Should I be at work?

[fish54]

Have namechanged for this as I am so upset and don't want to have to talk about it to real life friends who know me on here. I have been on medication for a neurological problem for over a year now, owing to weight gain on Tegretol, my GP agreed to me trying Topamax (toparimate). Unfortunately, I seem to have reacted adversely to this and it has made me quite depressed, I have many problems in my day to day life anyway, none of which I can change and I think I was managing to hold my own until this point, my mental health has not been questioned up until now despite many stressful events. My GP has decided to put me on Citalopram 20mg from today for the depression and the neuralgia.

My difficulty is that I am unsure whether I should disclose this to my managers as I work with young children, I have been open with them about my health problems and they knew about the other medications I have been taking. I know that their guidance on anti-depressants is that I would need to be given a doctor's letter to say I was fit to work with the children. I am feeling awful to be honest, I have managed to work in this job since a serious bereavement nearly 4 years ago and through many other stressful events and I feel now as though the flood gates have opened and I am shedding tears for things I didn't allow myself to deal with at the time. I know my performance last week was below par and I made two errors on Friday which upset me very much, as I set myself very high standards, they were not prejudicial in any way to the children's safety.

My doctor says it is up to me if I feel up to working and he sees no reason for me to disclose unless I feel I would be compromising safety, he feels the greater concern is the burden of responsiblity my job places on me, when I already have many pressures on me in my personal life. I am so afraid that despite the high regard I am held in and the good relationship I have with my managers I might end up losing my job if I have to disclose all the facts and I am a single parent. Can anyone advise me what I ought to do or give me their own experiences? Sorry this is so long, thanks in advance if you have read this far.

fish 54........you are mirror imaging my thoughts entirely. i have been regarded as confident and competent in my job in the nhs and if they could see me now. im a mess. in floods of tears,depressed, worried that my 3 weeks off will cost me my high pressured job.
im a single parent too so my home is my total responsibility but i feel i have no fight. do you feel like that too?

I think I am still fighting it at the moment, I am hoping against hope that it is just these tablets. I managed to go and get my hair cut today and also sort a pile of filing that has been making me anxious, I thought perhaps if I could start chipping away at some of the small things that are making me feel things are out of control it would help. Now however I am sat with tears in m eyes again just thinking about having to get myself out of the house in the morning and keep appearing like my normal self, I wish I knew what to do. So sorry to hear you are feeling like this, it is rubbish when you know you have to run the house and pay the billls alone, there is no safety net, do you feel the time off is helping you?

hi fish. not sure if the time off is helping as my mind feels completely fuddled and that is the opposite of the normal me. sorry you are in tears. i hope its not me that caused you to cry. its horrible being solely responsible for everything. i wish someone would just sweep me up and look after me, dont you.

why do we put on this front of coping. it costs so much when you do crack. everyone is shocked nad say things like her "cracking up" and she is such a strong confident lady. how little do they know

i wanted the time off to unfog my mind but by mid afternoon i am really wobbly and having panic attacks. i am on statutory sick pay and i know i cant do that for long

Very much so, my DS is at school in the town where I work which is 6 miles from home, so regardless of work I have to get up and get out for him to be at school every day, we had to move for financial reasons. My DP is lovely, but we don't live together (finances again ) and he can't even take DS to school for me without having to put his own DS in breakfast club or he would be late for work. All my family live hundreds of miles away, and my closest friends are all in the town where I work, it does feel very lonely sometimes. You didn't make me cry by the way, just thinking about stuff and trying to work out what the best thing to do is.

Sorry to hear things are so hard for you, I am sure if I rang work and said I couldn't manage it at the moment they would all say the same, I am the person people feel they can turn to with a problem, but as you say they don't know what it costs to keep going sometimes.

glad you have a DP, i just have a very good friend who i am scared of frightening off at the moment as i am sure i cant keep feeling like this in front of him. im sure at some stage he will walk away as it is difficult to what someone you like alot, fall apart

it has happened to me once before 23 years ago when i had a nervous breakdown and i am right there in that awful place again. if it helps to talk, im here and it sort of helps me to post too, as i dont feel so alone. i just wish i had a closer lady friend that i could lean on. god knows ( and i am blowing my trumpet now) ive been there for others at bad times but i find it hard to ask for help for the very reasons we both know ( that we always cope with everything)

I had severe PND after my second child and this does feel different, I do have some hope that perhaps I am not severely depressed and these tablets have tipped the balance the wrong way. I have had a lot to cope with and have managed this far. It is hard when you have "been there" before isn't it, I think you are very reluctant to admit even to yourself that you are heading that way. I am feeling a little better than I was earlier which also makes me wonder if the tablets are to blame as I took the last dose last night and that would make sense in terms of the dose wearing off. Thanks for posting, as you say it helps to at least feel you are not alone. I am going to turn up for work tomorrow and talk to my manager, and just tell them that I have had a change of medication and that if they are happy to bear with me I will do my best. I don't think I can say fairer than that and then it is up to them.

i wish life was a bit easier. why does it feel like i have to climb mountains everyday just to get what most people get every day. i never feel i am paid what i am worth. i work so hard and give 110% but noone seems to appreciate it. i just feel taken for granted.
i have brought up 2 boys on my own who are now 19 and 24 and i am really proud of them but i am getting to the point where i wonder when it is my turn.

Sorry to see that you were feeling so low last night, I managed to get to work today and my manager has been very understanding and reassured me that I am very much valued and they are happy to trust my judgement as to whether I should be at work.

I do understand how you feel about working very hard and being paid so little, working with young children, like NHS work is badly paid and demands a lot from you. My children are also older and after so many years you do sometimes feel it should be your turn. I hope you had a better day today and that things improve for you. It does sometimes feel that other people have much easier lives, but I wonder if that is part of feeling depressed really, maybe they have problems we don't see, because we think what they have looks better than what we have.