A serious question about how you deal with your partner's snoring

[foxinsocks]

After yet another very disturbed night due to dh's loud snoring, I was wondering how other people cope! I love my dh dearly but I cannot help waking up ratty when I'm literally being woken up around 10-20 times a night.

I know, in the past, dh's snoring has got better when he has lost a bit of weight and it is also better when he drinks less. However, I'm not his keeper and although I've suggested he drinks less/eats less chocolate, he has gone for regular exercise (I am pleased about this!) and he's now quite fit but has not lost any weight in the process!

I daren't wear ear plugs as dd gets quite nasty night coughs (asthmatic) and I need to be able to hear her at night if she gets into difficulty and dh doesn't always wake up to her coughing.

What do you all do?

My dh had this problem and he went to see his GP about it. He had had prooblems with his nose as a child and had had minor surgery on it and they reckoned this was cuasing the snoring - the scar tissue I mean. Anyway, he had another monir op to sort it out and he is now better although he still snores. It used to be so loud it would wake me up and I am a heavy sleeper! but now it is just bad enough to slightly annoy me if I am not yet asleep.

He always says cheerfully the next day, "Just kick me if I am snoring" but I don't quite like to do this. I have developed a sort of sighing shuffle that seems to stop him snoring without making him fully wake up!

You could threaten him with the op my dh had! Dh has been a snorer since he was a child - it definitely got worse when he got lardy and smoked, but in reality the snoring was caused by an exceptionally long and floppy soft palate. He also had obstructive sleep apnoea (holdoing breath for ages in his sleep), was waking himself up at night and generally suffering hugely. ENT folk gave him an op and removed his uvula and back part of soft palate, also tonsils. Poor guy was in agony for a couple of weeks but now snores only a little when he's drunk. Still sometimes holds his breath, but that's much better too. My MIL says she always feared no one would marry him due to his snoring, it was that bad. Sympathy tho, foxinsocks - it's a nightmare.

Sorry, got carried away. The point was to say that a visit to the GP could resolve the problem, not necessarily with surgery, but I know there are a variety of solutions they can recommend.

Yes definitely get him to lose weight. Also drink less alcohol. I know you are not his mother, however have a good chat explaining you are being woken all night and could he take the responsibility for stopping it. His health is his business but when it affects you this badly it IS your business too. Dp did not need to lose much weight (probably about a stone) and it made it 90% better. Other than that I have him trained to sleep on his side mostly, when he lies on his back I give him a BIG poke

I have heard of sewing tennis balls onto the back of their pjs if the lying on the back thing is a problem. You can also get a gadget for them to put up their nose I believe? Good luck.

Oh I do sympathise. My last partner snored terribly. I was generally Ok if I got off to sleep first, but if I didn't it was hell. One of us would very often sleep in the spare room just so I could get a decent night's sleep but I could still hear him through the wall. I don't think he ever believed how bad it was until I taped him one night and if we went away with friends they would get up the next morning and say "how on earth do you cope with THAT every night". I'm sure his was drinking and weight related.

hmmm I am tempted to send him to the GP (have always threatened him with this) but he hates doctors with a passion. He has a broken nose (from football) that, apparently, didn't need an op to fix. Unfortunately, his dad is a dreadful snorer aswell (when we stay with the inlaws, it's like hearing snores in stereo!) and had an op to try and sort it out and it did nothing at all. This has made dh think that any sort of medical intervention would be pointless and just loads of pain!

mmm yes, I think the first key is getting him to lose some weight.

It's not so much what he eats at home (I cook quite healthily), it's the fact that he is a chocoholic and also, eats out a hell of a lot for work (and that generally means drinking aswell).

Franny, how did you convince dh to lose so much weight? Did you put him on a diet or was he very much involved in the whole process?

I don't recall dh's op causing him much pain although he had to use an inhaler thingy for a while and used to complain about that. Men eh?!

But, as there hasn't been a 100% improvement in the snoring, I have to admit, I don't know that I would recommend having an operation. I can understand where your dh is coming from. So, it's going to be a diet and some tennis balls, then?

The op your fil had was probably the one where they scar the back of the palate with lasers so that it becomes stiffer and less likely to vibrate and make noise. It has only about a 40% success rate, I think, if the man remains overweight. My inlaws now have separate bedroom after a lifetime of fil's snoring which is really sad, so tyou should get your dp to do something, lose some weight, buy some nose stips at least. What about ear plugs for you? I have a friend that uses them and says they are good.

I think the key is alcohol (more than weight, unless your dh is very hefty). We are having a "dry" January, which is fine apart from the nightly 25 minutes of gloom till we get over ourselves, and the effect on snoring is amazing.

I also do the You Are On Your Back, Get On Your Side small hours fishwife thing.

thanks everyone for your comments.

I daren't do the ear plugs because of dd's asthma.

