Need to rant about people's insensitivity - birth injuries and more children

[cardamomginger]

Morning Everyone,

Need to have a rant. I gave birth to DD 21 months ago (to the day!) and sustained multiple serious birth injuries. This was devastating and had/still has a profound impact on my emotional state and on my confidence in my ability to parent DD. I had my first major operation in November last year and had my second, and hopefully last, 10 days ago. My surgeon is very confident of an excellent result and that this should, indeed, by my final operation.

I've only recently been discharged from hospital, but already I have had 2 people asking me when I am going to have another baby. I am in pain, I am still scared (I trust my surgeon, but after the shock of the birth I don't trust anyone 100%), I have PTSD that I haven't yet addressed. I desperately want to be healthy and well and complete and to have a proper relationship with my daughter and my husband. I want to be normal and just do normal things and try and have a normal life away from hospitals and tests and pain. I want this behind me.

I can't think about another baby at the moment, but do people just not get this? I am terrified of the thought of another pregnancy. My surgeon will do an ELCS, but I am still scared of the possibility that pregnancy could compromise the repairs. And I just don't think that right now I can give my body over to someone else (i.e. the baby) again. I need to be cardamom for a while. Have a break from it all.

But I am going to be 41 this year, so I know that even if we were to get cracking on TTC as soon as I am fully healed, my chances of conceiving are low. Do I want another baby? How badly do I want another baby? What am I willing to put myself through to get another baby? I don't know. But I wish people would get out of my face. I'm in a culture where larger families are the norm, but surely the most important thing is that I am healthy and that my existing family is healthy and happy?

Really upset!

Thanks for reading.

Tell them that they are upsetting you and ask if they have forgotten what you have been through.

I am sorry that you went through that. It is a horrible experience and it is going to take time to process it all.

Just explain that you are recovering from surgery to put your body back together after the last baby - it's a bit much to think about wrecking it again so quickly.

And if that doesn't work, tell them it isn't any of their bloody business and to back off (in as polite or otherwise a manner as required).

So sorry to hear that you've had such a rough time, btw.

Who are the people asking you about no.2 baby? Friends? Strangers? I would tell strangers to f*ck off. I would tell friends what i ve been through and hope they offer support and understanding. I would ditch any friends that show no compassion or sympathy.

I know I should say that, but I know that if I say that they are upsetting me I will start crying and I'm very particular about who I will cry in front of! Maybe I need to just cry and then they will see. Thank you X

They are friends. And they do know what I've been through. I guess that they feel that the whole point of having an intact and functioning reproductive system is to bang out more kids, so now that I am repaired, that should be my number one priority.
But even though they know what I've been through, they don;t really know - one has no children, and the other has 5 kids and as she says she shelled them like peas....

You do need time to recover. My friend had 8 years inbetween babies because it took that long for her to get over the trauma of her emergency c-section. Give yourself another 6 months , have some counselling maybe, and then see how you feel. As you are older you don't have the option of leaving it for a few years, but you could take year and allow yourself to really heal. (I had both my dds in my forties easily btw). You may never want another baby, or you may decide to take the plunge. I had a fairly frightening time with DD1, but luckily I got pregnant on the first attempt with dd2, I think I might have lost my nerve if it had taken ages, even though I knew I had to get on with it timewise if I wanted two.
Tell any friend who asks that you have to properly recover from your op before you even think about conceiving again.

That must be so upsetting for you

My friend always vowed never to have children, and would get really angry if we tried to talk her into it. Last year, she pregnant, and everyone was so happy and excited, she is 41. Sadly, she lost her baby at 18 weeks, it was obviously very traumatic for her and her DP. Since it happened, I am really keen for her to try again, it would be so sad if that was her only experience of motherhood. I have to really bite my tongue, and not mention it, she hasn't mentioned it to anyone else either. I spied a tub of folic acid on her kitchen side, and just pretended not to see it. The pressure must be immense for her, its like her family and friends are holding their breath, but we just have to respect her and keep out traps shut.

You need some recovery time, they were wrong to hassle you. Wish I could help you feel better in some way.

I have a friend who had one child and then a molar pregnancy. She had an awful time with it - the D&C wasn't enough, she needed chemo as well, and the first one made her so ill that they tried a different one that made her really ill but without the abdominal pain. She wanted to die halfway through her treatment, it was so bad (sick all day every day while having it). She vowed never to get pg again because she was no kind of mum to the DC she already had - she couldn't do it again, couldn't put the child through it and couldn't risk her own health that way - it really knocked her for 6.

Most people understood but some kept saying "oh but DC1 should have a brother or sister" - very unfeeling and completely ridiculous of them to interfere in her very sane life choice.

Thanks everyone. It's helpful to have your support. DD is gorgeous and I feel so lucky and blessed to have her. If she is "all" we have, then this is still more than I every dreamed of.

Thanks footle! I'm an only and the idea of 'just' one has never been weird for me. Not been on the prolapse thread for a while - hope everyone is doing well there . X

Best wishes for a speedy recovery Cardamom. I think I understand where you are coming from a bit though my own experience has been very different to yours. I was diagnosed with epilepsy after DD's birth . It was very hard to get it under control with meds and was extremely severe for quite a long time. I'm doing well now, but now that I'm not having multiple seizures every day (and even when I was) friends and family are asking when no.2 will be on its way as if the only function of my recovery was to enable me to pop out another kid. Like you I want to just lead a normal life for a bit, get some balance and calm and perspective and then make a decision in the fullness of time because DH and I have both been through the mill with this.

Why not just say that? 'I need some time to recover for me first before we even think about whether we want another child.' and leave it at that. Make it clear that whether you want more children or not is a decision for you and your DH to make, and that the point of your recovery was just that: Recovery, not necessarily more babies. Hopefully they'll have the sense to shut up at that point.

You sound like you're doing so well. I'd second telling strangers to naff off and explaining to friends. I think more people should speak out about this.

DD is 17 months and I am constantly asked when we'll have number 2. Given I spent 4 days in labour, three of those in hospital strapped to a monitor and after all that I had a EMCS, I don't really fancy putting myself in for that right now, or in the immediate future.

Penelope - that's awful. Glad you are doing well now.

Exactly - we just need a bit of normal, boring, everydayness!