Alcoholism - help for family member

[ishopthereforeiam]

Hi,

Fil is an alcoholic and has been since dh can recall. He's not aggressive / falling over etc but has caused himself severe liver damage and still continues to drink a lot, secret swigging from water bottles during tbe say etc.

Dh, sil and mil have all tried speaking to him many times to no avail as have the doctors. Other than threatening him with not seeing dgcs to go cold turkey, does anyone have any tips on how to help him?

I don't understand how the courts would be able to do that, it seems against every child protection principle doesn't it?

Yes, re FIL, you're not emotionally involved which makes it easier to be logical. But alcohol is as dangerous as heroin!! I bet if your FIL was addicted to heroin your DH wouldn't think twice. It's just because we're all so familiar with alcohol that we don't see how it can change sane people into addicts fixated only on the next hit!

Thanks for the replies, some very useful advice here.

Dh and dsil spoke to fil today. He said he just has a drink to relax and enjoys it and doesn't need to stop (denial re problem?) but would do so if it bothers the family so much. The drs havecsaid he needs to cut his intake by 75% so I think it must be more than 30 units a week.

I'll refervthe family to some of the websites mentioned and alc anon for their own benefit as fil says he himself doesn't need this and can stop due to willpower as he did with smoking...

Good luck OP, sounds like at the very least it is being talked about which is good, and he sounds like he wants to change.

I'm sorry OP - the signs are not good. It is extremely unlikely he has done severe liver damage from 30 units a week, and I'm afraid 30 may be what he's been advised to cut down to, not from.

If he intends to give up for other people, it won't work and it will be the other people's fault when it doesn't. I'm not saying he is a bad person, it's a bad addiction. The fact he won't go to AA because he doesn't need to is not a good sign either; I actually have given up drinking without going to AA or using NHS support services - yet. Keyword. I don't think I have this beaten after nearly a year sober, and I've been completely open about my problems with drinking with friends and family this year - so in that sense, nowhere to hide. And I've always said I will get that kind of help if I am tempted to drink again; so far so good.

Take it easy on yourself - perhaps he will change. But the level of denial is not encouraging.

Thanks tribpot and I'm really pleased you've managed so well.

I'm not expecting miracles, he's been drinking significantly since 16 so it's a fundamental part of his life, but we had to try to talk to him since the blood results earlier this week.

ishop - my father's blood test results showed significant liver damage (in the days when I was actually allowed to know this stuff). At one point he was warned that, if he continued to drink at the level he was, he would have about six weeks left to live. He managed to stop, for long enough to allow his liver to recover from the severe battering he'd given it.

He's still here, 7 years later. I don't know how he manages to keep going. He admitted to his GP a while back that he was consuming 80 units a week. If, as one of the PPs says, that that was about half of what he was really consuming, then I've no idea how he's still here. He was getting through several bottles of wine a day or a bottle (or more) of spirits.

In his eyes it is my fault he drinks. A typical alcoholic looks to blame anyone but themselves for their condition. That's why Al-Anon came up with their advice. It wasn't until I looked at their website that I came to realise that there wasn't anything I could do and it wasn't my fault.

Wow Nora that's remarkable - he must have a seriously strong liver. That's a good point you make too - fil won't allow anyone with him to the dr meetings, mil forced her way in this time. The last time anyone went before that was 15 years ago when sil accompanied him and he was told then he was causing damage to his liver.

DH understands it isn't his fault, and that he can't force fil to stop etc. I think mil feels the same way although obviously they're both devastated that he had continued to drink so much. I think sil is worse hit. I'm def going to send them all some info to help them if I can.

The thing with fil is he doesn't think he drinks excessively so won't get as far as blaming anyone as it's just something he enjoys and isn't a problem (in his mind) although I'm sure in the back of his mind he must know that non alcoholics do not keep bottles hidden away around the house, slip off after dinner for a secret drink upstairs and swig from a "water" bottle during the day for a quick shot.

