Ridiculous unwarranted anxiety

[LalyRawr]

I didn't know where to put this, so if it is better suited elsewhere, please move it.

I have ridiculous, unwarranted and totally crippling anxiety. First some background as I know full well where this has come from, but even knowing what is causing it doesn't help me fix it.

When I was 14 my parents and brother (only family I have) were killed in a car crash. My parents were both only children with parents both long dead, so I had no one left. I blamed myself for years, felt guilty for not going with them and thus surviving. Felt guilty for not offering to babysit my brother. He was 8 when he died.

I somehow made it to adulthood with a vague sense of normality. Met my current OH, got pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful little girl who was born asleep. No one could tell me why. There was no medical reason as to why she never opened her eyes.

I now have another beautiful little girl who is one in two weeks. It is mainly her who causes me the anxiety. She is a perfectly happy, healthy, gorgeous baby. Absolutely no health concerns, eats well, gains weight, walked at 8 months, has started saying some words (mainly dad!) and gives me no reason to worry.

Except I do.

I check on her 3/4 times a night, just to make sure she is breathing (and end up waking her half the time). I worry when she coughs that's its a serious illness. I was half way to A&E convinced she had meningitis when my OH assured me that the rash was from his beard where he was kissing her. Every time she gets into a car (which I keep to a minimum, but is necessary at times) I am convinced there will be a crash and she will die.

It has got to the point where I already have her funeral half planned in my head. I know how fucking awful that sounds but I can't help it.

I also worry about my OH. Every time he goes out I'm convinced he will get in a fight and get stabbed. Or have a fit (he is epileptic) and seriously hurt himself.

Funnily enough, I don't have any worries about myself. Never have done. It's mainly the baby and my OH.

I know this is because of losing my family and then my daughter, but while my logical, rationale side knows I am being unreasonable and there is nothing to worry about, it makes no difference. I can't help it.

Due to being in care after my family died, I have a deep and total mistrust of social services and doctors and anyone of vague authority. I cannot bring myself to talk to anyone like my GP as I am paranoid about SS being involved with my daughter.

What can I do? Is there anything I can do/take to stop being like this? I know I am being irrational, but what can I practically do about it?

I'm not an expert but it sounds to me that your fear is based around everyone you've loved being taken from you and that you now fear history repeating itself. It might be beneficial to seek some counselling?

I should add that i don't think SS would need to be involved

hi
i found visiting a clinical psychologist very helpful,have you seen anyone?

i think you should try to access some counselling. you have had so many terrible traumas - and i am so sorry - that you would not be normal if you weren't anxious, but perhaps to talking to someone might help you to find ways to ease this.

i hope you can find some good help.

Firstly, id just like to say how sorry i am for your losses :( no one should have to go through that. So sad for you.

Most importantly please please don't worry about approaching your GP, that is exactly who you should be seeing. Your anxiety has a root in your past and the shitty things that have happened to you, but it is a physical thing that can respond to treatment.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal, putting the tragedies aside, most parents have a degree of anxiety about their babies, its natural, but yours is at an extreme level.

You sound very sensible, if i were you my plan would be - get to the GP to see if they can prescribe you some anti-anxiety meds. The i would ask for some counselling, you have so much you need to talk through and find some closure over.

I suffer from anxiety andi do struggle sometimes, of course it was particularly bad after DD came along, i also had PND that wasn't picked up until DD was two. You would be at risk of this too - I went to my doctor and she was great, i told her everything - and not one time did she even mention or question my parenting, no mention of social services or HVs or anything. Please don't worry about this, no one would think you are a bad parent, your anxiety proves just the opposite!

I think when you explain your story, how could you be anything other than anxious? You must be so scared to relax just in case.

I feel really moved to think of you worrying so much. It must be so hard and tiring.

Have you had any counselling? Private counselling wouldn't even appear on your medical records so you wouldn't need to tell your doctor. But if you think logically, there is no reason for SS to worry about the care of your daughter, this is about you finding some peace.

On a small note, many many people check their babies in the night, especially if they have had a tragedy before. This is not abnormal IMO.

Thank you for the replies.

