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Original poster

How can I help my obese friend

27 replies

onthelastlegtohome · 23/02/2013 14:16

I met up with friend, probably more of an acquaintance, after a lapse of 10 years. I was shocked and horrified that she is now seriously obese and diabetic. She used to be absolutely drop dead gorgeous. Really stunning.

Do you think it would wreck our friendship/acquaintanceship if I asked her to come to SW with me? I am going off and on to SW classes. She hasn't asked for help. She has told me she has been to SW in the past and her dh was very supportive.

OP posts:

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 23/02/2013 14:19

Um, leave her be?

spottymoo · 23/02/2013 14:20

You could ask if she wants to cone with you as your nervous being on your own. But at the end of the day she may be happy as she is even if u don't see it.

Or being asked to go along could be the break she needs x

Chopchopbusybusy · 23/02/2013 14:21

If she hasn't asked for your help then you should do nothing.

BoffinMum · 23/02/2013 15:15

She has to ask for help. In the meantime just see her regularly and re-engage gradually.

Rosyisgonnabeamummy · 23/02/2013 15:19

It's not what you put in your mouth it's why.

She may have had a huge emotional trauma in the 10 yrs you've not seen her

Be assured that if she is diabetic then every single health professional will be asking her to consider her diet

Support her from an emotional perspective first.

specialsubject · 23/02/2013 18:10

clearly SW didn't work for her, so there's not much point in that.

bigger issues, and up to her.

PurpleStorm · 23/02/2013 21:38

She's not going to be trying to lose weight unless she's decided herself that she's ready to.

But if you do still want to ask her to come to SW, I second the suggestion that you make it sound like you want moral support because you're nervous about going alone.

Selks · 23/02/2013 21:39

Sorry to say OP but I think you should just mind your own business on this one. Just be an unconditional friend. Her weight is her business.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 23/02/2013 21:44

Someone who was an aquaintance 10 years ago is not someone you are close enough to, to do anything. Nothing. Nada. She's an adult, she doesn't need someone who she hasn't seen in 10 years pointing out that she's no longer the stunner she once was and is now obese - I can assure you, she already knows this. Diabetes is a fucker and you normally have a metabolic imbalance before gaining weight, it's more common for diabetes to cause obesity, than obesity to cause diabetes - so you might want to ditch your judgey pants over that aspect too.

Either be her friend as she is or leave her alone.

Sunnywithshowers · 23/02/2013 21:51

You can help her by minding your own business, or helping her when she asks for help and not before.

Original poster

onthelastlegtohome · 24/02/2013 21:44

ok thanks for your responses, I was worried so that's why I asked.

Trouble is I can't spend time with her without looking at her and thinking all the time how awful she looks, (yes judgemental and why not? she has two dds and a ds and a lovely dh to live for, why is she eating herself to death, cos I don't think she'll get much past 45, instead of living for them and giving them a mum and dw they can be proud of, they're embarassed by her. and I'm really angry with her and frightened for her, so I'm probably best avoiding her. But that means there is nothing I can do to help her in a positive manner.

So go ahead and flame me.
It took another friend to tell me she thought I was a size 20 to send me to WW classes (at the time I was a size 16) so pussyfooting around doesn't necessarily help people, no one else had mentioned it, but I knew I was overweight and i hated my size and put my life on hold because of it and did nothing about it until this, and it took someone's straight talking and the shock of it, to kick me into going to WW and I wish that someone had said it years ago and everyone had not been quite so tactful over the years. There's too much political correctness about now.

OP posts:

Sunnywithshowers · 24/02/2013 22:08

Balls to political correctness, OP. You haven't cared enough about this friend to see her in 10 years, so what makes you think that you have the right to waltz in and 'help' her?

You don't sound much of a friend, frankly, saying her kids are 'embarrassed' by her. You don't know why she's 'eating herself to death', or whether she's on medication that makes her overweight, or isn't feeling herself emotionally.

Pan · 24/02/2013 22:26

I wouldn't flame you OP. It's a really tricky, delicate situation. For instance loved ones are 'too close' at times and 'invested' to be brave enough. She may be acutely sensitive and putting her head in the proverbial sand. Who knows.

I have a friend (of a friend) who fits this description. She is v, poss. morbidly, obese. Everyone else just passes her off as 'jolly Mary', 3 dcs, and she does a good job in playing the part. I don't really know her v well. IF I knew her better I'd like to think I'd raise it with her in some way. For the many good reasons you say.

PC is nothing to do with it. You could say raising the issue is the opposite of being PC.

plantsitter · 24/02/2013 22:32

People on these fat- bashing type threads always reckon they're worried about people's health when really what they mean - and what you've explicitly said - is 'I can't stop thinking about how awful she looks'.

She will have medical help with her weight. She is obviously aware of it so why 'raise the issue'?

