How can I help ill father-in-law who is thousands of miles away?

[twoturtledoves]

My father-in-law has cancer, for which he is currently having treatment, and he is going to undergo some very invasive treatment soon. My husband and I live two thousand miles away, so we're really feeling the distance at the moment. We will see him next month but each day brings different problems for him at the moment, and other than send him things to cheer him up, I'm struggling to think what we can do. If I was nearer, I'd go to visit. Does anyone have any ideas other than sending his grandchildren's artwork/skyping etc?

Thanks in advance.

My dad has terminal cancer and also lives thousands of miles away. It's not easy, is it. I certainly don't have the answers and am looking forward to more advice from others here, but FWIW here is what I've been doing (and it feels nowhere near enough, let me tell you)

• I make sure I ring him every day even if it's only for 5 minutes. I try to talk about normal life stuff as well as The Cancer, to try and keep him interested in life around him. Skyping with the DGC's at least a couple of times a week.
• I try to make sure my mum (his main carer) takes time for herself - to the point of emailing one of their friends and setting up a time the friend can be at the house with Dad so Mum can go for a walk/ swim/ shopping/ coffee/ whatever.
• For Father's Day on Sunday we're sending him a basket of yummy favourite things to eat - important for him to keep his weight up!
• I try to keep on top of (or at least aware of) main treatment dates and so on - ask lots of questions.
• My parents are cheapskates and never spend money on anything but I opened a mini-cab account for them to go back and forth to hospital. Parking is atrocious there, and I just know they would try to do it on public transit to save a few pennies, exhausting my Dad in the process and possibly worse (he is walking with a stick now, v. unsteady on his feet due to cancer having spread to his bones). I think having the account has made them slightly more likely to think about taking a taxi... time will tell.
• that's about it really.

Sorry about your DFIL OP, hope it all works out for him and it sounds like he has a lovely daughter-in-law.

Oh, and do not let your DFIL underestimate the amount of help he might need post-op. We sorted out some in-home care, not quite nursing, but just general help with bathing, laundry, changing sheets, food preparation and so on (my mum was in hospital at the time herself, talk about bad timing!!!). It was a godsend and my folks are still in touch with the lovely lady who looked after him.

Thanks Hearts, that's helpful. What I find hardest is how much I should talk about the cancer and how much we should just talk about normal stuff. Feels like I'm getting it wrong whatever I do! I like your point about the help he will need post-op - I will have a talk to my husband about that and see what we can organise. It's all very hard on his wife and I think she puts on a brave face but really she can't possibly do everything herself.

twoturtle - so sorry you are going through this .

Regarding talking about it ,the most common advice given seems to be to try and follow the person's lead .
So mention it and and try and respond appropriately ?

Sorry ,not very helpful but just thought I'd mention .

So true, Turtles. It might be easier for me to talk to my DF about it because he is my DF, if you see what I mean. I can push and get a bit stroppy with him in a way that I would not feel comfortable with my DFIL.

Definite yes to help in the home. Guessing that your dad's partner is at least in her 50's, just the sheer volume of work taking care of someone... what I saw it would exhaust a hale and hearty 20 year old! Imagine a very demanding 3 year old, who you can't fob off with CBeebies. [kidding]

Footles, what a gorgeous thing to say. Thank you