his own and 2 parked cars. By the time he was taken to the police station his blood alcohol levels were such that he was let off with a caution. he was about to buy a new car the next day but I got the GP to prevent him from driving because I knew he wouldn't stop.

He did stop. He was lucid and articulate and witty and interested in his grand children and fabulous to talk to for a month. I was thrilled to have my dad back.

Then he started drinking again.
He fell over 2 weeks ago and was carted off to hospital in an ambulance. he swore he was sober. Apparently he'd been seen weaving down the road and the A&E team reported that he stank of alcohol.

Last week he saw the GP. GP told him he was an alcoholic and gave him the number for AA. Dad called them. Somebody called him back and took him to a meeting. He loved it; loved the support; liked the people...
I was so hopeful. I really thought he might be able to crack it.
I phoned on Monday and Tuesday this week. Both times he was drunk. He phoned on Wednesday, concerned that something had gone horribly wrong because I hadn't phoned him for ages. I pointed out I'd given up my last 2 evenings to phone him but he was too drunk to remember. 5 minutes later he told me it was fine if I was too busy to call him like I had been that week but it was just nice to hear from me now and again.

Tonight in the middle of bed time he rang the land line twice, my mobile, dh's mobile the land line again - within 10 mins so I called him back assuming that he actually urgently needed us. It was nothing that couldn't have waited until my usual call as soon as the kids are in bed. He's not planning on going back to AA because he assures me he's had no alcohol since he saw the GP...

So he's an alcoholic. He lies.

I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I also can't deal with it. I hate being lied to. I miss my dad. I miss my mum. How the hell do I manage the hope that fills my heart every time he says he's going to stop and how do I cope with the bitterness and the disappointment the next time I call and he's drunk? Right now I feel nothing for him but a sense of responsibility and guilt. The children adore him so not having a relationship with him isn't really an option but I want to be able to have an adult relationship with him.

I can only offer sympathy and a listening ear I'm afraid.
I hope someone with advice will be along soon.

Your post has made me so sad. My father had an alcohol problem so I do understand a little of what you're going through. My dad wouldn't lie and was open about his problem. He'd start watching the clock every night from 6pm and would start drinking at 7:30pm on the dot. Some days he could barely get up the stairs and he eventually gave up and spent 6 years before my mum divorced him sleeping on the sofa. I know that he had problems, which is why he drunk but there was no way of helping him. He died 5 years ago of COPD (smoking related) but drank until the day that he died bar a few occasions when he was given medication for it.

The GP can give him medication which will make him vomit if he drinks but he has to want to stop or nothing will work. these people are good for supporting families. I wish I had some wise words for you but all I can do is send you a cyberhug and tell you that I understand. Give anonuk a call, they will be able to point you in the right direction for support. Sounds like your dad could do with bereavement counselling as he's probably numbing the pain.

I want to be able to have an adult relationship with him.

But it's not your choice, OP. All you can choose to do is whether and how much you expose yourself and your children to him. They may adore him but they will learn to pity him - probably faster than you will.

You do need to talk to Al-Anon and start detaching yourself. Cut down on the calls - what's the point when he doesn't remember afterwards? You do. Be kind to yourself and spare yourself some of the hurt.

You can't fix him. This is his choice. You need to make your choices now.

Tribpot says it all, I've not been through this with my father, but have with my brother. :( There is sadly absolutely nothing you can do until the alcoholic feels they have reached rock bottom, have a problem and is prepared to get help.

My brother took a few goes, but did get there in the end, and has been dry for about 18 years or so now. It was awful until he cracked it though, and it has damaged the relationship between us.

I wish you the very best of luck, and hope that Al-Anon is of great help to you.

My mum was an alcoholic most of my life.

If you want to have a relationship with your father and want your kids to, then the only advice I can offer is to arrange to see your dad when he is likely to be sober.9am on a saturday morning for example.

There is no point phoning in the evening when you know he will be pissed and won't remember the call - and might be abusive from what you say.

The thing to remember is that alcoholics are two people. The sober person, who is your dad, and the drunk one, who is someone else. The drunk will say anything - don't trust them. And if the sober one says something don't put any store by it until it is backed up by actions.

Just wanted to say I sympathise. My Mum drank heavily from when I was 11 to age 37 (she gave up less than two years ago after behaving appalling at my sister's wedding).

During the drinking years, she was aggressive and deceitful. She'd also phone me, slurring her words, slagging my Dad off, repeating herself, saying unforgiveable things to me and upsetting me a great deal.

We used to try and see her in the mornings when she was sober but she adopted a strange routine of drinking heavily, sleeping it off a bit, getting up and drinking heavily, around the clock so even at 8am she'd be drunk, or if you called around at 10am she'd already be back in bed pissed.

Unfortunately I don't have any answers or decent advice but I feel very resentful at the effect she had on our family, and the upset she caused, and all the hurtful things she said, and all the times I used to think "when she gives up drinking" - it blighted our lives really.

Your post really resonated with me OP, the bits where you said you were hopeful. I sound very bitter but my advice to you would be to stop hoping because it may never happen. Sorry to be so negative.

Tribpot's post was brilliant and I wish I had had that sort of advice years ago.

I do hope something clicks with your Dad and he stops.

Cheers
Ali