I did try counselling, but basically I don't trust them. I tell them everything is fine even when it clearly isn't. I don't know why but I have a complete inability to open up and actually say what I feel.

Writing this post is probably the first time. Have ever been honest. My OH has no clue how anxious I get. I hope my daughter doesn't as I don't want to make her scared of doing anything.

why didnt you trust them?
what sort of counselling did you have?

I dont think its a trust issue but opening up means that you have to face your fears and i totally understand that - i spent two years avoiding my issues (health anxiety that has now spiralled into general anxiety) and talking about "problems" with my DP while i was undergoing counselling. I really think you would benefit from some medicinal help, to take the edge off of things which will aloow you to work through your feelings.

I don't know what type it was, it was when I was still in care, part of my 'programme' was to speak to a therapist once a week.

I don't know why I didn't trust her. This sounds so stupid when I write it down, but at the time it felt like she wasn't actually listening to what I said. She was just ticking boxes, twisting what I was saying until it matched what she wanted to label me with.

But thinking about it, that was 10 years ago now and I'm not a damaged kid anymore. Would my GP be able to refer me?

Thanks frustrated, now just to work up the courage to go to the GP.

I hope you're feeling better x

It doesn't sound stupid at all, but you are right, you are now a strong woman and a mum. You need to get well.

Your GP will refer you yes, that is what happened with me. I had an assesment and was recommended to have counselling.

Ah, im ok, the anxiety is always there and it can be a problem sometimes but i am much better these days, not on ADs or having any counselling just now. But i know that both are there if ineed it.

Maybe you were not ready to talk then, it may have just been too overwhelming when you were younger.

I think different counselling at different times in your life can be totally different experience.

I hope you feel able to go to the GP.

And also, maybe you were right, maybe that counsellor was just box ticking. But hopefully if you try again you will get somebody good this time who will help you talk.

I'm no expert but it sounds post traumatic stress disorder. Or at least how it was described to me.
I had close family loss (not in same league as yours) as a child and spend all my time waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Please seek specialist help. You don't want to spend your entire life feeling like this??

Fwiw, your anxiety is far from unwarranted.

Look after yourself

I agree that you may react differently to counselling now - you must have still been in complete shock (to say the least) still when you tried it before.

I would also like to say Well done for starting this thread and writing it down, that must have been a big step for you!

Much luck to you in somehow beginning along the road to a form of recovery x

I agree with everything sensible everyone has said already. I think it is an act of tremendous strength to write a post like this.

There was just one thing I wanted to point out. You don't have 'ridiculous unwarranted anxiety' as your title and the first line of your second para state. You have completely understandable, entirely warranted, horrible, terrifying fears based on actual events. You have lost so much already, of course you are terrified of losing anything again. And of course those losses will always be there. But I wonder if you need to talk more about your feelings about being bereaved than your anxiety, because until you can find a way of framing those losses in a way that feels safe for you of course you are going to carry on feeling scared about future losses.

with me , my gp referred me to a psychatrist (sp?)first,who then decided what course of treatment would be best- i refused the meds for personal reasons ,i know they work for a lot of people (including my sister)
i asked to see someone in particular as she had been recommended but the psych told me she didnt deal with my sort of problems anymore she was now a forensic clinical psychologist and wasnt taking on any more (normal)referals.
she was asked and agreed to see me- thank god
i saw her for years until she retired ,
so please bare in mind it might take a while to find what works for you but keep trying ,
and as previous posters have mentioned your fears have been proven so theyre not irrational.

My goodness, you have been through a lot, haven't you? :(

Nothing about your anxiety is "ridiculous" - if anything it's an entirely normal response given your history. But it's affecting your life & happiness so it's something you need to address. Your post is step one, step two is your GP.... who will understand, will listen and will not have any concerns about your child or your parenting. And neither would SS so that is one worry you should dismiss from your mind.

Anxiety is a natural human response to difficult situations. Sometimes, even though it's natural it can get out of control. You just need a bit of help getting your perspective back and learning news ways of thinking. CBT will certainly help with that. Bereavement counselling would also be a good thing to consider.

Good luck :)