Talking to my friend about cold sores and kissing DC...

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

My very lovely friend of many years suffers from regular cold sore flare ups. She has always been fond of cheek (and lip) kissing by way of greeting. I am sure she knows about when the sores are contagious or not, and feel I should just trust her judgement, but I have at times felt put on the spot when she's approached me for a smooch when the sores are there. I have gone in for a close hug instead. Now we both have young toddlers and I'm really struggling with whether or not to say something to her as she loves to kiss my DC too. I find I'm always doing a quick check whenever we see each other and trying to avoid her kissing her by all sorts of silly and contrived measures. Today we met up and she was heading to kiss DC on the cheek with the crust of a sore still on her lip. I got in the way but now realise it is really on my mind whenever we meet, and whereas I ought to trust that she knows when it is safe to kiss or not, I feel really unnerved and it is blighting my connection with my her. So, how can I say something without appearing insensitive? Because I've never mentioned it before I feel a bit of a fraud. If you were my friend, what would be a kind way to be approached about it? I really value her friendship and would hate to upset her. Any thoughts very much appreciated.

Goodness, I don't even kiss my own child when I have a coldsore, let alone any one else's. Tell her that you don't want her to kiss your child until it's cleared.

I have regular flare ups and wouldn't dream of kissing anyone when I have one. Are they not contagious the whole time they are there? Even if not, its still unpleasant to kiss someone who has crusty flaky lips!

If I were your friend I would not be offended in anyway if you just came straight out and said, don't kiss my DC with your scabby mouth!

I have this problem too.

My dad gets them but he is dozy as anything and forgets everything 2 mins after I have told him, so I do the check thing whenever we meet. It really stresses me out. I have mentioned to him that he does know they are catching doesn't he and he says yes but then gets confused face!

Seeing as your friend gets them a lot you would think she would be aware but if she is coming in for kisses when she has them then perhaps not. I think you are going to have to have a chat with her. Say you really don't want your child to catch them as you are aware they can really hurt. Would she mind being super careful etc.

I get them as well but I am so careful! If you have advice on how I explain it to someone with the memory of a fish that would be great!

I am suffering a lot more with cold sore since returning to work and trying to organise our family.

I don't even kiss my girls even though they offer to kiss them better!

I think that once they are crusty, because I normally pull the top off and put aftershave on it to help dry it out they are at the safer stage but I still wouldn't risk it.

They do may you feel horribly yucky though

I forgot to answer your question!

Not that I would kiss anyone outside the family I wouldn't mind if you told me you didn't like it, I do know how horrible they look and how contagious they are so I would probably feel embarrassed but understand.

I understand completely. After years and years of never getting a cold sore coz none of the boys ever kissed me, a visitor with a mahoosive full weepy crusty, drank from a bottle of water i'd been drinking from.

And had the cheek to say when i'd walked back into the kitchen, and took a gulp "Oh I took a drink from that bottle".[mad].

Needless to say a few days later.... I only get them now if I'm stressed/rundown. I'm not comfortable with friends kissing my dd either.

I'd just ask friend to stop, most people will come in contact with the herpes simplex, but i'd rather friends and family didn't pass it on whilst dc are so young.

Her behaviour is really irresponsible. I get cold sores too (misspent youth spent kissing Spanish bloke who failed to mention his cold sore was contageous!) but I am paranoid about not kissing anyone, not sharing glasses/utensils, I don't even touch my mouth!

I was in a similar situation. Friend came over with her two DCs and her DD had a sore on her mouth. So I asked if she had hurt herself and her mum said no it was impetigo, which she claimed was a non-contageous viral problem. I knew that was rubbish, she either had impetigo, a very contageous bacterial infection, or a cold sore, the equally contageous herpes virus, so I asked her not to play with DD. Might sound extreme but the little girl had been touching her mouth and holding DD so there was a good chance of passing this on. Clearly my friend did not know what her daughter had, but I wasn't going to sit by and let my DD get impetigo or herpes at 8 months for fear of saying something.

So I suppose my advice is that you should say something to your friend directly.

Okey dokey, thank you all for your thoughts. It's clear I just need to 'woman up' and say something. And Poo, I don't know about your dad, and this may sound like complete psycho babble, but it's just what sprang to mind for me; feeling shame and embarassment can really hamper cognition. Perhaps your dad somehow feels 'told off' and embarassed and is therefore blanking out what you're saying? I used to have a coach in my teens and later on I was once in a relationship with someone, both of whom used shaming and ridicule as a control strategy and it used to make me too sort of 'fogged out' to respond to things properly, including remembering stuff. I am obviously not suggesting that you are doing this to your dad . How would it go down if you let him know you really love him, and how pleased you are that he's got such a great relationship with your DC, yet could he please not... Hm, is that a really cringey thing to say to your dad?

Oh no, what i meant was my dad is like that about everything! In one ear and out the other, about everything and with everyone!

Oh goodness how awkward. She should really know better though.

I think I would just have to say something, however difficult. If they get the virus they will have it forever.

I get them all the time too and am incredibly careful and wouldnt even consider kissing anyone when I had one and try to get DD to avoid touching my face However I still managed to pass it on and I've never felt so guilty.

The compeed coldsore patches are expensive and Ifind they dont stick very well and I have had a 'flappy' lip on more then one occasion but they are meant to stop the transfer of the virus as its a physical barrier. Particularly useful to anyone with a very young child as the virus can in rare cases be fatal.