Fighting cancer is there any point?

[Iamseeingstars]

Feeling really disillusioned at the moment. Have spent much of last six months in hospital with few odd days/weeks at home. Am now so weak, can't function, can hardly move my body with muscle wastage. Side effects from treatment are horrendous. Feel really isolated. Family have got used to me not being around so when I am home I feel I might as well not exist.

I can't seethe point of trying to get better any more I can't cope with the pain. I don't want to take all the tablets any more I feel really depressed and don't know how to break the cycle. people visited in the early days but out of sight out of mind means friends/acquaintances don't visit any more.

Oh, so sorry to hear that things are so bad for you. Hospital is grim, and your treatment sounds very grim too. Keep posting - MN will be here for you.

Stars - massive sympathy for you as an
Also in treatment for cancer and know how tough it is. Not just physically but emotionally.

Have you talked to your drs re managing side effects ? Also have you got a macmillan nurse or someone you can talk to about getting counselling, anti depressants?

I hope that things do get better for you and you can win the battle.

I'm do sorry you are going through this. Please talk to your family and tell them how you feel.

Wrt friends, people stay away because they don't want to be in the way/tired you out. Invite peopke to come and see you, get your dp to give them a ring and to pop round for half an hour so tgat you don't end up to tired.

What a terrible time you're going through .

I am so sorry .

You won't always feel like this .

Hang on in there and tell your GP how you're feeling .

IMHO there is. We got 6 more years with my mother. She saw all 3 of my kids become little people. We had holidays together.

Oh sweetheart - you have had such a tough time, - I know how down I felt at times, and you have had much more and much tougher treatment to contend with

I don't know what practical advice to offer. But I would say the really bad lows to tend to come in waves, so how you feel now is not necessarily how you will feel in all the time.

How helpful are your consultant/nurses/GP about managing depression and the emotional side, - I am wondering if there are any specialists withing your hospital who help people to deal with long term illness? Some sort of counselling or talking therapy rather than more tablets.

Are you getting any kind of physio or physical therapies to help with your strength and muscle wastage? The weakness is very draining and will make you feel depressed, but you will gradually regain your strength.

Is there a pain/palliative care team? - they should be able to control the pain for you, there is loads they can do on that front, but they need to try something new if what you are on for pain isn't working.

Get your DH to round up some friends and visitors, - I am sure as others have said people don't want to tire you, or don't realise you are feeling lonely and down.

You know my darling it is worth keeping going, you have come so far, and come through so much. It's very hard when you are in the middle of such a big life changing thing, to see your way out, but small steps will still get you there. xx

Stars you have had such an awful time of it , it's hardly surprising that you feel like this .
Am I remembering correctly that you are not uk based ?

Please keep posting , come back to the tamoxifen thread if you can . Sometimes talking to others who have been there is the only thing that helps .

dearest stars - we miss you over on tamoxifen- do pop by for some company. You've had a truly awful time and no wonder you feel so down-but don't give up - it's worth hanging on - wish I could think of sensible suggestions,though kk and others have- I'm thinking of you and sending much love xxx

I'm sorry. You poor love.

thinking about you xxx

I dont know much about cancer but if a friend of mine was feeling like this id want to know. Have you got the energy to invite people round for a coffee? Or go and see a film? No idea really but maybe they are waiting for you to say you are free and have some energy?

I understand where you're coming from. Seeing my DM so ravaged by the chemo side effects month after month made us, and her, question whether her quality of life at that time was worth it. But do you know? It really was and she thought so too. It's worth the fight. Be strong. You can do this xx

Sounds like you are having a really horrible time.
Hang on in there.

My Mum had breast cancer and was ill, off work for 9 months, and is still with us more than 12 years later and has become a Granny in the intervening years.

Film maybe bit much but can you maybe try (or get dh) to arrange something once or twice a week. A visit/ a coffee- a phone call.

Also I know what you mean about feeling like life goes on without you- I felt like that when in hospital. It almost felt like I had died already and life was just carrying on. I think it is part of condition but can often be made worse by painkillers (certain opiates are known to have this distancing effect). I do urge you to talk to your drs about your drugs and also someone to help you with depression. It's a part of the illness too and you are suffering.

And I know it may seem too much to hear about others with cancer when you are having such a tough time. But you are most welcome on tamoxifen or maybe offload here If that feels easier.

stars, cant even know what you are feeling or going through but i do think that it is worth it.

i'm an icu nurse and have seen people given a 98% chance of dying....and recovering..slowely with the most dreadful setbacks, muscle wastage and infection after infection, delerium and pain. Depression and giving up.

On the day that these folk have come knocking on our doors to say goodbye and thanks, as they are going home to thier families & friends, is the best day ever invented by medicine.
It makes us (as a team) emotional and it confirms that what we do and how they persevered was so so worth every minute.
You are worth it, you are special, you are amazing.
It is worth fighting this motherfucking twat of a thing.
Dark, dark days are part & parcel i think, possibly.
Can you get some ads to help you through? (its another medicaion i know, but necissary)
Hugs to you xxx

It sounds as though you could use some proper help to get you through this...someone's hand to hold.

I don't know what to suggest as I expect you already know about Mac nurses and such.

I do think physical stress as extreme as what you have had to bear can have a massive, massive impact on your mood and make everything seem just mountainously awful, even when you are past the middle, and it is working,

iyswim
and yes it is good to think about letting go and losing all that control you've had to keep hold of, it can help, it can take off the pressure for a while.

And then maybe after a cry and a sleep and something to eat, you'll be so so surprised to find yourself feeling a bit more Ok. And you'll be glad you are still here.

love x

That sounded really trite, I'm so sorry...I only know how depression feels, not your illness.

Flightty it didn't sound trite to me. The depression/emotional issue is a huge part of it.

I'm thinking of you stars x sorry I'm not much use but hope you can share how you feel in rl, and get some support.

Thanks, Gigondas...didn't mean it like 'here have a cuppa, it'll make everything better'. iykwim

Ah my friend it is tough and horrible and only you can decide if its worth it. What is the prognosis? Do Drs think its worth it?
I had chemo for breast ca 17 yrs ago and i vividly remember deciding not to continue with chemo as it was getting more and more difficult to find a vein and thus very drawn out and painful,I kept getting infections and they were on about getting a hickman line put in.I ran to my Mums near the hospital and told her i wasnt having anymore. After a long and very balanced chat i decided i owed to my dc to give it my best shot and 17 yrs later here i am.
Who knows what would have happened?
Where are you?I will come and annoy the hell out of you if its near enough and make you play scrabble endlessly. My friends stopped remembering too and i was furious.
If it helps i recovered really quickly afterwards and was back to normal pretty soon.
Lots of love to you xx

It's hard to give specific advice as I don't know your diagnosis or treatment.
What I do know is the majority of people know when it is the right time to stop seeking active treatment and just aim to feel better.
I'm assuming your treatment is palliative from the way you described it? Although if you are receiving curative treatment that changes my advice somewhat.
Cancer treatment is bloody awful. I think sometimes oncology staff and patient's families innocently stop seeing the individual and just see them as a full blood count/tablet taking machine. It takes it's toll.
Too many steroids (which are such a necessary part of treatment) cause such problems long-term.
I really feel your fatigue through your post.
I would happy to offer more specific advice if you wanted. This field is my job.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think many people would have managed as well as you have to cope this far.

You sound a lovely person and you don't deserve to be this isolated. Do feel free to join the support thread - it isn't cancer-specific, but people with all kinds of illnesses are finding common ground and sharing experiences.