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Original poster

Sexual Assault

45 replies

stupidme · 04/01/2006 11:15

I went out with a friend in early December who I had known a long while. Ended up getting very drunk together which I now think was his intention. There was no real chemistry but he was a friend and I trusted him. Ended up back at his and I'm not entirely sure how as I was insistent I was going home. My next memory is waking up with him on top of me and me screaming for him to stop. I do not know what happened. I got up and rushed out at 330 in the morning. Found a taxi and got home. He called the next morning but I've avoided him since. I didn't go to the police. I felt too ashamed and stupid. The truth is I don't know what happened. I know he forced himself on me because I was sore for days. At the time I didn't even think about the possibility of being pregnant. This was early December and I've not had my period since. I am now so scared. Mine aren't regular but I wouldn't normally go this long. I need to test but I'm scared. I know there's nothing anyone can say. I needed to tell someone. I am a regular poster but have changed my name for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
dieselten · 05/01/2006 11:48

I also have a spare ClearBlue test that I will not be using and I'd be glad to post it to you for nowt.

kreamkrackers · 05/01/2006 16:15

that's awful. i don't know what to say. savers do a £1 pg test and it worked properly for me.

Original poster
stupidme · 07/01/2006 13:46

Thankfully my period started last night. I've never been so relieved. I am going to call the rape crisis people today. I have to or I think I'll end up doing something stupid. I can't do that even though right now I've got nothing to look forward to. I feel he's robbed me of my decency and I didn't have a great opinion of men before this owing to an ex who took a lot of my self esteem. Now this. It's all too much.

OP posts:
Kristingle · 07/01/2006 13:53

Please contact rape crisis. They are great. And remember you still need to get tested for STI. Sorry i knwo its the last thing you need. If you go to a family planning clinic they will have female staff.

And just to echo what everyone esle has said.....

Its not your fault. You are not stupid.What he did was very wrong.

Original poster
stupidme · 07/01/2006 13:58

I will get tested for all the nasties he may have given me. I'll go to the FP clinic next week or maybe finally pluck up the courage to see and talk to my gp about this. I do feel really stupid. I should have known better. I was out last night with some colleagues after work and worried the whole night that I'd see him. I shouldn't have to worry.

OP posts:
Pfer · 07/01/2006 14:00

OMG
just remember this wasn't your fault and you are not stupid. He was a friend who you trusted and he destroyed that trust by assulting you.
Please think carefully, can you go to the police and see it through? Can you prove anything?

IME if you can't don't. It can be far worse that getting help to put it behind you and try to move on.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/01/2006 14:03

This is NOT your fault in any shape or form.

Is there anybody you can speak to in RL, a close friend or a family membe???

Please do go to the police, you never know he may have done this before, or if he gets away with it, he may try again.

You poor thing, you are not at fault here, the evil twisted b@st@rd who did this is.

Original poster
stupidme · 07/01/2006 14:15

How can I prove anything? It was over a month ago. His word against mine. The worst tht would happen to him is they might ask hima few questions. All he'd h ave to say is I was drunk and they'll ask nothing else. If I could remember anything other than what comes in flashbacks I might. But how bad do I look in the first place by getting drunk and going to his. I know we all say he was in the wrong but it is about perception.

OP posts:
Pfer · 07/01/2006 14:23

NO IT'S NOT!!! You were NOT in the wrong! Please don't ever think you were. He asbused your trust. The only mistake you made was trusting him!
It's been a month. How are you feeling in yourself?

fuzzywuzzy · 07/01/2006 14:25

I have no (personal) experience of this. But a very close friend was raped years ago, and heartbreakingly I can still see the scars now.

The police will still have you examined by doctor, and they will take a statment. You never know he could have done this before, and even if they can't pin anything on him this time round, your statement may well contribute to him being taken down when he tries it again.

Your not at fault at all, you have a right to go out and relax with a friend, You weren't to know that he's a rapist (which he is).

Please contact rape crisis, at the very least, they will be able to give you some better advice.