Try sorting your own head out - why the hell are you unable to see past someone's outward appearance to be able to be friends with them? Why do you see someone as an embarrassment rather than a loving wife and mother (and presumably loads of other stuff too)?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/02/2013 22:35

Well - you haven't seen her for 10 years so I doubt she'd give a damn if she didn't see you again. So take your nasty, judgemental thoughts with you and don't you DARE speak for her husband and kids like that - you don't have a fucking clue how they feel.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/02/2013 22:37

You are angry with her? Why? It has NOTHING to do with you.

timidviper · 24/02/2013 22:44

You do seem to be making an awful lot of assumptions here - her family are ashamed of her and she won't live beyond 45?! I have news for you OP, I am much larger than average, my family love me, my friends care about me and enjoy my company and I am over 45 and still breathing!

Here you go, have a if you can get your Slimming World cats bum mouth around it

Pan · 24/02/2013 22:44

Well, only you OP know what your motives are for feeling the way you do, or for posting about it here. If your motives are 'honest hearted' and born out of a concern for an old friend, I'd ignore the posters who say 'It's nothing to do with you'.

If an old friend was drinking waay to much, or indulging in any other life-limiting habits then you'd have an honest reason to ask them about it.
This looks nothing like a fat-bashing OP or thread.

Selks · 24/02/2013 22:47

"Trouble is I can't spend time with her without looking at her and thinking all the time how awful she looks, (yes judgemental and why not?"

Thank god you're not my friend. You have issues.

plantsitter · 25/02/2013 13:41

If an old friend was drinking way too much and told you they were being treated for cirrhosis of the liver you wouldn't ask them if they had thought about drinking less though, would you? Well, not unless you were an insensitive clod anyway.

reastie · 25/02/2013 13:50

OP please don't do it. She's not even a friend by your own admission.

I put on 5 stone during and after pg. I went from healthy (if a little overweight) to very obese. I was very unconfident and hated myself for it. I went to an NHS funded weight loss class and the group leader tried taking the tough love approach with me and it just had the opposite effect and hindered my weight loss as I felt so useless and such a failure. It took me to make the decision for myself to do it some months later. I'm now over 4.5 stone lighter. I feel great, but I really wouldn't have appreciated someone I didn't know that well trying to help me see how awful I looked. You don't know if there's a reason behind the weight gain - there are a number of medical reasons it might have happened, she might not have just been lazy (as people see obese people as being).

If you have to do something maybe just mention you're off to SW yourself and see if she takes any interest and offer for her to come too, or as a previous poster has mentioned ask her if she will come with you as you are nervous on your own (only if she's the type of person you would usually ask in RL anyway though). Don't force her into it and don't make her feel bad for how she looks.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/02/2013 15:03

I wouldn't ask her to come to the classes with you, onthelastlegtohome, but I don't think there would be anything wrong with mentioning to her that you are starting SW, and just see what she says. It may be that she isn't in the right mental place to do anything about it right now, or it might start a conversation where you could offer support if she asked for it.

I am very heavily overweight at the moment, and struggling to do anything about it - but if a friend told me they were starting Scottish Slimmers or WW, or whatever, that might be the prod that I needed, and I might ask if I could go along with them. If your friend asked if she could come along, then maybe the two of you could support eachother.

I do agree with the other posters who have said that it is unkind to be judging her so harshly and to be assuming that her dh and dc are ashamed of her,

Original poster

onthelastlegtohome · 25/02/2013 18:13

thanks for all the responses, yes I agree with what many of you have said, and I have said from the beginning that we are really more aquaintances than friends, that doesn't stop me feeling desperate to help her, every time I look at her and remember how gorgeous she was, it's absolutely tragic how she's changed, so so tragic. She looks as if she is 27 stone going on 30, so it is really serious and life threatening/shortening.
not a right to waltz in no, but if only there was something I could do. it is so sad for her dh and dcs too. Her dh has in my hearing been negative about her on several occasions, and I'm sure he didn't even realise he was being negative/dismissive, it was not an actual conscious criticism, more of a habit, and I itched to tell him to be kinder, but didn't say anything. Her dcs were teased about her at school.

but you think I should not interfere and I certainly don't want to upset her if my interference was going to be counterproductive, so I won't say anything direct but I will mention that I am off to slimming classes if the opportunity arises
thanks again

OP posts:

colleysmill · 25/02/2013 18:34

I would think most of the health team will be trying to help her address her weight, particularly if she has diabetes. She might be heartedly sick of talking about her weight or She might already be doing classes or waiting for surgery and not wanted to mention it.

I find when I want to lose weight I don't tend to mention it to lots of people as I can't stand the Spanish inquisition on how its going (or not going!) all the time.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 25/02/2013 18:39

You seem to know/have overheard an awful lot about someone you haven't seen in 10 years.

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