Bulimia

[BeeHiveBubba]

I've namechanged as I'm deeply ashamed.

I've been Bulimic since my late teens. It became bad in my mid 20's and I was treated with prozac and a course of CBT. It seemed to work for a while and I was able to hold it at bay for a few years. Having 3 babies was incentive enough to stop. It wasn't easy but I wanted the best for them.

I'm now almost 40. It's back with a vengence and out of control. I was also recently diagnosed with an underactive thyroid which is slowly being controlled by pills. I'm guessing that I've damaged my thyroid through abusing prescription Reductil in order to try and control my urges. I'm guessing this though, since I'm too embarrassed to tell my GP. My weight is spiralling because my thyroid isn't working, and the Bulimia is now a big part of me again.

A few nights ago, when I was in the middle of...how shall I say... an episode, I felt a really painful and uncomfortable cramping/spasm in my gut. It eased when I straightened up, but I'm frightened. I'm doing damage to myself and I cannot, cannot stop. Having split skin on my hands hasn't stopped me. Bulging eyes, bloodshot eyes, spotty skin, greasy hair, nosebleeds. They don't stop me.

Help.

The Reductil I bought, online. Doctor doesn't know.
I've also stolen it from a friend who was getting rid of hers as it didn't agree with her. This is the depths I've sunk to.

There's nothing embarassing baout tellign your GP all of this. You won;t shock them and they won't judge you. But by doing all of this you are adding to the problem, you are trying to 'fix' your body but you are just fucking it up more. CBT can be helpful and you should be entitled to a few refresher sessions, I know I find it helpful to read through my notes every now and then to keep me mindful. But really, you know this can't go on so just ask for help. It's as simple, and terrifying, as that. Do you have dc or a family? The thought of them finding you dead after a heart attack or ruptured stomach isn't a nice one is it? But the risks of bulimia are very real and very serious.

I've just cried reading your reply fuckityfuckfuckfuck.
In my 40 years, I've shared this with no-one. The shame is awful.

I get that it's awful but at some point you need to say enough. It's already reached the stage where you have no control over it, so stop buying these pills (which, really, could be weed killer for all you know) and go to your GP. If it helps, think of the disease as seperate from yourself. It's not that you're faulty, it's that there's this thing that's controlling you and you want it gone. Did you bring this up in your CBT sessions? There are medications that can be used to treat bulimia, I have no idea if or how they work though.

I agree, your GP won't judge you. This is exactly what she/he is there for, please go and get help. And don't be so hard on yourself - you are ill, bullimia is an illness - you have nothing to be ashamed of.

From a thyroid point of view, try to trust that your weight will stabilise once your thyroxine dose is right.

Your GP will not judge you. No-one on MN will judge you. You are clearly very deeply unhappy and you need help, more help that you can give yourself. You deserve love and understanding and to be in a safe place and to receive help to rid yourself of the demons that are causing you to punish yourself in this way (punishment you do not deserve). Please, please see your GP.