Anyone else have a partner with cancer who wouldn't mind talking

[Wills]

How do you do it? Its like being on a roller coaster. The emotional ups and downs are knackering. DH has had cancer now for 10 years but its always been contained and under control. They found another lump yesterday but it looks as though its moving out of the controlled area (i.e. his bladder) and is therefore moving to a new level of seriousness. We have to wait for the results which should be back in a week. I'm 28 weeks pregnant with our third and therefore not at the most emotionally stable point anyway, but my brain's gone into overdrive with the what ifs. Desperately don't want dh to see my cry.

I'm estranged from my mum and just don't know where to turn.

Wills

No I don't know what you are going through regarding the cancer. I think I can relate to your fears and your despair a bit. The other parts of your post are very close to my heart though and I have my own worries about my very sick teenage daughter.
I am not you though so won't pretend I know how you are feeling. I wish I could comfort you and I'm sure someone else will
I hope you will find some comfort on here and that you can find a way through this time.
Please take care
xxx

Oh Wills, I don't have a partner with cancer myself but I hope you don't mind my posting. I'm so sorry you have to live like this.

Why don't you want you DH to see you cry? It's not such a bad thing surely? I imagine if I were the patient I wouldn't mind my DH crying, it would reassure me that he truly loved me and give me an opening to talk with him.

Surely it's healthy to cry?

Agreed anorak except I feel he has his own battles to face and that one of them shouldn't be feeling guilty over making his partner cry.

giddy1. I think to have one of my children ill in such a way would be worse - you have my heartfelt sympathies giddy1

Men are different though anorak and there are very few women, let alone blokes, around with your levels of wisdom, empathy and compassion :)
Wills, I am so very sorry to hear this latest blow. What wretched news :(
You could try CATing martianbishop, have not seen her around today, but I know she and her dh have lived with leukaemia for some years.
Or, providing you don't feel uncomfortable with this, I think you should contact CancerBACUP to see if they have a befriending scheme that might give you someone locally to have a coffee and a good weep with. I know from my SANDS experience that while good friends to support you in a crisis are vital, sometimes what you really need is someone who has walked the line. XXX

Oh the poor man. How awful that he might feel guilty! But you know your own husband and how best to handle him, of course.

Have you got people you can go to see and cry with when you need to? Friends and family nearby? If not it might help to have a chat with a GP or priest?

You absolutely need some support.

Bless you Marina, what a lovely thing to say.

Dear Wills

I don't have experience of a partner with cancer but my DH was diagnosed with a chronic and potentially debilitating condition (it is impossible to forecast) over 8 years ago and I can totally totally understand where you are coming from.

I think dealing with a partner's health is more difficult than dealing with your own. I think the \link{http://www.memorialhospital.org/Library/general/stress-THE-3.html\stages of grief} describe what I go through every time there is a change in DH's health or I become more aware of his limitations and maybe there is a resonance for you .. maybe understanding that what you feel is natural and normal will help you cope more easily ... because when all is said and done all you can do is cope with it each stage at a time

thinking of you

You're right over walking the line - spot on thks Marina. Ks - I know, I'm off for my first antenatal appointment tomorrow so maybe I'll track an HV down then but Marina's probably closer with the idea of Cancer thingy - just that last time I did'n't find anything.

It is completely true though anorak :) Your advice always full of perceptiveness and humanity :)

wills - worth investigation in your new location maybe, though? That part of the UK very communally/community-minded IME and it could well be there is a thriving partner support scheme in Thanet.
Was hoping Twig might see your post too. XXX

Hi there, just found this post.

Dh and I have been living with cancer now for over 12 years. Initaily he has testicular cancer, whicgh was treated and just when he was given the 10 year all clear from that he was found to have a chronic form of leukemia. ATM, than god, he is fine, biut it is a slowly progressive disease.

He has also had other medical 'gitches' of a serious nature so I do understand what you must be feeling at the moment, sad, angry, helpless, wanting to run away (where to?), wanting to lash out.

Poor love, I wish I could make it all better for you {sad}, but all I can do is send you a hug.

One thing that I found very helpful, at the peak of my blind panic phase, was to ask the GP to refer me to the community psychatric nurse, who was very helpful. Like you I was pg at the time. FWIW, it does get better when you are not awash with hormones.

Hugs to you both, and let me know if I can be of help

Hi. I don't have any experience myself, but have worked in the field (for Macmillan) and I wondered if you had considered giving their telephone lines a call, so that you have someone who can give you info / emphathise with you /cry with you?

Their number is on their website.

Thinking of you XXXX

Hi martianbishop/peachyclair. Thank you. I had my first midwife appointment yesterday and burst into tears on her. Luckily she knows me from my previous two children and was absolutely wonderful. Like you she said the hormones are not helping.

I find myself planning how to cope with him gone and feel that I've almost buried him and we've yet to get the results. Found myself telling his mum (we're very close) that she wasn't to let me get depressed and to help me ensure the kids still had a wonderful childhood. She barely blinked thank god. She's had 4 children herself and understands the onslaught of hormones.

I had been seeing a councellor over my mother (another thread completely!) and although I hadn't seen her for ages I'm booked in for next monday evening. Can't wait to see her. But even without the hormones and even if (fingers crossed) this calms back down its the living with it thats difficult. Friends rush to your side but I'd love to find a group of people that I can share this with rather than inform and receive sympathy. If you see what I mean. I'm going to contact CANCERBACUP as Marina has suggested. The reason I haven't yet is that I'm knackered. Midwife thinks my iron levels are probably very low. me, I think its a mixture of pregnancy insominia, 2 children taking up residence in our bed (despite us putting them back each time they seem to have a kind of jack in box string attachment and reappear), bad back ache, awful thoughts and possibly a low iron count.

Sorry moan over.

I was coming back here to see how you are doing Wills :( and you still have a few days before you get the results, too.
Wish there was something more I could do to help. Thank goodness you have a great-sounding and unflappable MIL.
I also hope CancerBACUP can help you. I did google your destination yesterday but could not see anything promising enough to just post a link to. As PC suggested, maybe this is a phone-up jobby - sometimes the net does not deliver.
Lots of love XXX
It was like Pigpile in our house at 6am this morning - what is it with small children? They both have gorgeous, spacious billets elsewhere . I was woken by dd smacking me smartly round the chops and crooning "wake up mummy, I need a wee-wee".

Wills

don't apologise for 'moanng', we're more than happy to listen. And it's not moaning, it's voicing your concerns in a sympathetic environment XX

That's lovely - many thanks.

I contacted Cancerbacup - finally. Stunningly enough she's just round the corner from where I work. I'm off to see her on Monday. Hopefully she can put me in touch with others.

- glad for you.