First time DTD after episiotomy...very painful... HELP!

[Somersaults]

Probably all TMI...

My DD is 21 weeks old now and her birth wasn't the easiest but was by no means one of those major trauma kinds. She was back to back and I pushed for two hours with no success. They did an episiotomy and eventually delivered her head on their third attempt by ventouse. They then had to manually turn her shoulders to get her out - her head had turned during labour but her body hadn't turned as far and her shoulders were kind of stuck is how I understand it. Anyway, I asked how many stitches for epis and they said 'a lot' both internal and external apparently, but being, well, not a midwife/doctor I don't know how big of a cut they actually had to make, and how the size of it compares to a normal epis.

DD had been sleeping in our room since birth which put the kibosh (that and the fact that we've been completely wiped out since she arrived!) on any romantic activities but at 19 weeks moved to her own bedroom. DH practically rubbed his hands with glee at the thought of having our room to ourselves again and all the things he thought would come with that.

I was nervous but excited to try sex again if that makes sense. I wanted to do it but whereas he just assumed that nothing would have changed I was unsure how it would feel. I expected to maybe feel a little pain but thought it would be something that with a little lube I could just push through and deal with, after all, I got through the birth and delivery fine with gas and air.

Not the case. It was agony and we had to stop.

I expected if it was to hurt anywhere that it would hurt at the back where they'd made and stitched the cut. It did hurt there, but the really bad pain was at the front inside and up. It was like a burn and a graze at the same time but constant and really painful. I have no idea why it would be painful there, and especially not this long after the delivery.

I think I could deal with/get over the pain at the back where the stitches were, that's just because the skin is harder scar tissue there I think and it probably needs to soften and stretch again but the pain inside I have no clue about and no ideas how to make it better. As it stands sex is a total no go much to DH's chagrin.

Can anybody offer me any advice? Is this normal? What can I do to stop it hurting in the future? Is it something that time will fix? And how much time? And why is it still this sore after 21 weeks?! Do I need to go and see the doc? What could they/might they do to fix it?

Please help me! I can't possibly push through the pain and I can't stand the thought of not having that intimacy with DH anymore either.

That doesn't sound right to me. I would be inclined to go to the GP and ask them to have a check. The burning/stretching pain for me was at the back where I tore and was stitched.

(Personal question alert) Did you use lube and were you fully aroused? Even if not it sounds extreme, but if you were tense that could have had an effect on things. If you try again, I would try going extremely slowly, get used to just the head of his penis being inside you, then about one more inch until you're used to it, then the next, etc.

The grazing/burning feeling sounds concerning to me.

We used lots of lube and foreplayed it up! I was definitely good to go. I was a little nervous but I don't think worried about it to the point that it would have made a difference. I'm pretty sure that trying again now though I would be much more tense. The thought scares me now to the point where I'm not willing to try again. Not for a good while! Like my brain is thinking that if it's taken 20 weeks to heal to the point where it hurts as badly as it does then it obviously needs much longer to heal fully so I'm not ready to try again for another couple of months. DH is trying to be understanding and keeps talking about other ways to be intimate without penetration but my libido is gone completely.

Are you breastfeeding? I know this question may sound strange, but bf is shit for libido.
Pain is another question. With DS1, normal birth, at 20 weeks, we had already started, but with DS2 violent birth, i didn't want anybody (and this included DH or GP) near there for at least six months. Stitches are not the only scar after birth. Soft tissues in the front are damaged during the passage. That's where it burns. And it does take time to heal. Now relax, and leave it for a couple of weeks. And if you allow me, by your description, your DD's birth belongs to the difficult ones, not life threatening, but definitely hard on your intimate parts, so it's normal and early days. Maybe you could try to massage yourself. Weleda has a special oil for that, after all that's what you need to do with any scar. www.vitaminglobal.com/perineum-massage-oil-50-ml-weleda-p-1884-c-8_221.html.
Hope it helps

I experienced very similar after DS1 (episiotomy and ventouse).
I got myself checked over by a Doctor, because equally I also had a lump I could feel on the front of my vagina. Dr said it had all healed fine and just different shape, due to the birth etc.
It took months and months (probably about 8 or 9 - sorry!) before sex was comfortable. I was also breastfeeding.