The human body can be amazingly resilient tho.

ishop well done, you are being supportive which is exactly all you can do for your DH at this point.
Sad to hear FIL saying he drinks to relax (seriously, 30+ units a week? Double it, to echo everyone else) but more sad to hear him say he will give it up if "it bothers the family so much" - classic addict denial and misplaced guilt, "YOU are making me give up the only thing I enjoy, but I'll do it because I love you and I don't need to drink bla bla bla" - still the empty bottles will gather and still the drinking will continue, except the next time he's confronted it will be "YOU made me drink again because I was under such pressure to stop, and now you're blaming me for starting again bla bla bla...." Trust me when I say it NEVER NEVER ends unless he chooses it to end.
Someone asked for tips further up - what worked for us was limiting contact to when sobriety was more likely than not (mornings, whatever).
NEVER offering alcohol or supplying it at any family gathering (birthday parties etc. - this used to be a big part of our lives, surprise surprise).
Physically distancing yourselves from the drinker, not visiting as often etc. None of this is punishment, btw, it's self protection.
Another thing I did was examine my own drinking as clearly there was a familial pattern I was sadly starting to follow. I no longer drink at all. The signs were there I was headed the same way.
To give you some hope, both alcoholic parents no longer drink and our lives have improved drastically in that respect. Keep us posted and I really look forward to the posts where your DH, and so on, are the focus of your posts, rather than the alcoholic.

Thanks dontlaugh I'm really grateful for your support and honest and pleased that things have turned a corner for you and the family.

I'll be sure to keep you posted - we can only do so much and ultimately it is up to FIL - no-one can force a change.

Thanks for the tips dontlaugh, and that's great that they are no longer drinking.

can see the logic re not having alcohol at family gatherings, but with FIL and partner don't think there would ever be any gatherings without it . FIL occasionally visits alone by car in daytime v briefly, for an hour or so, which annoys BIL, but may be FIL's way of making an effort to see people when sober iyswim.

Also see that the difficult decision to change has to cone from the person, but is there anything families an do to make it more likely to happen?

But Dozer - do you see the irony? You want to know what families can do to make it more likely but also state that alcohol-free family occasions will not be possible.

I know it is hard to accept but you really cannot help until the person wants to change. The important thing is to help yourselves.

Stay strong for yourself and your DH, ishop. Remember you're not alone, many of us have been through the same thing. Like dontlaugh says, keep your distance. Avoid too many family gatherings where alcohol flows freely. My father ruined my wedding by turning up drunk and continuing to drink throughout the day. It is still a raw and painful memory :(

, tribpot, the gatherings won't be likely cos FIL and partner would simply refuse to attend Have tried several times to persuade family not to buy them booze etc.......

Nora, sorry about your wedding.

Well there's your answer, Dozer. You detach by virtue of them refusing to come to events. What's the loss, two fewer drunks mean more booze for everyone else (apologies, that was a very flippant comment to make). You cannot change them. No-one with a normal relationship with alcohol would refuse to come to an event because it was booze-free. (Except a Eurovision party).

Tribpot, I like your humour - to to be honest in our family we all have a v black sense of humour and it does help!

Dozer, I hear your question, but you are shouldering responsibility for someone else's addiction by asking what YOU need to do to control/restrict their drinking - truly, truly what you should be asking yourself is "what will make MY life and my children's life better when we are in contact with this alcoholic". Then take it from there. Any other approach, imo, is enabling an alcoholic. So there is no short answer, unfortunately.
And to echo the other v good thread on this somewhere in relationships forum, sometimes rock bottom is not enough to convince someone to stop drinking - sadly, that usually means death from alcohol related diseases etc.
Now, if the threat/promise of death is not enough to stop someone drinking, what makes you think you have a greater power of persuasion?
You don't.
Be kind to yourself, kinder than you are being on here, and realise that the pull of addiction can only be broken by the addict, if it can. If not, then it's not and never will be, your fault.

sorry to hear that nora - weddings can be such stressful times. Mine was ruined too (but without alcohol!) it took us about 2 years before we could even watch teh dvd back...

tribpot! believe me (a one glass of wine a week woman) the extra booze is much needed: even the thought of FIL and partner at an in-laws event is enough to drive anyone to knock back one of FIL's giant gins! Yeuch.

Dontlaugh, appreciate your advice, thanks. Is hard though.

Ishop, weddings are overrated IMO. I've found marriage miles better (most of the time amyway!)