How to help my friend whose dh is critically ill in intensive care

[YellowDinosaur]

Cross posted in bereavement...

My friends dh is currently critically ill in intensive care with pneumonia following a bone marrow transplant for leukaemia. She was told a couple of days ago that there was only a very small chance that he will make it :(

feel totally helpless and would really welcome advice on what helped you if you have been in a similar situation and also what didn't. I have offered to help with her son who is my ds1 best mate, called mutual friends to keep them informed (at her request) and offered to do practical stuff like food shopping. I have also been sending her texts to let her know that we are thinking of them and are here for her when she needs. I have a couple of times offered to come and Sit with her but she has family with her at the moment.

I know that doing the 'let me know if there is anything you need' is often too overwhelming as trying to think of things is not really possible in a situation like this. I am trying to strike a balance between letting her know I am there but not being so 'there' that I am a pain.

Any advice would be very welcome.

When my daughter was in PICU a couple of my friends turned up with a bag that contained lip balm, hand gel, hand cream, a blanket, some cash, snacks, toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, and deodorant. Also some trashy mags. They took me for coffee and sat with DD so I could have a break too.

You sound like you have lovely friends tierdtrout. Hope your daughter recovered...

When I first found out how sick he was earlier this week I drive up to the hospital with some food and a note to pass to her saying I was there and would be for a couple of hours, that if she needed me I was there and could be for as long as necessary, but that she didn't there was no pressure. When I got there she had left to go home.

Because if this I don't really feel I can turn up like this again and I know she has lots of family with her. I like the idea of taking her a parcel of thoughtful things though so I'll try and sort something out this week.

Thanks again for taking the time to post x

I am sorry to hear about your friend's Dh. How very, very sad.

Could you cook some freezer type meals such as a lasagna, some chilli, a pie etc which she can either eat that night, or pop in the freezer until needed?

Yellow, you sound a fabulous friend

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's DH. Such an awful thing. My advice, having been in the same very sad position as your friend, is to let your friend know that you are there for her. To extend the offer of childcare (how many children does she have? What ages are they?). Do food packages, cooking in bulk, etc. All of that helps. Make sure there is always enough milk in the house. Just really take any of the usual humdrum stuff away from her so that she has all the time she needs with her DH.

For me, when I was going back and forth from the hospice to see DH, childcare was the greatest difficulty. I wanted my children there, but not all of the time. And obviously I wanted to spend as much time as possible with DH in his final days/weeks. So perhaps offering to take her children to the hospital for an hour or so (and perhaps just go to the waiting room and get a coffee), so that they can visit their father could be a good idea. Give them tea, take them to school. Thank God for friends like you. I was lucky enough to have one too

One last thing, please don't be afraid to ask her how she is. The one thing I still find almost unbearable is my husband's death being the elephant in the room. Just bloody look me in the eyes and ask how I am! (sorry, minor rant from me)

Hi - I have also had a child in PICU and I think just letting her know you are thinking of her is good and offering to do whatever she needs. We had a couple of boxes of things friends delivered to the hospital which was lovely, but within reason you don't want too much stuff there either. You have to keep it somewhere and then get it home..... Useful little bits though like tiny travel size shampoo/lip balm, small change for machines. (Just re-read and realise your friend is not staying at the hospital....we were). Definitely help with the children if that is not sorted already - in our case my parents were able to step in and just deal with our other children for us and it was SUCH a relief not to have to worry about them being looked after. Depending who has your friend's children they may appreciate a break so they can go and visit your friend though - my parents couldn't easily come to see us when they had my children and I did miss having their support for me.

A little bit more personal feeling about this one - and it may depend on the rules of the hospital ICU too, but we had a couple of photos printed out by family of DD and put on her bed, and a picture of her sisters and our dog too - it just made her bed a bit more personal and friendly, and was nice for us to see DD looking "normal" in the picture compared to the stress of her in ICU. It was also nice for the staff to see the real person they were dealing with too. Glad to say we still have the real little person running round happy now!

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your stories. Beautifulgirls delighted for your happy ending. Rindercella :( (read your profile). How are you? Glad for your lovely friend.

She had 1 soon who is best friends with my ds1. Currently both sets of grandparents are rallying round but childcare help will definitely be forthcoming. Liking the idea of taking him to the hospital for a short time if that's appropriate and being there for a coffee for when she needs a break. Home cooked meals a fab idea too and one I can easily do.

I have offered to help with a mutual friends dd (she is closer to friend in question than me) but will be seeing one of the sets of grandparents today so will give them my number and offer them a break too if that feels right although don't want to go behind my mates back.

Thanks again xxx

so sorry to hear about your friends dh, it muts be unbelievably tough on her right now.

it looks like you've had some great advice already so you might not need any more but I thought I'd add my own thoughts anyway.

My DD is nearly five but spent the first two months in a SCBU having surgery and recovery etc. She has also just come home from a 2 week stint in hospital (I stayed with her the whole time) so whilst I don't understand the situation your friend is in, i do know what is like to have your whole life based in and around a hospital.

i would say just get on and help with practical things as if you just offer help your friend will probably find it just too difficult to think of things to get you to do.

