A place for me to chat about my friend M

[grinningbee]

Just in case you've followed me from the other thread - the story so far:

Very close friend M is 62. She's like an extra gran to my dc, is someone I can talk to about anything, and is the wife of my H's best friend. So they're practically like family. You get the picture.

On Sunday she collapsed in a pub (not too long after we'd left) was taken to hospital, but discharged as they thought it was a combo of drinking and low blood sugar.

Later the same night she collapsed at home, taken back in. Over the course of Monday and Tuesday it was discovered that she had a brain tumour, but the way it looked suggested it had come from somewhere else. I saw her yesterday so got the full details.

They did more scans and found it in her lungs, and it is also in her lymph glands. Bowel cancer was mentioned but seems to have been discounted.

She was sent home yesterday afternoon armed with steroids and other goodies (not sure what) but as her heating is broken H brough her over to us instead. They stopped at the pub on the way over and had a couple of drinks. She then spent a bit of time here watching the dc play while I got some tea and biscuits down her.

Took her back home and all went to our old local (she insisted). She was not herself at all. She went home, had dinner, went to bed. Woke at 2am needing a wee (bathroom downstairs) and according to her dh she couldn't remember who he was, where she was, and the next thing she was at the bottom of the stairs.

Dr was sent out, said she needed to go back in. Ambulance called but not as an emergency so she was still waiting at 6.30 this morning.

We are now waiting to see what's next.

It's all so awful, and I told her yesterday I'll do anything I can. Said the same to her dh too. Worst part is, when I was putting the dc in the car to take her home, she was stood next to the car smoking. I realise habits are hard to break, and the news she's had this week is the absolute worst, but it made me do a double take.

She is already very far from the woman I knew, and I'm scared for her. Still trying to be positive. And my dd is so attached to her, and picks things up very easily. I've told her M has a poorly head, and will keep it at that as long as I can.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, and thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Oh bee

Poor woman and her family. She is lucky to have friends like you.

Depending on where her brain tumour is will affect her symptoms. Some tumours in the front of the brain can cause personality change etx, others further back will cause memory loss etc. It will be causing pressure in her brain so steroids will be aiming to release this. Once they kick in, she should improve.

I do hope the palliative care or Macmillan nurses have been involved to support her and her DH.

However, she shouldn't be drinking alcohol this will def not help!

As for the smoking thing, what's done is done. It's prob a bit late for her to change her ways now.

How very sad

It must be very shocking when someone who previously (I assume) seemed well gets such a terrible diagnosis in a short time.

Re the drinking and smoking - it really is her choice how she wants to live out the rest of her life - I imagine stopping drinking and smoking now isn't going to have a huge impact on her prognosis.

Agree that is is very sad.

Really sorry to hear about your friend.

This must really frightening for her husband and for all of you. I don't have a load of experience in this but when my Nan was first diagnosed with a brain tumour she had similar problems regarding memory loss etc, which was then exacerbated by a urinary infection (its unbelievable the difference an infection can make to someone's personality, she really was a different person). But then she was quite a lot older than your friend and was already a little wobbly on her feet etc.

It's still very early days in the diagnosis and you'll probably just have to sit it out and see what the experts have to say. I wouldnt worry at all about things like her smoking - she has just had a huge shock and people have to deal with things in their own way.

The best thing you can do is probably what you're doing already - being good friends. Fingers crossed you'll have a clearer picture and some treatment options soon.

Thanks everyone.

Cheese She lost the feeling in her hand on one side, plus down her body so I assume that the tumour is pressing on something. Her husband is gutted that she continues to smoke, and has said he'll remove any packs he finds. Sadly that is just going to cause tension. I know it's a coping mechanism

I agree on the drinking though - she shouldn't be doing it with all the tablets, especially when she is prone to falling at the mo, but I can't do anything. At least in hospital she can't do it.

Her dh has gone to work again today. He really is a mess and completely in denial. H went to where he works yesterday and found him sobbing. His boss said to my H that he can have time off if he wants.... but he won't get paid . Absolute arses. They are so skint it's untrue, and he can't afford to not be paid.

Sorry if this is a rambly thread, but I literally have no where else to talk about it.

She is due a biopsy today or tomorrow, and I think the "big meeting" is due next week regarding treatment. But honestly, it's not looking too good, is it?

