Can't sleep without orgasm first :S

[jenjen1975]

I am actually cringing as I write this. Have been struggling to sleep for a good 4-5 years now, once am asleep I am fine but getting to sleep is a real problem. The only way I found I could get to sleep was to have an orgasm either with my partner or by myself, it seemed to relax me and then I was able to drift off.

Problem is now that I literally cannot sleep without having one first (I know I sound really really weird). I haven't told my partner as I am just too embarrassed, I just make sure we go to bed seperately so I can do whatever I need to :S and then I am asleep when he comes to bed. Not healthy for either of us.

Am fed up of it, pleasure has gone out of sex, my libido has disappeared, I can't sleep without doing it and am just at my wits end really. Tried sleeping tablets to get me off to sleep but to no avail. It is like a habit that I just cannot break. I dread going to bed now.

Any advice?? I daren't discuss with my GP and it has taken a real bold step to post on here as am mortified. Nobody knows, have never confided in anyone.

Is it habit?

I had a problem with sleep, and I had to break the cycle of what I was doing everynight to be able to get to sleep normally.

It may be hard but after a few nights it will get easier.

Have you tried talking to your partner?

Is there anything else that relaxes you? Hot bath then bed maybe?

I don't think it's that weird actually. Sleeping better after an orgasm is normal I think, and as you say, it's just become habit, a crutch IYSWIM. I have got addicted to particular 'crutches' to help me sleep in the past - not the same ones but they were just as upsetting and addictive.

You really need to tell your partner though. You have nothing to be embarrassed about and surely he is feeling rejected if you are going to sleep without him? Maybe knowing the reason will bring you closer again. After all, he may be able to help :o

Seriously though I do think you should tell him as you say this is affecting your sex life.

I don't see the problem.

Or rather, I think your problem is your reaction to this, rather than the thing itself, iykwim.

Can't you just go with it? I would have thought your partner would have been delighted to help out.

Thanks for replying.

BonkeyMollocks (great name BTW) - I have tried everything to relax, hot baths, reading, warm milky drink etc but the minute I get into bed, no matter how tired I am I just wake up PING! And yes it is definitely habit. I always think I won't do it tonight and then after an hour of laying there it just seems the easiest option.

Fuzzpig - I can talk to my partner about anything, except this. I am just too mortified that it has been going on for such a long time and he will feel rejected.

rockinastocking - yes it is a major prob as if my partner is in bed with me, and I am not in the mood for sex, I can't do what I need to do to get to sleep as he is laid next to me! And I don't always want him to help IYSWIM. It is just easier to do myself. But I am finding it harder and harder to climax as I think I may be overusing it!!!!!!!!

Ugh such a nightmare, I need to go cold turkey but I have two young children and can't face the thought of not getting the sleep I so desperately need!

Could be physical. After orgasm your body totally relaxes, and of course all the endorphins (I think that's what they're called) released into your brain make you sleepy.

Perhaps you could try some vigorous (aerobic) exercise a few hours before bed, then a relaxing bath and a warm drink. Exercise has been shown to be very effective in releasing feel good chemicals and making you sleep better.

I am not sure why he would feel rejected though? He is likely to feel hurt because you didn't tell him sooner, but I'm sure he would understand and get over it as he will understand why you feel embarrassed.

I just figure he is likely to be feeling rejected now as you are not wanting sex, he could be worrying you don't love him or fancying him, so maybe telling him the real reason - that it is a physical problem and not caused by him - may put his mind at rest in that respect.

What is problem of talking to your GP or Specialist about that. There is so many young girls, as young as two who touch themselves to sleep .It's very comforting habit. Most of the parents don't like to talk about this. Is it only in last 5 years that this is happening to you or does it go longer than that? Am not sure how does it work with adults but it must have some background that you should discussed with a specialist.

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but I just read it with interest.

I have a similar problem.
My partner knows about it and helps me but feels a bit used sometimes and it also takes the edge off our proper lovemaking.

Basically if we don't make love together every night then she has to help me get to sleep by playing with me. I'm a bloke btw...
We both recognise now, after years of confusion and upset, that i can't sleep because of anxiety. That might be over our relationship or work stress or whatever.

We are now in couple therapy with a psychologist and the results are amazing.

I resisted seeing a therapist for years despite my wife suggesting it time and again.

I thought it was a bit taboo ( in the end we went straight to a therapist after an enormous bust up, but we have not seen our GP so there is nothing on my medical records).

I also didnt want to formally admit there was anything wrong and we could not sort it out ourselves. We have been married for over 20 years and known each other nearly 30.

Our problems aren't over but we have recognised what they are and we are getting there.
Sex every night was masking the real problem. Think long and hard about what it is that's stopping you sleep even if sex does help you sleep. For my it all seemed easy; sex = relief and calm and so = sleep. But I never asked myself why I wasn't calm at bedtime in the first place
This problem is corrosive for any coupe where one of them is suffering from it despite what others might think. Sex every night is just too much - and I love sex! :)
I won't say what the therapist is doing for us for all sorts of reasons; my problems are unique and you will have your own and you are not supposed to share therapy discussions with anyone.

Thank goodness my wife is patient and supportive. And that I eventually listened to her.