diabetes

[susanann]

Hi everyone. Im at a loss at how to deal with my situation. Any advice please?
My fiance (getting married May 2013) is diabetic. He was overweight when I met him but he seems to be getting fatter! It is causing problems. Firstly he has ED (erectile dysfunction) secondly its not attractive and thirdly obviously its very bad for his health. I suggested back in August that we go on a healthy eating plan, I wanted to loose about 10lbs and be healthier too. So we started this. I have lost over a stone and he has put on 9lbs!!!! I have tried talking to him, being encouraging, nagging him. Nothing seems to work. Re the ED i have been understanding as I know making an issue of it has the opposite effect. But I have had enough now. He said he would "please me in other ways", which he did for a while but not now. We have tried viagra and other tablets like that, they sometimes work but not always. He also snores for england. All these issues could be helped by him loosing weight but he doesnt seem interested. I realise he could be depressed. I really have tried to get him to talk but he says "it will get better", "I will loose the weight/start exercising" etc etc but nothing changes! I would say he needs to loose 1 and half to 2 stone. He is a wonderful man and we are so good together and I love him so much, but this is driving us apart. We are both in our early 50s. I feel like saying loose the weight or the wedding is off. This may sound stupid but its really getting me down. He looks like hes pregnant. Any ideas ?

No I dont want that. I think hes in denial.

Definitely tell him how you feel. That the wedding is off until he manages to get healthier. That its unfair to be a wife to a man who can't even manage sex and that you are scared of waking up next to a dead husband. It's harsh but he needs to see the reality, rather than relying on your love to fix him. Drive out to the wilds and do compulsory walks on Sunday afternoons, get active. Be tough but be his incentive.

Thank you chestnut I will think about your suggestions. Am getting close to putting the wedding on hold.

Is your fiancé type 1 or type 2 (diabetes)? If the latter, you might be interested in looking at a low carb/high fat diet for the both of you. It can regulate blood sugar and consequent insulin levels and help people to reduce, or even quit, their diabetes medications (with the approval of your Dr, of course). It' also a very easy diet to follow, in my experience, although the first couple of weeks can be tough when withdrawing from sugar and simple carbs. It's not for everyone, but if you enjoy eating good proteins like steak, roast chicken and so on, it might be an easy way to drop the weight at the same time as improving blood sugar/insulin regulation.

Exercise is of course good for you, but not terribly effective when it comes to weight loss. Diet is the thing to concentrate on. Gay Taubes 'Why We Get Fat (and what to do about it)' is a good book to read for the science behind weight loss.

I agree you should tell him how you feel - but throw him a lifeline by suggesting a way he can lose the weight without suffering - if he's had weight issues all his life, the idea of a 'diet' may fill him with dread and fear of deprivation. It doesn't have to be like that. Wishing you both all the best.

thanks furry. its type 2. I thought that exercise along with the sensible diet would be needed ? Unfortunately he likes his "treats", but too often! eg. full fat cappachino, cakes, fried breakfasts. He does know how I feel and promises to change, but doesnt! i met a friend for lunch today and shes suggested writing him a letter but also putting positive things in it, like its only cos I love you so much that I care. Thanks for your suggestion.

ok Ive written him a letter telling him to imagine a scenario where I basically find him dead beside me one morning! Told him hes got to loose a stone and then I will consider marrying him, till then the wedding is on hold. Tough, maybe but I cant get through to him. Hopefully this will work.

I eat a fried (egg, bacon, mushrooms) breakfast every day when low carbing - and it really sets me up for the day, I usually don't feel the need to eat again until dinner time, so it might suit him. He could have double cream in his coffee (no real sugar though), and there are ways of making things like low carb cheesecakes - it really is an indulgent way of losing weight - BUT you have to understand the principles behind it or it's too easy to make mistakes in what you eat.

Exercise would be great for his heart and so on, but you have to do a ridiculous amount of it for the calorie deficit to make much impact on weight - plus it tends to build up an appetite, so that's not ideal!

I can see where youre coming from Footle re his motivation but ive tried everything I can think of! His eyesight is not good. His feet arent too bad, he looks after those. I know that diabetes is a progressive condition and that it will only get worse, another reason for him to try and at least slow it down. He pretty much said what you have that hes got to do it for himself but I still dont think Im getting through to him!

just had a long chat with my mum. she said think about it, dont do anything rash. Which I understand, but should I have to put up with this? She also said at his age (51) she cant see him changing and if I love him maybe I should basically put up with it. Having said this she is married to my step dad, who is a selfish arrogant pig! I wish she would leave him, but thats another post! lol.
I will have some money coming to me early next year so it would be financially viable for me to leave. It does mean that im stuck here till it comes through though. Mum says stop nagging him and see how it goes but its so hard!

thanks for your input. I will certainly think about what youve said.

thanks footle . what you said is very interesting.I have some serious decisions to make. x