What is wrong with me? So unhappy.

[KirstyJC]

I am so unhappy at the moment and it is really getting everyone down.

I have a 10mo DS and 2 older DSes and lovely DH. But I am angry, tired and shouty all the time.

We moved house when I was 38 weeks pregnant and there is so much to do, every time DS3 has a nap (rarely) I end up tiling the bathroom or wallpapering the hallway. Well, partly as he wakes up halfway through - then I take 3 days to finish the job. DH works full time and does do his share of the kids but can't DIY if his life depends on it so I have to do it as we have no money to get someone in.

I am woken by DS3 at least twice a night, often 5/6 times. DS2 is clingy too at the moment so he wakes up at least once. DH tries to deal with it but DS2 always wants me and since DH can't breastfeed he can't settle DS3 either.

I am really horrible and snappy, and positively scary at night. I shout at DH and the kids, last night I said how much I hate this fucking family and I am close to walking out and how come they are all horrible and I don't want this anymore. I am so upset now - I can't believe I said those things and poor old DH is at the end of his tether. He has been so understanding and kind and he says he is now scared to go to bed and is scared of me at night as he doesn't know what I will say and it is hurtful.

I go back to work part time in a couple of weeks and can't wait to get back.

I don't know what is wrong with me - I have been like this for a couple of months I suppose although it is getting worse. Is it possible I have PND? I don't really feel unhappy about the future, I feel quite positive about it - but the here and nowis horrible and I just want it to go away - I keep thinking about getting in the car and just driving away and not coming back.

I know I amstressed from the constant drudgery of life atm, but is there anything I can do? I keep trying to be nice and it just doesn't work.

Anyone got any suggestions?

Stop doing so much. Stop the DIY.

I would put sorting out the night wakings as your top priority and having a nap or some rest when the baby sleeps a priority too.

How old is DS2?

It's possible you have PND, and it's certainly worth a chat to your HV or GP about it.

But most of all you sound just plain exhausted. Stop with the DIY - what's more important to your DCs: a mother who can get through the day or a tiled bathroom? Just abandon all of it - you can do it next year or next decade or whenever. And rest whenever you can - be completely selfish about it. What's happening today - is there any good reason why you can't get into bed now and get a couple of hour's kip?

I agree - stop the DIY. There's no need to put yourself under that kind of unnecessary pressure.

Is there a reason why DS3 is waking so many times during the night? Could you consider expressing so that your DH can deal with any of the night feeds?

You need to be a bit kinder to yourself! Go to bed today/this afternoon when DS3 has his nap and stay there. Ask your DH to take the other boys out for a couple of hours so that you have some peace and quiet.

It's sleep deprivation - and you're in danger of it turning into a complete breakdown. A good few hours sleep is your priority. When can you fit it in where you know someone else will deal with the dcs?

I used to go to my Mum's to sleep. Take yourself round to someone's houe and sneak up for a nap.

It does sound like you are doing too much, and not getting any sleep. Send dh out with the kids and go to sleep. Or have a bath and relax.

Do you have any family who could help out a bit ? Or friends ? We've often taken part in a diy weekend where the children are pooled and then everyone else cracks on with what needs to be done - and tis amazing what you can do.

Stop the diy but make a plan for yourself so you don't feel like you've thrown it all to the wind.

Pick a period of time (a week, a month) and state to everyone in your family that you will not be doing any work on the house, but just concentrating on the day to day essentials.
Put away all the tiles, diy tools, out of sight, and tidy it up as best you can.

Then focus on resting and yourself. When you see the untiled bathroom just think 'never mind, I can't do it now but DS3 will get bigger and easier and I can do it then'.

The world won't fall apart from undone diy for a few weeks/months.

You can't take on everything, your priority is the baby and yourself now.

Eventually you may recoup enough energy to tackle some jobs during nap time again, but give yourself a break first!

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately I can't leave the bathroom untiled as we need to be able to shower and have a bath without flooding things! Although this is nearly done now anyway, just the shower curtain to put back up.

Reading my post back, it does eem clear that I am trying to do an awful lot. DS2 is 3 and has been off nursery ill, and DH, I and DS3 have also been ill over the last month. Nothing major, just high temperatures and feeling really grotty.

