Helping My Mum!

[JacquiKD]

Can anyone give me any guidance?

I will give you a "brief" (I will try to be as brief as possible) history of my mum's problem!

When I was 11 (I am now 34) she had a nervous breakdown - for anyone that doesn't understand the phrase - she virtually gave up on life - wouldn't do any of the normal day to day things that the rest of us do.

She did get over this after about a year and after being in and out of psychiatric hospital (very distressing for a 11 year old to have to deal with).

Ten days after my first child was born, she also suffered another nervous breakdown. Before I became pregnant, and while I was pregnant, she was so excited about becoming a grandmother. When the baby eventually arrived, after 10 days, she just gave up on all interest in life. She eventually got better after 18 months. One day she was very down, the next day totally "on the up" and just got better and better.

I think the reason for this breakdown was that, over a period of about 2 years, she went from having a house full of people to suddenly being on her own apart from my dad (who has since died - another story).

In the space of two years, I left home and got married, my brother left home and my grandad (who lived with us) died so she went from having a house with 5 people (actually normally 6 people when my husband stayed which he did most weekends). I think me having a baby tipped her over the edge as she thought perhaps I no longer needed her, although, to be honest, I needed her more after having a new baby, then ever before.

When my daughter was 18 months old, she suddenly got better. My dad had booked a holiday to South Africa and, because of the "state" of my mum, he said he would not be taking with her in her current condition. A week before they were due to go on holiday, she woke up one day (it really was that sudden) and felt a whole 110% better.

She started looking after my daughter two days a week while I worked part time and also my brother's girlfriend's daughter (if you can make sense of that).

After two years, my brother had a son and then two years later I also had a son so now my mum looked after 4 children - rough ages 7, 5, 3 and 1.

She did this two days a week with no problems.

In February 2000 my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. The day he died (he had never been ill before in his life and was only 56) I could see that we might be going the same route in that she would have a breakdown because of the shock. Over a period of about two weeks, she got worse and worse.

I became her crutch/support in that I started doing everything for her - taking her food shopping, picking her up, bring her to my house to feed her, running her back home again.

My brother's girlfriend and I swopped our days of working so we could look after each others children while my mum was so poorly.

I eventually got a sympathetic doctor involved and he prescribed medication. I had changed my summer holiday booking to take her with my family but about 8 weeks before we were due to go, I told her I was cancelling her place as I could not put my husband and children through it by taking her with us. She loves the sun and has always loved her holidays, but I know that she wouldn't enjoy herself and might end up ruining our holiday. This was one of the hardest things I had to do in telling her I was not now willing for her to come on holiday with us.

While I was in Kos, I rang my mum every day to see how she was and got the same old reply - "not too bad!".

The first day of our second week, I rang my mum and this time she replied that she felt 110% better and was getting her hair cut (which she hadn't had done for about 4 months), was going shopping to buy new clothes, etc. I couldn't wait to come home from Kos to meet the good old mum I have always known and loved.

That was July 2000.

In September she went on holiday to Majorca with her sister and also to Spain with my brother. She paid for me to go to New York Christmas Shopping (and we had a brilliant time).

She started looking after all the children again and last year paid for my husband, me and the two children to go to America for two weeks and then took me and the two children (my husband couldn't get the time off work) to Majorca for a week in August.

She was having such a lovely life - doing all the things that she has always loved doing.

In September last year, she met a "man friend" who she became quite close to. He lives up North (we live down South) and we always knew it would never be a permanent thing as he would never have considered moving down here and she would never have considered moving up there.

All the time he was staying with her, she was having such a lovely time and a very hectic social life. I had no problems with this - it was good to see her so happy again.

The week before Christmas he went home and she has not been able to get hold of him since (how and why we don't know).

I could see from the first day he went home that she was getting depressed again but when we asked her if she wanted to see a doctor or speak to someone she always said no.

We had a shitty (sorry about the language) Christmas and New Year and she has not improved since.

She has never liked the Christmas holidays really and also on the 29th December it would have been my mum and dad's wedding anniversary.

All the family thought that once we had got Christmas, the anniversary and New Year out of the way she would get better, but she hasn't.

Because I have been here three times in the past, this time I am not willing to be her crutch/support any more.

I have got three young children (new baby of 8 weeks) and am due back to work soon and have got enough of my plate without having to run round after her again.

If I felt I would be helping her by doing everything for her, then I would, but last time she actually became better while I wasn't even in the country.

How can I help her to help herself?

JacquiKd - What an awful time you, your Mum and family have been having, you really have my sympathy. I agree, you do have plenty on your plate with your own family and job, and can see how you don't have the physical, mental and emmotional strength to beable to support your Mother too, you must feel absolutely drained. At the same time though, your Mother really needs you, which is what makes it such a difficult and complex situation to deal with. I don't feel qualified enough to advise you, but do you think it might be worth you going along to see her GP (if you haven't already, of course) to explain her situation and see if she could be referred for further specialist help, perhaps with a counsellor or Psychiatric nurse who may beable to support her and help her to start getting in control of her life again. Perhaps her GP may beable to suggest suitable medication to help with her depression also.

