Anyone got a DH/DP with bi-polar disorder/manic depression?

[moniker]

Hi I tried this in relationships – am just wondering if some extra MNetters might see it in this topic. To sum up this is my story…
My DH has Bipolar II - recently diagnosed but has had it since his teens I would say. I'm looking for some support and ways of dealing with it if anyone can help. We have two DSs age 6 and 4 and I'm worried about how his illness affects them as its certainly affecting me. I have been a MNetter for years but lurk more than I post!! I work full time so don't get much time to internet but will check in for responses!
When DH is having a depression related meltdown it's all directed at me - often hour after hour of ranting about my shortcomings and how the DSs and I are dragging him down and ruining his life. It would be a lot easier to cope with if I wasn't the focus of his outrage.
When he's manic he comes up with various schemes like emigrating, opening a business, having another baby, moving house etc - all of which I have to pretend to go along with until the phase is over. It's exhausting. And the longer things are 'normal' for the closer I know we are to a meltdown or a manic phase.
I've looked online and can't really find anything suitable - I've got loads of info about bi-polar but what I'd really like is to find someone to talk to that's in my position - DH has been going to a support group for anger management for over 2 years now (which is how he got his diagnosis) but the DSs and I don't have anyone.
DH doesn't want me to talk to anyone we know about this and so far really I haven't. It's got to the point though where I need to or I won't be able to cope. It's so complicated and he takes it all so personally as it's his illness that's causing many of the problems - and the things he says and does still hurt and have consequences. He hasn't really got his own head around it and is also very private and worried about what people will think.
I'll happily give more info if needed! Thanks.

just saying hi moniker..

I've noticed before that this mental health topic doesn't get replies..statistically it should but perhaps there is a lot of stigma attached?

Sorry but I have no experience of this, but aren't there any support groups that your doctor/hospital could recommend? I have found that the Internet has message boards/forums for almost everything that exists, so I am sure there must be something out there.

Sounds exhausting - look after yourself.

Monikor, sorry can't help you but my mum has suffered depression all her life, although she is not bipolar. My mum is either very very well or very very poorly - last time it meant her being hospitalised in the psychiatric ward for 4 months.

Have you had a carer's assessment carried out? I had one carried out this morning by my mum's psychiatrist although my mum has been well since April last year. They can offer support groups and various other help if you feel you need it.

Sometimes it is good just to meet and chat in a group, possibly even without your DH knowing, not that I am telling you to keep it a secret but he doesn't seem to want you to talk to people about it.

Sometimes networking and meeting other people going through the same thing that you are can help you to cope.

Try getting in touch with your doctor (I presume they know of your husbands depression) and hopefully they can carry out an assessment on you to make sure you are getting the help and support that you need and are entitled to.

I've been thinking about this. Have you managed either of you to see a positive side to his illness..it's not always bad that someone has impulsive ideas or takes risks, these can be attributes rather than negatives. Is it a definite nono to has plans all the time? I s he a creative thinker?

Would following up an idea of his with you as the thinker on the project not help his self esteem?

Sorry you are having to go through this moniker. My brother is bipolar (and my mum probably is), so I can understand a bit of what you are going through, though it must be very different being married to someone with this illness. Have you tried SAME, they have a website and say that they are for families as well. My brother has also been in hospital a few times, but is now well controlled on lithium. Does your dh have much contact with a psychiatric department, or is he on any medication? Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, although you situation sounds much harder. Also I'm sure your boys will cope, children are amazingly tolerant and adaptable.

Sorry that should be \link{http://www.sane.org.uk\SANE}
Hope this helps

Also perhaps try not to think of it so much as an illness and instead as what makes him the person he is...

It sounds as though you are both struggling to accept it but maybe once you do then you will feel more in control than controlled by it.

Dear Moniker

I hope this perspective helps....I have just been diagnosed with the same condition as your DH, and like him have probably had it for years. Some of what you describe sounds very familiar - I am worried about what people with think, what I should tell them, if anything. His symptoms sound a lot like mine too, except to my shame it is DD who tends to get caught up in the effect of the downs, as I am a single parent.

I found a dedicated website which I have read from "cover to cover" (the manic depression fellowship www.mdf.org.uk -sorry can't do links. It has a section for relatives/friends of people who are bipolar which I hope will help you.

Also has lots of info on treatments - it does not sound as if your DH's is being managed very well if he is still having highs and lows. Has he seen a specialist - ie a GOOD psychiatrist? The reason it took so long for my condition to be picked was that the health professionals I have seen before were not much good. The best reassurance I have had from the doctor who diagnosed me and the MDF website/people is that the condition can be treated very successfully. So hopefully if your DH can get right meds/therapy things will get better for you all.

Hope this helps xx
MadderthanIthought (meant to be ironic, but part of the problem is the stigma)

I think being diagnosed is quite scary in the sense that it sounds like a mad mad illness...but on the other hand he has had this forever really, it is only the diagnosis that is new.

So he hasn't changed. What about taking this as the lead in point...

Have you read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison, it does capture the feeling of manic depression in a way that some other writing does not.

watching this thread with great interest, but sorry no advice. was diagnsed with depression four years ago, but i know its been a lot longer. thing is, 'depression' doesn't entirely describe what i go through, and i'm beginning to wonder if there's more to it. i don't mind talking about it at all, but will only tell 'RL' people that i trust as i find they tend to judge. you're right about the stigma. Zippiti, i'm going to find that book, because the title intrigues me.