We tried cc with DS3 a while ago as he was waking up to 11 times at night and co-sleeping didn't stop it or help me. (I tried the no cry sleep solution and it wasn't working so we went for the cry method instead). He then dropped to 1-2 wakes for a few weeks but then teething started and he has had 4 teeth in 3 weeks so we're back to where we started again.

I will try and get some more rest. I have been trying but DH says he can't cope with taking all 3 kids on his own and they make too much noise inside for me to sleep.

Thanks for the advice

The teeth will come through, darling, and you can give sleep training a bit more of a go. Tell DH of course he can take all three out. The world is full of parents taking three small children out at once. I would look into paying someone else (a friend?) to finish the bathroom, if it's at all feasible.

And DH is being unreasonable with his 'I'm scared' line. There is a reason why sleep deprivation counts as torture - and there's lots of good evidence about how we just can't function on the kind of sleep you're getting, or rather not getting.

It's all very well to say that your DH isn't competent at DIY, but surely to goodness there's something he could help with?

When I was pregnant with our fourth and OH was working every hour in the day, we still found time to paint the hall, stairs and landing once we'd got the other three to bed. It was actually really lovely; we'd put on a CD and just chat while we painted.

Get him to grout the stuff you've done, while you finish the tiling. Don't take uselessness as an excuse.

Oh and, when the small one is asleep, curl up on the sofa yourself.

Tell DH to suck it up and get out with the kids ! He needs to learn to manage the three of them. Is he prone to getting away with not doing things because he 'can't' ?

Ok, maybe just tile the bathroom! But the wallpaper can definitely wait a week at least?! Just go easy on yourself!

Then it's time your DH learnt to deal with the children, if not the DIY!

Stop taking everything on your shoulders. You are married to another adult - you are not a parent to him as well.

I can't express as DS3 won't take a bottle.

Also, I was the one who wanted a third child although DH did agree to it, but he throws it back at me all the time eg 'It's your baby, you deal with him', 'You wanted him, you look after him' etc and it really makes me angry. He doesn't do babies well, he prefers them when they get older but I have told him time and again how horrible it is that he says this. I think it might be his way of dealing with the frustration but he knows it is unacceptable. DS3 needs a lot of attention and is making it hard to play with the others as he keeps your hands full all the time.

He doesn't try and get away with things because he can't do them, it's actually me that won't let him do anything he is crap at because then I need to do it all properly afterwards and it takes twice as long. And yes I do know that's my fault but I can't stand to see a job done badly! He does try but he has an amazing ability to cock up DIY - he even managed to paint a wall badly, leaving it with blotches and drips, God only knows how he managed that . He has been really helpful in the bathroom though as he left the toy ducks on the side of the bath to highlight to me the bits I had missed in the sealant......although I don't think he'll do that again!

The weekends I do get a lie in on at least one day which I make full use of. It is hard to nap during the day though as DS3 naps in the middle of the morning, when I can't actually get to sleep anyway as the coffee has kicked in, and the other time is during school pickup so I can't exactly nod off then either.

He also moans that I don't want sex often enough and that I should want it more, and he can't understand why I don't. Er, really? I have told him if he keeps going on about it he might as well add it to the 'chores' list and I might get to it when I have finished the kitchen sometime in 2013....Grrrr

So you're actually parenting 4 children, aren't you? On no sleep. No wonder you're frazzled. Your DH can manage 3 children, of course he can. He doesn't do DIY, he doesn't do babies, he doesn't do 3 kids, he doesn't do sensitivity and no pressure - what does he do? Time for you to get tough, I think.

Hmm. You're getting at each other - you both need to hold back the verbal - button lips and just don't moan. Both of you are working hard, he needs to value the hours you are putting in.

He should NEVER ever say that's YOUR baby ever again. What does that feel like for baby and sibs to hear? It's a big nono, and hugely damaging. The whole family will pick that up, including baby, feeling rejection from Dad and frustration from you. No wonder he's not sleeping. It's just got to be all for one and one for all, surely?

If he won't listen, write it down and hand it to him on a piece of paper. Put in the hours that you work (probably about 22 per day), the hours that he works (probably about 9) and what your limits and expectations are. In return, tell him that you won't moan if he does something 'wrong'. He will know when he has anyway - he's doing it 'wrong' for a reason, which is his to work out and for you to learn from. You can learn from it whether or not the relationship will last.

Sorry if I'm being bossy here - but the way you have written you are not only sleep deprived, but undermined and unsupported.