Very sorry to hear the sad news about your friend. I agree about getting the MacMillan nurses involved. Not to sound too hardnosed but as money is an issue, MacMillan can also help advise about any disability related benefits etc your friend may be entitled too. If your friend's husand is in a union they may also be able to help advise re:time off in these sort of circumstances, sometimes a manager says something stricter than the company policy iyswim.

I am so sorry to hear this and send lots of sympathy your way. I don't think you should waste energy focusing on her smoking and drinking. If she needs to do both of these things right now then let her because what she currently has to face is beyond our comprehension. Also, you may find that she gives up both drinking and smoking relatively quickly once her diagnosis/prognosis is confirmed. This happened to my mum when she was diagnosed with cancer, it wasn't that she physically couldn't smoke or drink, she just didn't want to any more.

You sound like a wonderful friend and she will need your support in the days to come. Lots of love to you.

Oh I really feel for you. You could suggest to your friends husband that he see his GP - he may be able to take some time off sick if he's not coping well?

Hey bee, so sorry to hear about your good friend, so sudden and scary I'm sure .

She is very lucky to have you and your family supporting her. Don't know what else to say, apart from agree with others that you'll probably have to turn a blind eye to the smoking/drinking as we don't know what we'd do in that situation.

Hope the hospital are making her as comfortable as possible

Thinking about you Bee xx

Just thinking of you, hope you're ok x

Thanks again guys.

She came out of hospital on Thursday and over to ours, then out to the pub. Unfortunately she became ill again in the night. Woke at 2am needing a wee, but couldn't remember where she was, who her dh was, and ended up falling down the stairs.

She was unable to remember anyone until late on the following afternoon (and also had the norovirus). Biopsy was cancelled, and she was let back out again yesterday. Went straight back down to the pub, not even home first.

There is major upset between her dh and herself. He is angry that she won't stop smoking, and she has threatened to move out . It's all a big mess.

To top it off, someone we know was chatting to her and being very insensitive. Going on about someone who had cancer and died in her sleep etc etc etc. H took her to one side and gave her what for . I asked M if she wanted earplugs. That made her laugh at least .

Hopefully the biopsy will be done this week, but she has been told she faces radiotherapy and possibly chemotherapy as well (insensitive woman said "oooh, think of all the lovely wigs you can get"). They are not going to operate on the brain tumour as far as we know, just try to shrink it.

Both me and H felt very glum over the weekend, I think it caught up with us. Dd kept asking M to chase her yesterday, and all M could say was that she'd love to but her head wouldn't let her

Hopefully we'll know a bit more by the end of the week.

sorry she was poorly again over the weekend, it's a heartbreaking situation for all of you. maybe if her DH raised the alcohol/cigarettes point with the medics or nurses it might help, as if they say it's OK in moderation, or for her to enjoy herself that might help defuse the tension.

Hi all.

Been a very bad day today. I took M to the hospital for her diagnosis after she had the biopsy earlier in the week. The clinic was so grim, and being there with 2 small dc added to the fun. Luckily her dh met her there, although he did go straight back to work afterwards while I took her home.

She has advanced lung cancer, small cell, so slow growing. It has spread to her brain which we knew, but it is also confirmed in the lymph glands.

She is facing chemotherapy and radiotherapy, possibly an operation to the brain tumour, but it all depends on her reaction to the treatment. They have said she could have as little as months, or maybe a couple of years. It is terminal as it is in too many places .

I had to listen in the car as she made calls to her children to tell them.

Bloody bloody awful.

I just cuddled her and said we'd do what we can. I really hope her dh will take her to the treatment appointments, but if not, then I suppose it will be me or my H.

She didn't want me to stay with her when I took her home (I offered to) so she is all alone till her dh finishes work. It's just not right.

Treatment will start next week once they've worked out dosages and stuff.

I suppose I should find out what's likely to happen as a result so I can talk to dd.

I did stop at the shop on the way home so she could buy a secret supply of fags. Who can blame her today for needing them, eh?

I think you're being a fantastic friend. You need somewhere to offload all of this as you process it and it will in all probability be very difficult for you too. Sometimes it can help to discuss with people who don't know you as you will travel through a range of emotions, some of which you might not wish to share with people who know you. that's fine - that's what we're here for

Oh matey. That's tragic, I'm so sorry to hear it. Feel free to post away here. You are an excellent friend to her. I hope her DH is starting to face reality. Has she got a specialist nurse she can talk to?