It sounds like your friend already has lots of help from her extended family so many things could already be covered but they will no doubt be worried sick themselves and would appreciate some help.

Cook her some homemade food or at least do the shopping for her. The wonders of coming home to a pan of food that just needs warming up can not be underestimated. Only yesterday a close friend of mine brought round a home made curry complete with boiled rice and naan breads that just needed warming up. It was wonderful!

help out as much as possible with childcare as I'm sure that will be a huge weight off her shoulders.

As others have said, just texting her every now and then to let you know you are thinking of her will be appreciated. I didn't always feel able to reply to texts whilst my DD was in hospital but it was so nice to know that I was in peoples thoughts. Don't stop the contact though - I had loads of texts in the first few days of DDs recent stay but come the second week they had pretty much dwindled away til only 2 or 3 people were keeping in touch.

You sound like the sort of friend everyone needs at times like these and will no doubt provide huge support to your friend. Stay strong for her, she will appreciate it

IME, offers of practical help are very useful; I don't drive so lifts to ICU were great for example.
It sounds like your friend has family to help which is great, and they will probably provide a lot of the support (I didn't which made it tough) but if the stay in ICU is going to be a long one, whatever the outcome, then again, practical help may well be needed if the family have to return to their homes/jobs, etc.

Keeping people informed for her will be useful; the last thing she'll want is people getting in touch with her all the time and to have to keep on saying the same thing (I got round this by sending out a daily update text) so do keep up with that.

TBH, the toughest time is yet to come; when someone's in ICU you sort of go into a bubble. It's when they die, or come out of ICU but are highly dependent that your help as a friend will be invaluable. Help with the childcare, ferrying around, etc, will be welcome. As will being someone to talk to; as another person says, a lot of people can't talk about it, or get embarrassed- for you to be one of the people she can talk to will be hugely helpful, whether her husband sadly dies or is just very, very ill, which can be just as bad.

You sound like you are, and will be a lovely supportive friend.

Thanks ladies for sharing your experiences. I'll definitely be mindful of the fact that this is for the long haul whatever the outcome. Thanks again xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your frind's dh. My dh spent a month in hospital before Christmas with a cancer and kidney failure diagnosis. Having no family nearby, I was so grateful for practical support from friends in the way of child care and food parcels.
Visiting dh in hospital, I was never sure of how long I would be there, as invariably as I went to leave for home, a specialist would arrive and I'd end up taking my coat off and staying a lot longer than anticipated.
Having friends looking after the kids was a life saver. I also had little energy for grocery shopping and cooking and gratefully accepted a supply of lasagnes, pies etc that I froze. It was such a relief not to have to worry about cooking a meal for myself and the children after a day of juggling work, hospital visit and supporting the children.
One of my dh's friends also relayed info re his progress to our wider circle of friends. Making phone calls at the end of the day was emotionally exhausting so the fewer people I had to repeat the news to, the easier it was for me. I just wanted to escape in front of the tv for an hour.
Not wanting to come over too girly but I also called his male friends for help when it came to shifting furniture around before he came home and a neighbour mended my garden shed roof for me when it blew off in a storm! Perhaps you could let your friend know that help with DIY type stuff is there too if she needs it.

Please God, everything will turn a corner for the positive. My dh may have a stem cell transplant further down the line and I'm dreading the scenario that your poor friend is now in. You sound like a brilliant friend and I'm sure your friend knows you are there for her.

I had a wonderful set of friends when dh was very sick. I didn't need to ask, things were just done and saved me the worry of asking and what to ask for.
Friend sorted out meals, washing and sorted out people to watch the kids if needed. She made sure if anyone was coming up from our friends that I was prewarned and checked it was a good time.

Im so sorry to hear about your friends dh

Waves at rindercilla, and wishes she could ask in RL how she is x

summer is stem cell therapy available now?

Freshcreamscones, yes it is & on the NHS. With dh, they will probably harvest his own stem cells and either transplant them now or freeze tthem to be used at later date.

summer thats good, I thought stem cell was in the process of being developed.

I feel so sad reading about your friend. I too have had a stem cell transplant and ended up critically ill in ICU. Fortunately I have recovered but I personally didnt want people around me, I wanted to be left alone, but everyone kept coming visiting and it was hard.

Do they know why the transplant hasnt worked? What happened.

My family did appreciate offers of support from friends but didnt take up any offers because they wanted to be there themselves.

I dont really know what to say but just be there for your friend, especially if something if the worst does really happen

Thinking of you

Thanks again lovely ladies. Really appreciate all your tips and they will now be needed more than ever as I heard that he had sadly passed away this evening :(

Glad to hear some more positive experiences from some of the rest of you and sending good wishes to the lot of you lovely ladies for taking the time to share your experiences to help an internet stranger xxx

I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your friend

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Really really sorry for your friends loss. She is in my thoughts. .

Sorry to hear about your friend and her husband

Thanks lovely ladies x