It seemed to get more comfortable each time too.
After DS2, things reverted back to normal much quicker.
But yours does sound more extreme than mine. Definitely worth getting checked out.

I also found that for first few months, it was painful and we couldn't do it.
After that, it was painful for the first few minutes and got easier.
TBH, it wasn't until 9 months or so and after stopping feeding that we did it properly to completion and I enjoyed it again .

I am breastfeeding and maybe that has something to do with it. It sounds horrible to say it but I'm glad others have had pain at the front too. I don't mean I'm glad you were in pain but I'm glad I'm not the only one. Maybe I should give it a couple of weeks and try again. I can make an appt at the doc if it's still awful then. If you're talking about 8-9 months then I don't feel like I need to panic too much just yet, it might just need longer to heal. I'll also look at that massage oil when I can get on the computer rather than my phone.

Somersaults, it's ok, you're just another victim of the BIG conspiracy, the one that says that motherhood is pure joy and happiness, and secretly hides the true time-scale of everything! For me it was: 0-6 months don't even think about it; 6-9 m take it out please, 9-12 I love my husband but not every week; >12, I am a woman again.
Being a mother brings massive changes on your body, your shape, your mind (what sleep depravation can do!!), shower habits (no more indulging with tons of products) and xxxxx. It's normal.Not funny, but quite normal.

Thank you everyone. I can't say that DH is thrilled to hear about what you've had to say but I'm reassured :)

How do people ever have babies close together?!

C-section!

Haha! Maybe that's the answer!

after each of mine I had terrible time with discomfort...first time more so. It was abt 6m before I was comfortable ish if we were very careful and 8 m before it was just occasional pain mostly if we weren't careful with extraction. This time it's recovered more quickly, tho we were more cautious to start with too.
however do have yourself checked out if you really are uncomfortable. However, this second time the gynae told me that the only way the can 'fix' such problems usually is to recut and sew :( :( doesn't seem right :( :(

I just wanted to repeat what's been said here already.

I too had episiotomy, severe grazing and internal and external stitching.
I didn't even try till 5 months I think, and only managed to DTD comfortably and happily when DS turned 1. DS will be 2 in the not too distant future and we still have to be careful.
Birth is a HUGE thing for a body to go through and it's simply not true that most women jump back into bed with no problems 3 months later. This has only been the experience of 1 mother I know. ALL other mums I've discussed this with have had to wait much longer and use much caution for a while also.

By all means chat to your GP and ask him to check for infection/abnormalities, but please don't stress or put pressure on yourself! It took you 9 months (and a painful labour) to bring your baby into the world. It's perfectly normal (and bloody reasonable!) for your body & mind to need a bit of time to recover.
xxx

As I remember, it takes a while to feel really comfortable again. For me it was 10 to 12 months. Sorry, it's a drag, but it sounds normal.

Thank you everyone and it's a good way to look at it that it took nine months (and two extra weeks that I will hold against her forever!) for her to arrive so I guess it's normal for it to take a while to go back to normal. Poor DH!

Do go to the doctor just to double check though if you can bear it. If you have had an adhesion, for example (where two bits of healing skin have fused together) that might have to be sorted rather than waiting it out...

One more question ladies...

Did it begin to hurt less because time passed do you think or because you persevered and got used to it?

I can only speak for myself , but with me it was sort of a mix but you should NOT have to get used to it being uncomfortable or painful.

The time is important to help your body heal and feel more yourself.
When you (mind and body) feel ok to start trying again, just remember that too will take additional time to 'get back into the swing of things'.

So, you may feel ready to try again in say 2 months time, but then you will still need to take it slowly and carefully until you feel back to your normal self.

But do not push through it if it hurts especially if there's no improvement. I personally found being a little uncomfortable at first seemed quite common (with people I know) but actual pain? No. I'd see a Dr to double check you're ok.

For me, the pain genuinely got better over time, it's hard to imagine at the time that it will feel normal again, but it did for me. Honestly now I would never know I had an epsiotomy and can bonk to my heart's content. (TMI?)

Thank you again everyone and I think the TMI boat sailed a long time ago!

Agree with Nimpywindowmash.
You shouldn't get used to it feeling painful. But it did stop being painful in time. I also cannot feel it at all now, no pain or discomfort whatsoever.