You'd be surprised at how common this is, I know at least two women who have been raped, and it's not like I have massive friend circle.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/01/2006 14:28

And I'd like to shoot the person who says a woman cannot drink/dress the way she wants, or she's asking for it. It's perfectly legal to wear what you want, and to go out and get pissed.
You are NOT in the wrong, no matter how you look at it, he IS......

busybusybee · 07/01/2006 14:30

to read this thread - esp as you thought htis person was a friend

I think you must try to pluck up the courage to report it - partly just so that he will have far less chance of doing this to someone else

THis was not your fault
{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster
stupidme · 07/01/2006 16:41

Pfer, I am still mostly numb from it. I have tried blocking it out, pretending that one night didn't happen and sometimes that gets me through a few hours. Then I am putting laundry away and see the skirt I was wearing (which was not short) and it comes back. Or I walk past the bar we had a few drinks in and it comes back. I have my dd to think about in all this and I'm not sure me going to the police is going to be a healing process for me. Yes, I do know what you're all saying but I can't physically do it. Emotionally I wouldn't last. I have had so much happen in the last 12 months that this, the public humiliation of this, I couldn't stand. I want him to pay, to suffer, to hurt like me but I have not got what it takes to do that. I'm sorry if I'm letting anyone down. I can't even bring myself to tell my RL friends - how on earth can I tell the police about this?

OP posts:
Pfer · 07/01/2006 17:28

Stupidme, like I said earlier think very carefully before taking it any further, if you don't feel you'd stand up to a police case then don't do it. Remember though you can make a complaint ages after, you may want to at a later date.
You may need some help to get over this, MNER's as wise as they all are probably just won't be enough for this. See how you get on, maybe go to your GP to see about counselling.....

Take it steady, take care of yourself and we're all here if you need us.

Cha · 07/01/2006 17:32

Poor you, and you are NOT stupid or to blame. He did it, not you. It makes me so angry that this happens and we are still not safe from 'date rapers' (by that I mean 95% of all rapists - ones you know, ones you met in a bar, ones you drank/took drugs with, exes, current partners/husbands - the lot). I had a similar experience 20 years ago. I pretended for ages that it wasn't rape, but kept getting the flashbacks like you. After a few months, I eventually told someone who said that I had been raped and that I should go to Rape Crisis. I did. It was hard and horrible but it helped me sort it out in my head and eventually put it in a place where it belongs and where I can cope with it. In fact, it is no longer an issue in my life, I have dealt with it and it is only when I hear of experiences like yours that I feel it again. You really need to talk to someone about this SM. You are amazingly strong to be talking about it here and MN is a good start. But you need someone in RL to help you. I spent ages, like I said, pretending that it was nothing but it would not go away. It came back in dreams, I became fearful of everyday situations, I felt dirty and horrible and STUPID and to blame. All of what you are going through. It does not stop affecting you until you talk about it with someone who will support you. And for me, once I told one person, it became easier and easier to talk to others. Rape Crisis are amazing. Please call them. {{{{{{{}}}}}}

ggglimpopo · 07/01/2006 17:49

Message withdrawn

QueenVictoria · 08/01/2006 22:50

Stupidme - did you get my CAT?

I do think you need to contact Rape Crisis and talk, get some counselling and advice.

This is a big thing to deal with. All victims of crime need support. It is, unfortunately, natural to blame yourself. We all do in shocking circumstances - when people die we wish we could have done or said something that we hadnt etc.

The truth is that no woman is ever guilty of anything when they have been raped. However, because what has been taken is such a personal and private thing, we feel that we should have done more to protect it. The fact is, this man has taken advantage of you in a vulnerable state, knowing you trusted him. Its a vile thing to do to someone.

I hope you find the strength to talk to someone soon, because talking about it will help you come to terms with this much sooner.
x

Pfer · 10/01/2006 16:34

Stupidme - just wondered how you're doing...

jofeb04 · 10/01/2006 20:31

My best mate went through a similar thing, it wasnt a friend, but he boyfriend.
She didnt go the police for a few weeks, but when she did, they had all the evidence they needed on cctv cameras (it was drugs), and he has been sent down for a period of time.

If not, at least let them know about it, incase anything else crops up on him. If you want to CAT me, then please do.

jco · 10/01/2006 21:06

Please please don't be ashamed hun, you have done nothing wrong. You have been assaulted and that is not your fault in any way. You must go and get checked over like the others have said. Please try and get in touch with the agencies out there that can help you. sending you big hugs x x x x

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