And how are you coping? You sound very 'together' in you posting, but we can't really tell how you are feeling from that. Could you perhaps benefit from talking to someone too, to help get things off your chest and help you cope with the stress.

I'm really sorry I can't be of more help, but I really wish you and your Mum well, and hope things will soon start improving for you both.

Jacqui, You're so right, you have got enough on you plate with two young children and a newborn. You simply cannnot take this on. It will drain you to bits. You've somehow got to help her at a distance to keep yourself strong.

I wish I could offer lots of constructive suggestions, but I can't. As your mother is
is living alone, it seems even more urgent that she gets help. Can you make it your job to ask for it?

My mother became ill (a differnent sort of illness to yours) when I had a newborn and an older child. You have my deep sympathy. You end up running from pillar to post, don't you?

Can you ask any other family members of her own generation to step in? Perhaps stay with her for a few weeks?

Can you get in contact with her ex man friend, if you think this would do any good?

You say she was hospitilased the first time she had a breakdown, so in the past, she must have seen a doctor. Is she still with the same one? Whatever, you could consider making an appontment with her current GP to discuss your concerns about her.

I know this means going behind your mother's back. So, if you go down this route, it will be a very hard thing to do. Before it gets to this stage, can you make your mother understand that however much you love her, this time the needs of your three children prevent you from offering her the same support she has relied on in the past. You didn't ask for this situation to occur, it has just happened that way. Would this persuade her to seek a doctor's help for herself?

You could offer to go to the GP with her and be as on hand as possible throughout the next months, even if you can't be hands on all the time.

Hope you find things improve. You seem so very clear headed about this. Keep that way.

JacquiKd, sorry to hear about your situation, is your Mum currently on medication, if not she really needs to see the GP, why not go with her?

Why not speak to your Health Visitor, perhaps she can offer some help to your Mum, maybe with a regular visit from the community nurse, if there is one. R.

JacquiKd can I be really brutal?

You said your Mum got better the last time when you made the decision that you needed space, took charge and made her take responsibility for her own health? Now, I am not suggesting you abandon your Mum when she needs you most, but I am suggesting that you help her on your terms.

Looking in from the outside, it looks like your Mum does the attention seeking thing whenever things are getting too much, and like the wonderful daughter that you are - you respond how she wants and on her terms. I am not saying either that your Mum isn't ill, just that you have to take charge especially now you too are a Mum and have children depending on you to be there for them 100%.

Tell her when you'll visit, tell her what you will and wont do. If you feel you cannot leave her alone with the children, then dont and tell her why. Your Mum, like you is a fighter - she's survived all that life has thrown at her, so let her get on with it, she can do it, she's done it before.

If you think she might do herself harm, get in touch with the doctor again, but you need to get out of this destructive cycle otherwise you too will become ill - and then where will your children and your Mum be? I'm sorry if I've upset you, but sometimes it's what your best friend wont tell you, is exactly what you need to hear!!

I echo all the advice about going to see your mums GP; my MIL was diagnosed as an alcoholic, just after my FIL died last year. She has put us through hell, to be honest, but the one person I got a great deal of help, advice and comfort from, was her GP. If it hadn't been for him, I'd have cracked.
I think the GP ought to be your first person you contact. He or she will be able to help.
Lots of luck... and may the force be with you... sounds like you need a "virtual hug" from us all at the moment.

JacquiKD, what an awful situation. One thing is perfectly clear - this isn't something you can handle on your own. I think another party needs to be brought into the picture, as others have suggested: GP, psychiatrist, psychiatric nurse, social worker, whatever. There are voluntary agencies, too; have a look in your local phone book under charities. Your mum needs professional help - I wonder from your description whether she has a bi-polar illness, such as manic depression?

Perhaps you could talk it over with your family and decide on a plan of action about seeing her GP. A united front is always good. There are concerns about patient confidentiality etc but when someone is losing control of their life, then I think you are more than justified in expressing your concerns. This isn't something you should cope with in isolation, it would be better for your Mother and your family to get outside help. Best wishes, Sue.

Sorry, I just re-read what I wrote. It looks really terrible. By way of explanation, I just got back from talking to my new neighbour who has had the Christmas holiday from hell with new MIL and she has a a row with her husband - only child - when MIL tried to make her 2 year old lick up milk which he had spilt. Apologies, no relation to your problem, except perhaps the 'control' element. Virtual hug on its way.

Kia, lick up milk she had spilt! That's one scary MIL! R

Kia, far from feeling bad about your message, I think you may have done Jacqui a favour, by spotting this pattern in her Mum's behaviour. Like you, I'm not for one minute suggesting that her Mum isn't genuinely depressed, but it seems that a cycle has been established here that Jacqui is no longer able to support.
Sometimes I think we go on repeating the same behaviours until something external forces us to change. Jacqui's life is busier and more stressful than it's ever been, so this time she can't just drop everything to support her Mum.
Jacqui, please take care of yourself, you have so much to deal with. Try not to succumb to guilt, talk to your Mum's GP and see what help is available.

JacquiKD, it looks like you're getting a pretty united opinion from us here!

