Is there anyone out there who feels like me?
I desperately want to feel I'm not alone.
Since my DS was born last year, and I lost huge amounts of weight very quickly through breastfeeding, I've realised I have to be honest and stop the secrets and lies about my eating habits.
I've had depression on and off since my late teens, and was also diagnosed with PND and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the months after my DS was born. In one of the recent appointments with my community treatment team, I saw a specialist who, on top of other assessments, wanted to establish where I was at and what my needs are. During her assessments, she asked how I felt about myself - not a new question for me! - but for the first time in my life, I admitted just why I am so disgusted with myself; how I have secret food stashes over the house and try to dispose of the evidence unseen; how I tell myself every single night that I need to stop - I'm not stupid, I know precisely what I'm doing, how much I've lost control over my weight, and just how serious the assocaited health risks are - but every day I lose my resolve, and hate myself more. I despise who and what I am, and my disgust consumes me.
The specialist mentioned compulsive behaviours commonly associated with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and briefly mentioned how eating disorders aren't just about being underweight, and that there are such things as Compulsive Eating Disorder and Binge Eating Disorder.
I've done some reading up and so many articles could be describing me rather than issues in general. I'm not into self-diagnosing but wonder if anyone else out there feels like me, or knows anything more about these conditions.
Once upon a time, I was slim. Now I am obese, ashamed and feel like a total embarrassment and failure. I am desperately low, and wonder just how disgusting I will let myself become before I find some control. Will my husband ever know the slim me?
I'd love to hear from anyone out there, I feel so isolated and alone :-(((