Encouraging DH to lose weight....help!

[ladypop]

To start off with, I already feel bad about posting on this subject, but would really value someone elses opinion and thoughts.

My DH has always had weight issues and nothing has really changed to make me think more or less about it. He is over weight and would be the first to admit it. He has tried several ways (and has suceeded) in the past to lose weight (Weight Watchers, joining the gym) but more recently I have become worried over the health implications.

We have a DS and are about to start trying for another child. I simply worry that in another 20 years time, it will be even more difficult to lose weight and of the health implications this carries (diabetes, heart problems etc).

He will also avoid swimming with our son at all costs (he feels self concious) which frustrates me.

I got really upset a couple of months back as I felt I needed to express these concerns to him. He took it very well and I reasured him that I love him more today than I did when we first met (this is absolutley true) and that my feelings towards him have not changed in anyway.

He acknowledge what I was saying and we both made a concerted effort to eat more healthily.

Since then , things have slipped and it has started worrying me again. So rather than bring it up as bluntly as I did before, I simply said that I thought we both needed to start eating more healthily again and I have found new healthy recipes for us to eat (he is very open to that) and I have also been trying to encourage him to run more regularily, but I seriously do not want to start hitting him over the head with it. I know he needs to make these decisions for himself.

I have also cut back on my alcohol intake in the hope that it might inspire him to do the same (he does not drink excessivley at all, but I know beer is a big culprit in working against weight loss)

I accept that you can lead a horse to water...etc etc and that I have to let him lead his own life. The thing that does not help at all (and probably his self esteem) is that I am naturally thin! I am natuarally a healthy and motivated person, which is where we differ as he would rather stay at home than get up and out the house.

Reading back through this makes me sound like some puritan who is looking down on her husband, I really hope that this is not the case and I am desperately trying to stop focusing so much on this. As I said, the last thing I want him to do is feel bad about himself and give him any reason to think I do not find him attractive.

Maybe I need to accept that he is happy (or simply accepts, which I think is more the case, as he often mentions his weight) that this is how he is.

Any feedback greatly welcomed! sorry for mini essay.......
x

It's such a tough thing to do to gently tell someone they're overweight. I had a similar problem to yours (though without being naturally thin - lucky thing!). We don't want it for ourselves, we want it for them, for their health, and in my case, a little for me as we'd lost the spark between us - partly me losing some of the attraction towards dh but partly him being self conscious. And I think your point about him being more accepting rather than being happy rings true.

We had spouts of exercise regimes etc and moments of weightloss where everything was looking rosy and then something happened - injury, slip up, boredom - and things would return to their norm.

These days, things are good and there are a couple of reasons for it. Find an exercise that he actually enjoys doing, rather than feeling forced to do. We struggled with this for a long time but, surprisingly, he found cycling. It's not too trying (as opposed to say running) but incredible for toning (particularly stomach). At first he wasn't interested but after only about a fortnight, he got right into it. He now does 3-4 cycles a week. Just jumps on his bike, puts his music on and he's off. He says he goes into his own world and it becomes a pleasure, especially when there're nice views to look at too.

This may sound strange, but having free weights (nothing too strenuous) in the living room worked too! When he was watching a movie or something he was really into, he would have his weights to work with which he says did not feel like too much of a workout as he was enjoying the tv too. Odd one, but I think in the mind it begins to associate exercise with enjoyment.

Lastly (and now I'VE written an essay!) my dh used to enjoy beer, not a great amount, but maybe 2/3 bottles every couple of nights and a larger amount at the weekend. It took some persuading (lol!) but when he cut out the midweek beers for a more refreshing cordial or whatever, it really made a difference.

I think the key definitely is to find an exercise that he enjoys and continue with the healthy food route. Throw in some targets and rewards just for good measure too.

I take it you've done the "think of the children, think of being around to see your grandchildren" thing? Does he tend to see things pretty much only in the short-term?

Are there any minor health issues which might warrant a trip to the GP - and while he's there, hope that the GP has a bit of a word?

And can you identify why he's overweight - when is he over-eating?

Thanks to you both!....
With regards to the excercise point, he has got into running of his own accord and he is always proud of what he has achieved when he gets back, the problem is, it doesn't happen often enough. I have tried to make it easier by saying 'if you want to go for a run tonight, that's fine I am happy to lool after our child' and I have offered to put some money towards new running shoes too which he mentioned a couple of weeks back. He tried cycling a few years back but didn't really take to it.

I think motivation is key, but he is not regimented enough to make sure it happens regularily enough. Maybe I could suggest that he makes a plan each week of how often he would ideally like to go out and get him to write it on the calendar on the days it is going to happen.....even writing that means I have to bring it up. I may wait until the right moment presents itself...!?

The beer thing would help, he doesn't drink loads though, maybe a couple of cans of an evening about 4 nights a week - I know that isn't great, bu neither is it terrible. Having already suggested he cut back, I really don't want to feel like I am going on at him....I want him to have some enjoyment.

Hassled, you make a couple of good points, but I really don't know how to bring the issue up again directly with him without it making things difficult/making him feel rubbish.

The healthier eating seems to be going quite well, although he works shifts which really does not help as he end up eating at very odd times and separate to me, so there is only so much I can do.

Are you still about, OP?

I have the same thing with my DH. He has always been on the larger side but for various reasons is at his largest. I always maintain that I love him just as he is but i am worried for his health and would like more energetic action in the bedroom department (ha ha!). His family are all on the (ahem!) large side so the belief is, "I've always been fat and always will be", which I don't personally subscribe to.

I cook from scratch most days and we eat very healthily. There are very rarely snacks in the house but he loves junk food and has a tendency to eat sweets and chocolate when on his own/at work.

He loves cycling and does have gym membership but for various reasons (i.e. injury, illness, etc.) has not done either for ages and it's showing.

Every now and again I mention what a waste of money the gym membership is but I do believe you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink so tend to not make too much of a thing about it.

He has a lot of friends who cycle and has mentioned joining a bike club/entering events so I did wonder if I would research those and encourage him to join/take part. Maybe this would work?

Any other suggestions gratefully received!

Hi....sorry this is so delyed! I only just came back on and read your post.

It is really tricky, isn't it?! However, during the last few weeks I have been quite persistent in making suggestions. I think it does bother him a little that I mention things quite often (ie, when are you going out running next? maybe don't eat that but try this instead...) but I am always trying to make positive suggestions rather than nagging him.....he may see it differently though!

I agree, you can lead a horse to water etc, so at the end of the day, people need to make their own decisions to do stuff.

Are there any valid reasons why he isn't excercising at the mo? maybe ask him and see what he says?

It took me talking to my husband directly about it on a couple of occasions for things to start changing ie, he is now making much more of an effort to watch his diet and in the last few weeks has cut back on the beer.

Would you be interested in joining a cycling club/working towards and event with him? that way it is a joint thing and not just putting the spotlight on him?

I have just started going out running again as I thought if I am trying to get him to do it more often, then maybe me doing the same would help?