I'm going to have to persuade him to lose weight aren't I - he's like Victor bloody Meldrew when I try and curb his eating/drinking so it's going to be loads of fun!

I agree with the alcohol thing - and red wine is definitely a big culprit. When I stopped drinking for a month, I also lost a vast amount of weight so I'm sure the two are related (as long as you don't binge out on something else to replace the vino!).

The hard part for me is persuading him to do it. I might have to tape him snoring because I'm sure he thinks I'm making a ridiculously huge deal out of this all.

Dh's snoring got so bad even when I chucked him out into the spare room ? which was on the floor above our room ? I could still hear him, even with earplugs in. I couldn't bear it any longer and sent him to his GP. He was offered surgery to clear away his 'throat furniture', which he had. Sounds like the same one Wilbur's dh had, I think.

Recovery was similar to recovery from tonsilectomy. Effect was wonderful but snoring has gradually been getting worse again, so three years after the op it is pretty much back as it was. Still, we wouldn't have conceived ds without it (we wouldn't have been in the same room long enough), so that three years was a welcome break!

Not sure where we go now tbh ? dh's parents slept in separate rooms for decades due to dh's dad having the same problem.

As you say, excess weight and alcohol make snoring much worse. So your dh really has to work on that one. Surgery may cure him - think has about a 70 per cent 'success' rate although I don't know if that's based on a permanent cure or measured one year/six months/whatever post-operatively.

oh poor you edam - so you are back to square one? It is obviously something that runs in some families although I have to say, dh's dad is quite overweight and also likes his booze so I guess that is a big contributing factor.

Dh is overweight but even when he isn't he's got a big neck (17 1/2 inch collar) which apparently is another factor (and makes it impossible for me to wring his neck when he wakes me up!). Will have to do some research and see if there is anything else that could help... Surgery was definitely worth it but really do need a long-term solution.

I shout "stop snoring!" and even though he doesn't wake up, it works! Obviously not a very long-term solution though.

foxinsocks, I also have snory deep-sleeper husband and asthmatic daughter. My solution is to tell DH that I am putting in plugs and then turn up baby monitor to a level that will wake him. Quite often it's enough to wake me too so we probably go 50:50 on dealing with DD when she is needing help at night. (I don't see why night wakings should be solely my responsibility, and luckily he feels the same.)
If your DH was also having disturbed nights, he might see how undesirable it is, and this might galvanise him to tackle the weight thing.

I give very swift kicks in the back (which lately have been getting harder and harder ) and he rolls over onto his side but even on his side, he still snores.

I think the key is weight loss (and keeping it off once the weight has gone) but I know I will find it hard convincing dh to stick to a certain way of eating/less booze. Men care so much less about their weight - even if losing weight carries so many health benefits.

yes bp, that sounds like a good short term solution. Dh will get up if he hears one of them crying/coughing, but I have seen that he genuinely doesn't wake up (he is a very deep sleeper - in fact, when we were living in Hammersmith, not so far from the bridge and Hammersmith bridge was bombed, he didn't even move in his sleep even when all the sirens went off!).

Which ear plugs do you use? Are some better than others?

I use 'travel' ones for preference, you know, moulded ones that look like the Gherkin. I think they all work in the same way though
For peace of mind usually I only put one in the 'upper' ear (I sleep on one side) so it's not like being sealed away entirely

DH has also started to snore recently. It's definitely not a weight-thing (he's painfully thin and always has been). It is worse when he drinks and also if he takes a sleeping pill. Both of these make him dehydrated, so I'm wondering if it's something to do with that, but I think it may just be an age thing.

I'm considering trying this . What do you think?

Fox, I don't see a stone as "so much" - dp has a fair bit to spare

It just happened naturally really, as part of a whole health kick we were on - we gave up drinking, he started cycling and running, the weight came off, he (mostly) stopped snoring. His weight does creep up and down and I can tell when to padlock the pie cupboard because he starts snoring again.

No, I agree, trying to control someone else's eating is counter-productive, but having a real heart to heart, followed by a joint plan of action with him undertaking to lose the weight and you supporting him however you can, should work. They have to do it themselves but you can give him the kick up the a*se to do it. Tell him how utterly irresistable you will find him when he is a bit slimmer!

that sleep pro 1 is not too pricy (£25) so it might be worth a go. Do you think dh would happily sleep in it though?

I have forced dh to have a glass of water with every glass of wine/beer to stop dehydration because dehydration certainly makes it worse. Sometimes the snoring is less but sometimes it seems to have no effect at all.

i say 'snoring' and he turns over. much worse when he's had a drink. exhausting stuff.

Issymum, I think both drink and medication relax the person so the uvula sags against the rest of the throat. I am no expert but I think that's what causes the noise and also wakes the snorer up. The weight thing is for the same reason - it causes extra fatty tissue in the throat and has the same effect.