Can I just add a little bit more in support of what others are saying. IMO this pattern of dependency is not just between you and your mum.
It also includes your extended family and friends. Are you seen as the strong one? someone to whom others turn? From reading your other posting, this does come across.

If this is the case, IMO, it is all to easy for others to assume you are always ready and willing to take on family burdens. It suits them to see you as strong - lets them off the hook. Now might be a very good time to broadcast to friends, and especially to family, that you are not a superwoman and you will not take on the role of 'the family rock'.

Tell them you are exhausted with the new baby, suffering stress over sorting out childminding for your other two and dreading the prospect of returning to work. Lay this on thick. Even if you feel you can manage, as always, this is not what you want others to assume. You need those offers of help and support. The more you are seen to manage, the more others will rely on you,and the pattern will continue. This happened to my mother, who ended up nursing both my grandmother and my father while the rest of the family (with a few notable exceptions) looked on.

Your mother sounds like she is a lively and sociable person, so I assume she has friends of her own. Can you turn to them for help? Can they help take your mother to routine doctor's appointments, regularly visit her etc, then let you know if they need your help? With no young children to care for, chances are they have far more time on their hands than you.

I hope your mother has a good GP and any health visitors and social workers you involve get their act together for you and your mother. IMO this is not always the case. So this is another reason to beware of telling the world you can cope.

In my case, it took lots of heavy persuasion before my mother's GP surgery took her health problems seriously. Initially, we had to wait weeks for appointments and tests, when we should have waited days. Her GP was not to blame - she quickly became involved, once she saw how ill my mother was getting, but she was extremely overworked and the appointment system at the surgery was a disgrace. As for social worker visits and geriatric support, this took ages to set up, and the level of support all depended on doctors assessments, which seemed to take forever. It was obvious that the social services deparment hadn't the budget to offer all the help that was needed, even they acknowledged this. Things did work out, but it took the intervention of a cousin of mine and some private health care to make it happen.

I'm sorry if this is depressing reading. Your doctor's surgery and social services department may be far better at helping you.

Best of luck

Hi Jacquikd, I was wondering about you the other day, pleased to hear of your new arrival, but as for everything else-argh!
I can't really add much more as I agree with everything said so far, but just to follow on from Tigermoth a little. I really do think you must be such a strong person and you need to look after yourself first and foremost in this situation - I'd keep asking for as much help, support and advice as you can from everyone you can think of and not worry about putting on anyone (as Tigermoth says). Sharing the burden will help and give you time to sort out the other things going on in your life (from your other thread - if I can just add here I'd not go through with the christening if you can at all postpone it for the time being, it really isn't that important compared to other things you have to deal with).

All I can say is good luck, but I meant what I said about thinking of you so I hope you keep posting as you are seen as a 'real' person here...

Jaquidk, see my note on your other thread. Think about yourself and your children. You cannot solve your mothers problems, you really do have enough on your plate. I agree with Kia, and it does sound brutal, but in my personal experience the more one does in this situation the less they do for themselves. That doesn't mean you abandon her, it simply means you think about you! Best Wishes, Winnie

I have only just been able to log on and feel such strength coming from your messages.

I am definitely going to phone my doctor and see if they can help.

Last time she was "poorly" I had difficulty in finding a doctor sympathetic to her needs. Eventually, I struck lucky and this one particular doctor was very sympathetic and seemed to be able to take some of the responsibility for her.

I think you are quite right in that all the time I come over as being the strong one so therefore it is me that gets "dumped on" every time.

My mum has a sister who visits every Tuesday and also her mum still alive, but I find that both my aunt and nan find her hard to deal with - all they seem to do is cry when they talk about my mum.

My brother moved to Birmingham last August and, at Christmas, when he came to visit, he mentioned to my husband(?!?) that he is thinking of moving back to London to be with my mum as he finds it hard to deal with as he is so far away. My husband told my brother that they would be totally the wrong thing to do. If things aren't working out in Birmingham, then by all means move back, but not just because he feels he is being emotionally black-mailed.

My brother is a totally different kettle of fish to me - he is very "emotional" and "sensitive" and gets upset very easily.

When I got my baby daughter weighed at the baby clinic on Tuesday, I mentioned to my health visitor about all the problems I am having at the moment. She said that if I wanted to speak to someone, I could but I said that actually I feel fine in myself and am coping quite happily with the children, etc. It is just that I am so concerned about my mum.

My health visitor told me to take a step back from my mum - however hard this is, this would be better in the long term.

My mum has a circle of about 5 very close friends.

We all went out for a meal at Christmas just after the "man friend" had moved back up north. Every one mentioned how "quiet" my mum was but didn't really think anything of it.

My mum went to the bar towards the end of the evening and admitted to one of her friends that it is because of this "man friend" that she is feeling so down but if I ask her about this, she denies it, even though I know that is a factor.

Last Thursday I had one of her friends phone me up to see how my mum was and also, last night, another of her friends rang.

They said that they had tried phoning my mum but that she didn't really want to talk on the phone. Normally my mum is very sociable but, because these friends know my mum's history, I told them not to take it personally, it is just the way she is at the moment (although they do know what she is like).

Thanks for all your advice.

Jacqui