DM has cancer - what do I tell DD (7) and BTW what the hell else can go wrong with my family health???

[BirdyBedtime]

DM got the results of a biopsy yesterday and has Grade 1 Lobular carcinoma. I am still a bit numb and unsure of what is going to happen. She has to have an MRI and then will get surgery and follow-up treatment so the next few months are going to be pretty grim. I live about 3 hours away so will have to think about how to visit and offer support from a distance.

We'll deal with it just like we have everything else that's been thrown at us since Nov last year (DH's infected toes followed by horrendous chickenpox almost leading to hospitalisation, loss of FiL, DS diagnosed with lazy eye, my thyroid eye disease and dad's heart bypass!!!) BUT I am really unsure what to tell DD (7) (DS at 3 is really too young to understand). With dad it was relatively easy to explain that his heart wasn't working properly and he had to have an operation to make it better but I am really struggling to think of a way to explain cancer without scaring her, and would really appreciate any suggestions.

I tell you the last 10 months have been bloody horrendous and I am beginning to feel that one more thing is just going to be too much to deal wiht.

Sorry to hear about your catalogue of problems, Birdy. Hopefully 2013 will be a better year for you and your family.

As for what to tell your daughter, there's some good information on the Macmillan website.

www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Livingwithandaftercancer/Relationshipscommunication/Talkingtochildren/Talkingaboutyourcancer.aspx#DynamicJumpMenuManager_6_Anchor_3

Including the following:

Children need some information about the name of the cancer, where it is in the body and how it?ll be treated. Here are some examples of how you can explain cancer to young children:

??I have a lump growing inside my body (explain which part) that shouldn?t be there. It?s called cancer and I?m going to have an operation to take it away. After that, the doctor will give me medicine so that the lump doesn?t come back.?

??I have an illness called cancer. The doctor is giving me medicine to help me get better. The medicine might make me feel sick or tired some days, but other days I?ll feel fine.?

?If your child asks you what cancer is - ?Our bodies are made up of lots of tiny things called cells. They all have a different job to make our bodies work and keep us healthy. Cancer is when some cells in the body stop working properly and stop the healthy cells from doing their jobs. The cancer cells can grow into a lump.?

Children, particularly those under 10 years old, often worry about things like causing the cancer or catching it. All children need reassurance that:

?nothing they, or anyone else, did or thought caused the cancer
?cancer isn?t like a cold and you can?t catch it - it?s okay to sit close, hug or kiss
?there will always be someone to take care of them
?they can always ask you questions and talk to you about how they feel
?you?ll listen to their worries and try to help them to cope.

Best wishes to you and your mum.

Thanks so much Numberlock - these suggestions will really help.

So very sorry. Numberlock puts it perfectly.

Hi I went through this with my Mum last year, my Dad died 10 years ago so I was her main support. She had 2 surgeries and radio and is now on drugs with nasty side effects but to be honest we have now forgotten about the cancer altogether. You will get through it and come out the other end. My Mum is fine now, she is back to normal and she got through it with no problems, and she is 77 :)

I didn't even tell my DD (who was 10 at the time) about what was wrong with my Mum, just that she was ill, had to go to hospital etc. My Mum had asked me not to tell her because she didn't want her to be too worried and I respect her right to privacy.

Maybe ask your Mum what she would like as regards what to tell you children.

Good luck to you and your Mum, I really recommend the forums on the Breast Cancer Care website, there is a section for relatives/carers and also lots of info on treatments. The helpline is also really useful, you can ring them with any questions.
The 'Tamoxifen' thread on here was also a great support, I think it's still going now, some fabulous ladies who have been through it all with lots of good advice to anyone who posts.

Take care of yourself too. You have been through an awful lot and it can really take it's toll on you. I had a similar couple of years and developed really bad anxiety and cut myself from a lot of people.

Try to find sometime for yourself and plan some things to look forward to (I know that seems like the least of your worries now).

My sister had grade 3 breast cancer a few years ago and the grandchildren were told what was happening and what the treatment would entail. I think it's best to be as matter of fact as you can as sometimes children get anxious if they aren't given the full information and imagine that it is actually worse than it is.

I have 3 children (15, 13 and 7) and currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer. We sat the older 2 down and told him everything that was happening as my breast care nurse had told me to be as honest as I can be with them. With my DD who is 7 we just told her that mummy had a bad lump which needed to be removed and that the chemo was to try and stop it coming back. Children take things very much in their stride.

Grade 1 cancer is very treatable as it is slow growing so that is a very positive thing.

Will be thinking of your mum and your family.

A friend with a 6yo has cancer. She told her DS that she was ill, the doctors would give her medicine that would help her get better but that it would make mummy very tired and might make her hair fall out. He's taken this onboard and seems fine with it. I said the same to my two (6 and 4) and they have never mentioned it again or said anything about her headscarves (we see her every day). I think so long as you are factual and keep it simple you can't go wrong.

Very unmumsnetty hugs to you all.

very sorry to hear about your mum birdy on top of all the other stuff,it must feel like a last straw- Framey is right- the tamoxifen thread is going strong and can offer lots of handholding and advice and generally keep your spirits up- you'd be very welcome. As gracie says grade 1 cancers are slow growing and treatment is amazingly effective.

link to tamoxifen thread here

Thanks all for the advice (and hugs).

I don't think I could get away with not telling DD anything. Even though we we live a bit away so don't actually see my parents very frequently we talk on the phone often, and DD is very perceptive so will definitely know something is going on, paticularly if I go on an uplanned visit. Hopefully once my mum has her MRI scan this week and we know a bit more I'll find a way (with all of your helpful suggestions) to talk to her in the right way.

I do feel a bit like we've been through the mill recently. We actually had to cancel a very long awaited weekend away without the DCs when FIL died last year, and the rearranged trip is actually in a month's time - we are still planning to go as mum wouldn't want us to cancel again.

According to my sister (who lives nearby) mum is a bit in denial (she had convinced herself that the biopsy results would be fine, and is refusing to use the word cancer) although I am sure that is perfectly normal in the circumstances. I know that breast cancer survival rates are very high nowadays and am taking comfort from that, and the fact it is Grade 1. I might make a visit to the Tamoxifen thread as suggested.

Another from Tamoxifen thread Birdy. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I told my DS that I'd been lucky, as cancer cells can make you very ill if you don't get find them early enough, but as mine had been found I needed an op, then to take some nasty medicine to make sure it had all gone, but then would be okay. I also told him that Breast Cancer affects one in eight women at some point during their life to normalise it a bit.

I think it's important to be honest, but you can genuinely stress the positive rather than the negative and Grade 1 mean's your mum has a great prognosis. It's undeniably tough, but honestly if she can get through the treatment the odds are v.much on her side.