Hi Moniker,

Just seen this thread, thought I would add my support. My Dad has bipolar disorder, diagnosed for quite a while after much heartache and a spell on a psychiatric unit. His symptoms present in a very similar way to your DH's. He can be verbally very aggressive towards my DM during a low and she finds it very difficult to handle. The major things that he has found helpful are as follows:

The right treatment. Getting his medication right has made the world of difference.

A good relationship with an understanding CPN, both for him and my mother.

Adjusting the amount of sleep he gets depending on where he is in a cycle- he needs a lot more sleep during a low.

Exercise. Little and often. This has made an unbelievable difference to his mental health. I suppose anything with a sense of achievement might have the same effect.

I think I'll leave it there for now. If you have any specific questions or want any advice or just a chat, feel free to get in touch. I think it must be very hard to handle him directing his frustration at you, but remember to keep telling yourself that he is frustrated too and will take it out on those closest to him.

You say he has highs and lows, but does he have any periods in the middle? My Dad used to be able to swing between the two in 24hrs, but now his medication is working, he has periods of about a fortnight where he is entirely stable with no symptoms. This is the time in which to discuss any issues arising during highs and lows, never during them. That is the one most painful and fundamental lesson we have learnt thus far.

Anyway, lots of love and luck to you.

SOH

Hello everyone - thanks for your messages! Evenmadder - it's really interesting to get your perspective because DH doesn't really want to talk about it when he's feeling well and when he's high/low I can't have a rational discussion with him about anything.
Show of Hands - he does have reasonably long periods of being well but the longer it goes on the more i worry that a high/low is coming. There are key stress times in his work that often precipitate a low and as I know whne these stress times are that's hard too.
Fromwhat you've all said the main issue seems to be that he hasn't been referred on to anyone following his diagnosis - he's been told that he's obviously manageing it well BUT I've not been spoken to by anyone and I feel that he/we does/do need more support.
The diagnosis has explained so much about his past behaviour - the info I've read describes him so well. I think it would help others close to him to know what the problem is so they could understand too and I know his behaviour has really hurt and upset people at times. I want to tell everyone to be honest so that they can see that he has an illness and is not a 'bad' person. But, he's afraid other will think he's 'mad' and that it will cause problems at work if he says anything to them.
I will make an appointment with our DRs and go and speak to them about referral and support and see where that goes.
Thanks all of you - I'll let you know how I/we get on. Katyrocks and Even madder - I've alwyas known there was something 'wrong' with DH (his mum said she's known since he was a teenager) and the diagnosis has really just confirmed that. I't hasn't changed how I feel about him - just explained a lot really. Good luck to you both. Mxx

Moniker

I have replied to you in detail on the other post about loving somebody with BPD.

I have to say I think you are wrong to want to "out" him to all his friends and family. It might help you in the short term to feel that you have "shared" your problem, but in the long term for him he will be stigmatised with a mental illness and I don't see how that could actually help him. He may lose his job, his respect, everything. Similarly as far as I am concerned, meds are not always necessary and could change him from the man you know into a shadow of himself (not saying they always do this just pointing it out)

I understand the "relief" that comes with suddenly having a diagnosis and effectively something to pin all your "problems" on but as I said so be very careful of making everything about his "illness". You will still sometimes be at fault, he will sometimes be angry, sad etc without it being part of his BPD. If as you say, it hasn't changed your feelings then please do try to see the positive side.

Good luck with it all.

here is a link back to your other thread

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=169474&stamp=060505225951\BPD}

I too would say that there really is no need for anyone to be told he is bipolar..and definitely not against his own wishes, that would be a very unkind betrayal. If he wants to tell people then that is a different thing.

It is a relatively common illness..about 1 in 100 people and quite possible to lead a normal and fulfilled life. Unfortunately, it is stigmatised and can lead to employment problems, insurance and financial product difficulties.

It might be a challenge to live with but so for example is diabetes and similarly it need not impinge on everyday life or need to become the focus of daily life.

I also agree that learning to self manage is very important as is self confidence. I am not a big fan of medication but horses for courses!

I hope you adapt to the news soon and can progressively let it take a less central role in your relationship and please do see if any of those brilliant ideas could be worthwhile trying!

I think your attitude is great Zippi. I honestly hardly ever think about DH's "illness" 99% of the time. I don't think of it as an illness at all actually. Most of the time he is fine anyway as we avoid triggers.
Omega 3 is great, try it as an alternative Moniker and try develop an open mind about this xx

The other thing I would say that it is worrying thinking a bonkers up or down time is always round the corner but if you can really try not live with that always in mind then it's a lot easier. I am bipolar so coming at this from your partner's angle more than yours though! I don't think my dp spends that much time thinking about it tbh.

HI again - am on both threads now - sorry! Just want to add that I really don't want to 'out' him - just explain especially to very close family what causes the behaviour that they witness and support me through. I thought it might help if they knew why he does what he does (I've mentioned some of it on the other thread). I know I'm not explaining this very well but I need some support myself from somewhere. The diagnosis hasn't changed anything for me as I've been living with this behaviour for over 10 years now - what it does is explain it - I still want it to stop! Does that make sense? I think if the blow outs (and the manic tiems) were less frequent it woudl be easier - what is a managable time between episodes?